But that's what New Year's resolutions are for? Right? ... (are you laughing along with me? I hope you are ...) Okay ... so here's hoping that 2010 is the year I manage to stick to my guns and visit this place regularly.
To tell you the truth, I almost succumbed to a habit of mine ... that of abandoning what had been started and starting anew somewhere else. And yes, I went so far as to create a new blog and a different blog site ... named it and all ... picked out a fancy theme ... and yes ... wrote a draft first posting. But the words weren't flowing and I felt like a traitor ...
So I came back ... like the cat (well not exactly like the cat ... because the cat came back the very next day ... and well there's no way in any stretch of the imagination that I can make manipulate nine months into becoming a day) ... and there's a certain satisfaction in knowing that this nine month silence does accurately depict me and my state of being. For I've been know to drop out or drop off the face of the earth for a spell or two ...
So here I am ... back again ... for however long I manage to keep this promise to myself.
So how does this happen? It's the same old story ... life gets the better of me ... and I put it off once for a day or two ... which stretches into a week .... then two months ... and then even the thought is buried so deep under the to-do lists of life that it takes some kind of earthquake or cleansing to remember ... or something like that.
I seem to come back to the written word whenever stress hits me in the face. This time it's Mel ... recently diagnosed as bi-polar (that makes two ... and one not diagnosed, yet BP for sure) and back in the psych ward for the second time.
It's funny how us humans adjust to just about anything ... for on one level I'm taking all of this in stride ... been there, done that ... but I know that just below the surface a seething cauldron of stress, anxiety and questions bubble and toil.
I can't help thinking about Maija's comment spoken when she overheard that Mel was in the hospital. She looked at her dad and said, "Mom's in the hospital?" ... and waited for his reply. She walked over to Ang and said, "Do you work today Dad?" (he works at the airport in logistics) ... when he said "yes" ... she looked at him really seriously and said, "well, then be careful, don't get hit by a plane."
Guess you had to be there.
So what else is new? Finally heard from Will after a six month silence (like mother, like son), Stefani was the lead in a feature this summer and a few indie shorts headed for festivals ... the last nine months have been crazy busy for our little movie star ... Nic made it through first semester at Guelph U ... and transfered into Arts & Sciences (she was in Arts) for semester Two ... Jonathan seems to have more good days than bad ... but still lives in his own world ... Dave's retiring this September ... and I'm ...
the glue that holds it all together?
I guess that's what makes me come back when things are tougher ... for a reality check ... or a means to prove to myself that things aren't all that bad ... that there is light at the end of the tunnel ...
We'll see ....
I'm glad to be back ...
6 comments to How does that happen?:
pausing to wake, bathe, drink, stretch, and whatever before continuing my commenting this afternoon... just in case you were following in real-time :)
a lot can happen in nine months, as you know better than most from personal experience...
i wonder if those of us who do a lot of writing for posterity do it because we have egos or hearts or minds or some part or a combination of all that want more attention than they get or because we have a timeless collective consciousness sense of sharing with humanity and instinctively know that until cellular memory is tapped into, recorded history is the best way to pass along knowledge, experience, and life to others...
or both...
anyway, in the past i read this blog and commented only minimally for a few reasons, the primary reason in a cautious attempt to respect the privacy and sanctity of your family, specifically your physical real-world immediate as the blog was presented as an introduction to your family and i did not exactly feel i belonged in your immediate family blog...
and a deep seed, a pea under the mattress if you will, is the logic of suspicion based on the hidden messages and meanings and unsaid unspoken potential time bombs that may be lurking beneath the surface of intent or consciousness that can and should be explored further when and if the time and circumstance is righter than here and now...
perhaps it is the new layout and presentation and perhaps is a diminishing caution as i continue to grow and realize that too much caution can be a big mistake, but i chose to respond with minimal reservation, at least for the moment...
on the subject i've alluded to in other comments i've already written in future entries, the idea of why blog and why multi-blog comes up here as you have another blog set up somewhere that you've yet to use (at least for the moment) and chose to see going there as abandoning this blog (perhaps because you were seeing starting another 'now' blog as abandoning this 'now' blog that paused in the yesterday)...
you got me thinking of why i blog and why i multi-blog and why some seem to fade away from daily entries...
i currently have more than five dozen active blogs, though some are called diaries and others journals... most might be considered semi-active and some minimally active, but in my mind they are all active... at least a dozen are active weekly... and at least two are daily blogs...
i have started using my long dormant facebook account more often (and whether you are aware or not, i contacted you and melanie and jonathan and nicole there... and if you did not know, i wonder how telling you will change any interactions what might come, but it is done and now you know, if you didn't before) and thought that isn't blogging, it is more like twitter, actually (and i have a dormant twitter account too), but some offline friends are very active there and they would like me to play there more as well and i doubt i will get into the games or apps they use, but i am starting to leave comments and occasionally write or post something on my 'wall'...
open online communication in the real world in real time seems a natural extension of the growth of the web and sooner or later we'll have the option of wearing or implanting computer chips that allow thought communication (long before we evolve into a species that can telepathically communicate) and while initially privacy and shyness and paranoia (fear) will keep a lot of people away from the connections, few people do not have a telephone today and eventually, cellular implants may be accepted as the overwhelming norm...
unless we discover that too much micro-radiation does more harm than good and if that is true, we might not find out until it is too late and there goes the species....
have i digressed?...
this will have to be a multi-comment comment, won't it?...
dang google/blogger limits...
and where were we?... multiple blogs… so what theme and concept did you have for the other blog that was different from this blog and are you going to use it and are you considering (or did you consider or are you already keeping) a secret private blog that nobody sees or even knows about?... I am curious to see how your thinking flows along this since I have so many different blog spaces for so many different reasons (and a few overlapping so much I wonder if there are distinguishable different reasons anymore, or if there ever was)…
and you know I want to see that draft first posting :)
on to time… summarizing nine months in a single entry or a day, maybe challenging… perceiving nine months as a day, a lifetime is a moment, is real if you live in the moment… I understand how challenging that seems to be to most people cuz the collective reality is that time is linear and only linear and both science and practical life have so little knowledge of the nature of time, or even if time has a nature as something other than a concept in our minds… but still, now is the moment, the only moment shared at the moment, and only matters when we want to remember (which I do regularly cuz I love memories, but that’s still a choice)…
a long time is all in the mind, a way of perceiving time… it can be sad or happy or both, depending on how we want to see it… I almost always see it as both, because there is so much missed (sad) and so much to catch up on and share (happy)… when sharing daily life moment to moment, there’s hardly anything to catch up on and moments can pass kind of silently and empty and boring (that can seem sad) because there are so many actually shared moments, time can seem like it is passing very slowly… when sharing only occasionally, or after year, time seems to fly by because there are so few actually shared moments and so much to catch up on… it is still just perception because the linear passage of time does not change (at least not enough for us to measure at the moment)…
share the moment, share what comes to mind, share as you can…
I think we will ignore what we want to ignore no matter how much we think we want to do something, no matter how much we know we should do something, no matter how much physical evidence might be in our face proving something should be done… at the moment, some smelly stuff is growing under stacks of dirty dishes in the left sink (there are two)… I’ve been too busy and tired and lazy and whatever to deal with them, even though I work around them to cook and eat and I subconsciously avoid smelling the odor in the air… it’s there, I know I should clean up, I know I want to clean up because I will not invite anyone over and want more social life, but I sit here on one of the few saturdays where I stayed home and relax and glance up at football playoffs and writing writing writing (though I did pause to shower and cook and eat and washed what I need to wash in the right sink, but just ignored that left sink)… this simply reality carries over on to every level, emotions, desires, bad habits, and everything…
I think the more we ignore, the more we feel overwhelmed, out of control, helpless, hopeless, and stressed… ignore enough, and we feel like failures, like there is no way to fix whatever is wrong… and it expands to those around us because what we ignore well enough everybody around us starts to ignore as well… reality becomes what most people acknowledge and accept, not what people ignore and deny… that happens on every level, from politics to religion to physical science (the flat world society concept) to interpersonal relations, intimacy, family, and within our own internal thought processes…
we are conditioned to look for cause, for blame, for problems… we are not conditioned to look for open discourse, truth, or solutions… we give into our conditioning because it is easier than bucking the system, than resisting peer pressure, than doing what we are not conditioned to do… we know right from wrong, even if that is only instinctively, we know… and we know we what we are conditioned to do is wrong, unproductive, undermining, and often harmful… but we do it because that’s what everybody does and because that’s just the way it is…
sometimes it is as simply as not doing things we want to do because we choose to do things we want to do more, like sitting here writing rather than dishes (or laundry or other cleaning, or shopping for a new place to live today or going out with friends tonight, for that matter)… it’s always about choices, even if we make them subconsciously…
and bipolar… adhd is the most abused diagnosis for younger children and bi-polar has become the most abused diagnosis for adolescents and adults… we are all bi-polar, we all experience highs and lows… humans are always looking for the easy explanation, the simple label, and the quick fix and medicine and psychiatry provide that these days… I go back to what I wrote in another comment, or series of comments, in the entry after the one after this entry… I wish I could help… I wish you were not in the position you are in… I wish someone could help with real help… and I hope I am wrong about pills, but I think pills just mask the real issues, in most cases, pills treat symptoms, not causes, which is why psychiatry sees mental illness as a lifetime problem requiring lifetime maintenance, or at least is a long term medication and therapy… that’s good for business too…
it is a philosophical choice and I believe in cognitive behavioral therapy, not in drugs… still, years of harmful habits and what we can call thinking errors that create harmful mental habits are seldom simple or easy to change overnight… the moment of epiphany, the revelation that is “the cure” might seem to come in a moment, but it takes repetition of correcting thinking errors and creating positive healthy habits to unlearn the negative conditioning and simply be healthy as a habit…
when we can get back in touch with the simplicity of the mind we had as a child before we learned to accept irrational fear as something to take seriously, we can see the good sense in a child’s advice… sigh…
will is the only one I did not find on facebook… too cool?... maybe too real living in the real world, too busy, or too buried I life to want to look back and facebook drags you back when you least expect it… it’s good though, helps tidy up the mess in the head (if you want to… if not, it’s an easy place to avoid… I know I have been dropping comments and posts through your blogs here every now and then and did again recently, but I found you on facebook just this past week and I wonder if that somehow inspired you back to the internet… I’m surprised I didn’t find you and the kids before there, but then, I wasn’t really using it until a month or few ago and I wasn’t really visiting until the past few weeks, if that long…
so where can your little star be seen in the feature (as in motion picture in theatres and on video?) and why doesn’t she have a fan page on facebook and myspace?... I see she has a personal page, as does dave, but a fan page is less personal and the viral media way to get celebrity status and start a career and publicity and more status in the business and so on… come on, get with the new millennia, every actress needs a fan page…
besides the facebook friend requests, I sent a message to mel and j, but did not know what to say to nic, so she just got the request without a separate message… I am not sure if my mentioning this will help or hinder any communication that might come, or even if they will know who I am… I am not sure if you asking them will help or hinder communication, but I tossed the dice and can only hope there are more smiles than frowns and some positive communication…
retirement can be traumatic for some people… hope it goes well for you guys… my foolishness in the early nineties left me with the probability that I will work more years than I intended, but at least I enjoy what I do, often love it… just takes so much of my time, so many other interests (and chances for a love life) suffer from lack of time and attention… yup, things could be worse, you could be alone and lonely and have no family and wonder how long your dead body will rot naked in your apartment before someone calls the police to check on you… that’s the reality of life I live, independent and secure and genuinely needing nobody and the one everybody looks to for help and nobody checks on regularly, no less daily… but I love me and what I do and have lots of social activities and ego food and exercise partners and most of the stuff on my wantlist (for reference, you can find it by googling ‘candor wantlist’ or ‘candoor wantlist’ if you haven’t already… I have not updated it in at least six or seven years)… I am sometimes amazed at how many of my pages pop up when I google my name or candoor… I should probably update them, especially my resume… time time time…
I am glad you are here, whatever your intentions for this blog might be… i hope through the net you find other friends who relate and might offer some real helpful thoughts or even real help if they can … and maybe we’ll communicate again, though as you alluded to somewhere in comments or posts, I am still not sure this is the forum… but I accept what is available and make the most of it cuz that’s what life’s all about :)
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