Already Sunday

Another busy day ... and already the weekend is almost a thing of the past. Where does the time go (rhetorical, of course)?

Nicole's back into the flow of this household ... actually goes back to work on Tuesday (Starbucks) ... now that's a long-winded tale that involves Melanie and the fact that three baristas quit on the same day at her store and it's pre-Christmas season and they can't afford to hire three new baristas to get trained in time to deal with the season's needs and chaos ... so Nic was actually hired back by another store while she was still in France so that she could be loaned out to Melanie's store until January. Today, she's off to visit Ali (her boyfriend) at McMaster (Hamilton) where he's taking first year pre-med. (I just learnt that their friend, Kaz is going to Berkeley and will be visiting over Christmas ... always knew that boy was smart ... but Berkeley tells me that I may have actually underestimated his smarts) ...

Kyla has her company Christmas party tonight (murder mystery supper theatre) ... I'm sure we'll have a wardrobe crisis sometime around 4 PM ... lol.

Put the outside Christmas lights up yesterday on the front porch ... that's a new set-up as we let Kyla decide this year. So instead of the usual white lights along the eave's trough ... we're doing greenery and coloured lights across the front porch. Gotta get the extension cord ... and then we'll be able to comment ... ooh and aah appropriately.

I've got pork ribs defrosting for supper ... and my goal is to finish Maija's dress for the wedding today... it's a miniature version of Stef's. With that out of the way ... I'll be ready to start the adjustments on the 4 other bride's maid dresses and/or start Mel's. Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking ... into the future ...

And at some point today ... gotta get my mental time-table ready for the upcoming week. I've been doing that for years now ... Sunday overview ... to-do lists and juggling this and that to try and get the week shaped up into some semblance of uber-productivity. I still have to get Stefani's passport application taken care of ... and I've got to deal with issues at work ... there's a couple of contracts posted on CharityVillage that I should apply for (extra money is always a good thing) ... and at some point I need to start Christmas shopping (lists aren't going to get the presents into the house or created) ... and then I've got to decide what I'm making for supper Friday night when the "girls" (Suzanne and Carol) come over. Sounds like craziness now ... my idea to have the girls over for an evening of chatting, good food and good wine ... but I do know it'll be good to have a break from all these "must do's" ...

Well ... gotta get started with this day ... besides the above ... I do have laundry, grocery shopping and a quick stop over at Debbie's to pick up a few things she put aside for Mel and Maija ...

No rest for the wicked as they say ...

Stefani tidbits

So we're all stuffed up battling some Canadian pre-winter germ ... and poor Stefani is suffering from a case of alternating dry / wet eye. You know that state where one moment your eyes are running as though you were crying ... and the next they're dry as a bone and achy. Anyways yesterday afternoon found Stef on the couch watching one of her favorite shows ... when she decided to announce to one and all ..." Yup ... my eyes are definitely running out of saliva." Priceless!

At her acting workshop yesterday they handed out the monologues and scripts that the kids have to prepare for the talent showcase. Stefani's monologue is a spunky one ... but the kicker is the script (dialogue) she'll be doing with Christian (the cute curly blonde haired 9 year old boy). She's Vada from "My Girl" ... "the Kiss" scene ... where Vada convinces the young boy to try out kissing ...

You can imagine the theatrics we were privvy to when she shared that information with us ... "it's the worst day of my life" ... "oh my ... I've got to ... hmmm ... kiss ... Christian!" ... Lots of emphasis on Christian mind you ...

Today we're preparing her outfits for her headshot shoot on Wednesday morning ...

Simply Saturday

... but suffering from a slight case of Princess and the Pea syndrome ... you know that feeling, that slight unease of matters left untended or intuition lights flashing indistinctly in the background ...

... so as I sip on my morning coffee within the midst of my home office chaos (chaos may actually be an understatement this time around ... hurricane aftermath seems somehow more appropriate) ... I realize that some of the discomfort is stemming from the whirlwind schedule I find myself on ... and the sheer number of deadlines, timelines, projects, tasks, promises, schedules I'm juggling at the moment. The only saving grace is that by mid-January the pressure will be lifted ... but until then ...

... holidays, wedding, Stefani's Hollywood extravaganza all seem manageable (sssh ... don't burst my bubble) ... if only just barely ...

... the biggest knot in my stomach right now is work ... another unsavory situation with my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde boss. Confrontations by email or by telephone are slippery, dangerous things ... I'd much prefer face-to-face ... but that doesn't appear to be something that is about to happen soon. So I bite my tongue and bide my time ... which doesn't sit well ... and I worry and fret and repress and suppress and make notes and vent with no satisfaction ...

... did I forget to tell you that patience is not my strong suit? Actually ... I manage superficial patience rather well ... you know, that first week or two of patience, playing the game - that I've mastered quite well ... it's being patient beyond that point that I have problems with ...

... and then there are these voices inside my head that say - there's no point in being patient beyond that initial period ... and that's what the disquiet and the rumblings and "peas" are all about. Heck, yesterday I even goaded myself with the following question - "what would a man do in this situation?" ... I know - I'm laughing about it too!!

Everything will change ... love remains the same

... listening to Gavin Rossdale ... and that line resonated with me: life explained in seven words.

And I sit here looking at these words ... thoughts swirling in my grey matter, words forming and dissolving ... and wondering if anything more really needs to be said ... or will it simply detract from the profound simplicity and truth of those words.

Everything will change ... it's inevitable
Love ... true love, unconditional love, honest love ... remains the same ... always and forever ... period.

Parental Report Card

I've always thought of parenthood as the ultimate crap shoot. Concentrate, focus, blow on the dice, pray and/or wish really hard and then let the dice fly ... hold your breath until they fall.

What works with one child does not necessarily work another ... children like adults are individuals (duh! ... but don't laugh too quickly because there's a multi-billion industry built on the fallacy that one-size-fits-all relative to parenting and childhood issues, child raising) ... Add more than one child to the parent-child mix and you bring into play family dynamics and sibling rivalries and another set of dynamics ...

Forget about crap shoots ... it's more like starting a recipe with thousands of variables and only a general idea of the necessary ingredients. So we're baking bread ... we're going to need flour and yeast ... all the other ingredients are best guesses at best ...

Add to all this the fact that you don't get to see the final product until much after the ingredients have been mixed together and percolated ... tampered by other adults, peers, experiences, innocuous and not so innocuous circumstances ...

But I'm mixing analogies (or are these similes?) ...

As a parent I've had four report cards so far ... Mel, Will, J and now Nic ... and I'm proud to say I think I've passed. Not the stellar grades I'd hoped for ... but a fairly decent average!

So why the ramblings about parental report cards? Because Nic came back with a whole new outlook on life ... and one based, in part, from having lived within another family system which allowed (or forced) her to examine her own. The words which warmed the cockles of my heart went something like this: "mom you just don't realize what a good mom you were and are - you exposed us to so much, gave us choices and let us make mistakes ..."

I mean ... can a parent ask for anything else? I know that I've found myself caught up many times throughout the years keeping up with the Joneses for the kids ... with trivial stuff ... lost within the day-to-day ... often questioning if I was doing enough, teaching enough, leading enough ... especially when faced with the judgement of other parents ...

But today I sit proud knowing that I've raised a handful of fine adults who question ... know how to enjoy the moment ... absolutely know how to make lemonade from lemons ... understand the power and responsibility of choice and responsibility ... are empowered ...

who'd have thunk it? I must have prayed really hard when I rolled those dice!

Nicole est de retour!

Okay so the house is a mess ... the furnace is broken and is blowing cold air (gotta laugh at the irony of that ... poor Nic stuck in the Alps for the last 3 months was given the room with no heating and froze her a** off ... and now she's coming home to an ice-box room. It's not that I'm cruel ... it's more a question of knowing that if I don't laugh at the situation I just could lose it!) ...

What with Santa's workshop in full swing ... and my playing wedding dress-maker ... I really don't think there's any way to make the house look respectable at this point! (Space heaters all over the house don't help much either). I'll do my best ...

So we're all taking off from here around 12:30 ... I'm sure I'll update this with the highlights of her return (and don't forget to ask me about the rumblings and grumblings about work ... I've got to get that off my chest soon).

There we are on our way through Terminal 3 to welcome Nic ...

... and there's Stef with the sign she made for Nic ...

... and when you're 8 years old ... this says it all!!

I cried ...

It's now a little past 9 pm ... Nicole has crashed (in more ways than one ... two Smirnoffs + Jet Lag = cold shower crashes) and is sleeping. The rest of us are pretty exhausted ourselves. All this family loving and waiting and excitement can sure tire someone out!!

Final Countdown ...

Nic comes home tomorrow ... and you'd swear by the excitement around here that she'd been gone for a year! Stefani is literally beside herself, bouncing off walls and so excited that she finds nothing else to say but "eek" with a grin so wide that her facial muscles are soon going to start aching.

Spoke to Nic this afternoon ... she was trying to wait patiently at the airport hotel ... but apparently she hasn't slept in two nights and she was the first to mention the facial muscles ... "mom, I've been smiling so much the last two days that my face hurts!".

So naturally Nic has been told that everyone outside of Kyla, myself and Stef are either at work or at school and therefore unable to meet and greet her at the airport ... but ... we're all going to be there!! It'll be great to see her face ... first the excitement and surprise ... and then the twinge of "oh no ... are they going to embarass me here?" ...

Okay I've got to stop this ...

I do this all the time! Start something for myself ... get comfortable and happy in the routine I've carved out for myself ... and then allow life and hectic chaos to eat into my time. I become the protector of everyone else's time ... letting mine fritter away ...
I guess a part of me enjoys the momentary martyr satisfaction ... but that soon fades and is quickly replaced by frustration and a major case of the grumps. And when you leave the grumps alone for too long ... they get replaced by their best friends procrastination and lethargy ...
You'd think I'd have learnt by now. But ... I will pat myself on the back for having nipped this slow slide into frustration far sooner in the bud than is my usual.
There really isn't any good reason why I can't carve 15 - 25 minutes out of every day for writing and thinking and reading and commenting and pontificating and dreaming and rambling and babbling now is there?
So ... that's it ... no more excuses.

Notes on the run ...

Seems to me that recently I've been rambling about Stefani more than any one else ... but then again, Stefani is living the dream ... and the rest of us are getting to live that dream vicariously through her ... beside her.

As only a child can ... Stef takes it all in stride ... as something that was always a given. There's no doubt in her mind that she will be a discovered celebrity one day. As I was brushing her hair this morning before rushing out to a call-back ... she innocently announced - "the only difference between me and Miley Cyrus ... is that she's a discovered celebrity ... and I'm still undiscovered. But not for long ..."

You'd have to meet her ... spend a few minutes with her to be swept away by her charms. Because regardless of this driven passion ... she is the most unpretentious, the least arrogant, the most sharing, most innocent person.

I watched her today ... taking deep breaths as she was in line to go into the camera room to have her monologue put on film. There were four girls who'd been called back ... she was last in line. Her face was pinched ... a tad pale ... she smiled nervously as her hands fiddled with her head-shot and resume as she struggled to get her breathing and nerves under control. When the door opened, signalling her turn ... she took one step, then another ... and then the steps turned into a confident, bouncy gait and it's like a light bulb went on. Smile. As the door closed I overheard her say confidently - "Hello. How are you?" ...

Personally, I struggled with the decision of donning the "stage mom" hat and investing the time and effort it takes to help her memorize scripts, lines, monologues, commercials ... the hours spent at auditions and getting photos and clothes ... call-backs ... hopes and crashes ... all that entails trying to be part of "entertainment industry". But one look at her face after an audition and I know I've made the right decision for Stefani ... because believe it or not ... for Stefani the "audition" ... playing to the camera ... acting and singing ... is all that matters. Most of the time, she doesn't even care whether she "got the part". She's focussed on whether she did better than last time ...

As a competitive person ... that's something that's foreign to me. Doing something for the sake of doing something. Don't get me wrong - she does everything to the very best of her abilities ... but she doesn't focus on the "end result" ... putting it out there is her focus. And then she lets it go ... and allows whatever happens to happen. She didn't learn that from me! Ha! Or Dave either ... we're both as competitive as it gets ... and so are the rest of the kids.

I'm in awe ...

She's going to Hollywood!

Wow! I'm still in shock. I mean, granted, I've always thought that Stefani was cute and talented ... but did I ever think that others would think the same thing? Yes and no.

Anyways ... long story short ... phone rings ... agent calling ... 4 days in Hollywood for go-sees and call-backs ... paid travel and accommodation at the Century Plaza ... January 2 thru' 6th.

Stef's reaction? ... "I'm going to Hollywood ... I always thought it would be New York first."

What I wouldn't give to be that passionate ... that sure of something. She has never doubted and probably never will. So watch out Hollywood ... here she comes!

It's raining, it's pouring ...

okay so the old man isn't snoring ... and it's not really pouring ... but it is raining. Cold and wet ... bone-chilling cold ... you know the kind most readily found here in the North. Grey skies, wet leaves ... icy puddles ... definitely not the kind of weather to inspire anything remotely close to "singing in the rain" or splashing through puddles, not even in rubber boots!

the glory of fall ... its wondrous multi-colored leaves and crisp air has been replaced by a muted almost ugly landscape that wafts of decaying water sodden browned leaves scattered everywhere. Makes you almost wish for snow ...

i finished "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer last night ... unbelievable story that has me saddened that it's over. It'll be tough to pick out the next book to read ... as it'll be hard not to compare.

been up a few hours ... getting Stef ready for another audition this afternoon ... which means another day of waiting ... so I'd better go pick out a book from the pile in the office. It's sure to be a Starbucks kinda' day ... watching people through the window, reading an article or two from the paper and munching on the words of whatever title I happen to choose from the top of that pile.

stef just reminded me ... eleven days until Nic comes home ...

Eh?

As alluded to in the couple of words I posted in "through these eyes" ... I'm still somewhat in shock about the latest news to grace the Canadian airwaves and front pages: the possible ... impending sale of the CN Tower.

My initial reaction was naturally shock and dismay complete with tsk tsk tongue clucking ... I mean, come on ... would the Americans ever think of selling their landmarks? Their representative symbols ...

And that's when my thoughts started changing somewhat. It's not as if the CN Tower represents Canadian history outside of the mere fact that it was built in Canada and is located in a major Canadian city. It's not our Statue of Liberty or anything ... it's the Seattle Space Needle ... is all it is. And that is surely not owned by the American government ...

So unless the CN Tower is going to become covered in gaudy advertising ... why should I be so shocked? And shouldn't I be thrilled to know that I live in a country that prides itself on not being in debt? That it makes the tough decisions necessary to ensure that it remains so?

Canada has routinely posted annual budget surpluses since the 1990s, the only G7 industrialized nation to do so, ... but fears that the country could dip into the red as the world grapples with the financial meltdown is the reason behind the possible sale ...

Fiscally responsible ... I kinda like that. Puts a different spin on this sale business, eh?

Lollipop Lint

So much going on in my head. Umpteen voices and thoughts ... and shards and slivers and shimmers of others ... vying for attention, wanting to be heard ... arms outstretched (if thoughts have arms) clamoring as they beg "pick me, pick me" ...

I'm sure if I woke up one day and there weren't as many voices and thoughts and opinions and lists and advice "up there" ... I'd be worried. I'm sure there are those who might think that I should be worried now ... hearing voices is not typically seen as a sign of mental health.

I think it is ... those voices and thoughts ... prove to me each and every morning that I am still alive the way I want to be ... questioning and seeking and thinking ... not accepting "face value" at "face value" ...

but ...

Being a fence-sitter, straddler whatever you might call it by nature ... I sometimes freeze at the thought of selecting one of those thoughts for further review, thought, ponderage. (I mean, I wouldn't want to make the other thoughts feel left out ... or less worthy, now would I?) And sometimes, when I drum up the necessary motivation to pick one from the herd ... it's entwined and emmeshed in so many other thoughts and possibilities that I find myself leaning back in my chair, throwing my head back and laughing ... at the sheer impracticality of it all ... never enough time.

I may not have ADHD in "real-time" physical life space ... but I'm a true ADHD basket case in the corridors of my mind ... my thoughts flit this way and that ... opening doors, peeking in, bookmarking and post-it-noting all kinds of quotes and lines and thoughts and books and articles ... for later review of course. Later rarely comes ... because by the time "later" comes, I've already moved on to "right now" and right now there's all kinds of new doors, threads and vistas to examine ... however superficially.

Examine may be a misnomer ... more like a taste ... nah, not even a taste ... more a lick to see if the flavour is instantly unpleasant or is welcome for another lick ...

Like an absent-minded child, I then throw that lollipop into the "to be licked again later" pile ... and move forward to the next shiny object in front of me ...

Is it any wonder that when I do return to the pile ... I find the lollipops all covered in bits and pieces of other lollipops and fuzzy from lint?

Just one of those days

Forgot to reset the alarm clock after Dave left for work this morning (6 am) ... so didn't wake up to get Stefani ready for school on time. Woke up at 9 am ... horrified ... scurrying around trying to get everything ready at once ... took one look at Stef's face ... and declared it a "mental health day" ...
Whoops and cheers ...
... I always liked those ... so did the other kids ... those unexpected breaks from routine that spice things up.

So instead of the daily grind ... we're baking chocolate chip cookies ... drinking hot cocoa ... and she's now watching Another Cinderella Story. Later we're going to walk the mall and window shop ... just another one of those days!

Cocooned

Everytime I "allow" myself the pleasure of crawling back under the covers and lazily sleeping in ... I promise myself that I will do it again soon. Soon never comes around that often ... but it did this morning.

Maybe it was the harsh wind blowing leaves and snowflakes across the front lawn ... maybe the final remnants of the flu that flattened earlier this week ... but as soon as Stefani was safely off to school ... I ran as fast as my bare feet could take me across the wooden floors and jumped back into the still warm cocoon of my bed. I fluffed up my pillow just right ... tucked the bed sheets and blankets and duvet around me like a cocoon and let myself fall back into a deliciously sinful two hour "nap".

No phone calls, no laundry, no "to do's" and "will do's" ...

Just a nice break from Monday morning and it's chilly reminder that winter is threatening.

Birthdays, fevers and life goes on

It's been another week in a life ... filled with the usual which is always unusual however ordinary it may be.

I got flattened by the flu ... set up at work in such a brilliant fashion that I can do nothing but tilt my hat and say "bravo"... J turned 21 and actually enjoyed the "pomp and circumstance" surrounding the family festivities ...

... and Nic returns in 17 days!!

Drowning in Paper Roses ...

Life seems to filled with countdowns these day ... between the regular countdowns that make up the sum of all of the parts of our days and weeks ... and Nic's home-coming, Christmas, Mel & Ang's wedding ...

Two bridal party dresses sewn ... one left to alter ... Mel's hasn't even been started. Then there's the roses ... as can be seen here ... hundreds of white paper roses to 'deck the halls'. I've become quite an expert and can multi-task ... while keeping pace at 12 roses per hour ...

Tedious work ... but love makes everything so much simpler and easier.

Chester See

Stefani had the opportunity a few weekends ago to participate in a Disney Acting Camp ... something pretty special for a young lady from Toronto ... MILES away from the inner sanctum of Disney ... LA and Orlando. One of the camp leaders was Chester (seen above), host of Disney 365 ... needless to say, Chester was overshadowed by some of the other "celebrities" better known to these kids as their favorite characters from Suite Life of Zach and Cody and Suite Life on Deck. And I mean, who can compare to the charisma and presence of Esteban (Adrian R Mante) who literally stole the show ... or the casting directors?

Chester did make an impression on Stefani ... as he did for me as well. His energy was amazing ... positive and fun-loving and dynamic. I'll never forget walking into the studio to pick Stefani up from camp and seeing Chester mopping the floor with a young lady during an improv skit ... and then realizing that the young lady in question was Stef! All that aside ... Stef asked me to google Chester this morning ... and we were pleasantly surprised to find him on MySpace ... and more so, to discover that music is his first love ...

Check him out ... you might be surprised! ...

What about the babies ...

What else do you do on a blustery Saturday afternoon when you've got an hour to wait ... and don't really like window or regular shopping? Why, get yourself something hot and tall from Starbucks ... grab a chair by the window ... do some people-watching, read a bit from the book you carry with you everywhere ... or pick up the newspaper and see what's going on in the world.

I must admit that I read the newspaper far less than I should ... heck, I read the newspaper less than I thought I would. I remember my mother and father would sit down everyday ... either just before supper or after ... and read every printed word. To this day, I can see the way they each held the paper ... that crinkling paper sound that's unique to the sound of a newspaper page being turned ... how they'd trade sections ... as well as how the paper looked when it had been read piled neatly between them on the floor.

I'd naturally assumed that when I grew up, I would do exactly the same. Somehow the appetite for news never appeared ... and at best, I give articles a cursory, speed-reading glance ... and worse, there is usually not much that really interests me ...

Yesterday, however, I was captivated by an editorial of sorts on artificial insemination ... and maybe because having recently read Micheal Crichton's NeXt ... my mind has been playing with the thoughts and opinions and ideas sparked within that quarter page in Saturday's Globe and Mail ...

What about the babies? ... was the gist of the provocation by the author whom I have disrespected by not remembering.

We live within a time when there are enough babies born of artificial insemination who have matured into adulthood ... and who have enough of a voice ... to force us to answer or at least try to answer the questions, ethics and philosophical points they are voicing ...

What about the babies? ... doctors, donors, mothers ... all consenting adults who understood what they were getting into or doing ... doctors making $ providing mothers with their deepest desire that of being a mother ... donors making a few $ for providing their sperm to enable the doctors to help the mothers to be ... and mothers forking out $$ to grant themselves their deepest desire ... but what about the babies?

These babies were born ... without consent ... without choice ... and with only half a story.

How did we fool ourselves ... what were we told ... what smoke and mirrors were fabricated for us to forget that the babies mattered ... their needs, their questions, their health, their needs, their deepest desires were going to have to be addressed at some point. Did we truly believe that a system of response predicated on "law" and "nondisclosure" ... was going to stop the questions? Did we somehow convince ourselves that somehow these children should simply shut up and simply be happy that they were born?

Human "logic" confounds me. Human want and need and greed still manages to astound me. Human manipulation of nature scares me ...

This is not the first scientific advance that has raced forward without regard of the ethical, philosophical, societal impacts ... without looking at the bigger picture ... and I dare say, it probably won't be the last.

I bitterly laugh at the thought that our morals and justifications with respect to this issue seem to be limited to the protection of the donor ... the doctor and the mother. Once again, what about the babies?

So the donor ... needing money I assume ... sold his sperm in exchange for anonymity. How did we ever see this as ethical? Oh right ... who cared about ethics and morality when there was money to be made? I forgot ...

Back to the editorial in question ... I could feel the bile rising as the justifications and closed doors these "babies" were facing were described: the donor was told no child would ever search him out; countries such as Britain where anonymity is no longer guaranteed have experienced huge donor losses ...

What ever happened to understanding that to every decision, to every action ... there is a consequence ... exchange of dollars notwithstanding?

and ultimately ... what about the babies?