It looks like a duck, walks like a duck ...

... so it must be a duck right?

So okay ... I'm going to let myself believe that spring has sprung based on the last three days of incredible weather. Once again, another day has dawned bright and sunny and warm. I am always amazed at how spring-time sun always seems like a new discovery after a harsh, cold, dim Canadian winter. Like the buds on the trees ... or the crocuses and other early spring shoots that I know are just under the surface of the gardens around me, just waiting to poke their heads out ... I can feel spring awakening within. And it's a glorious feeling ...

So it's March Break! Stefani's home and looking forward to playing with Jessica all week. So far the week looks promising with nothing major scheduled. For the sake of riding bicycles, skipping, hopscotch and drawing ginormous chalk designs on the road ... I hope her schedule remains open!

I've been up since 6:30 ... got a report done by 9 AM. Which leaves me some time this afternoon to give voice to some of my springtime urges ... as in cleaning. I LOVE spring cleaning ... it's like a ritual of renewal.

and so it goes ...

Been up since 7 AM ... Stefani's got her headshot photo shoot today ... I've got a Strategic Issues Report due by the end of the day (yup ... you read that right ... a Sunday deadline). The week's been busy with auditions, auditions, auditions ... and then I had to find time to do all the regular stuff ... like earn a paycheque, laundry, clean, cook, be a mother to other children, be a grandmother, be a wife ...

So heed my words of caution ... if your child wants to be a star ... a singer ... an actor ... an international soccer sensation ... understand going in that the whole family's focus shifts. And sometimes it can be disorienting as hell !

No more time ... I'm off to blow dry her hair, pack the outfits, stop at an ATM on my way downtown ...

... and so it goes ...

Life goes on ...

up and down and around ... then up and down and around again.

Just following the schedule ... trying to get everything fit perfectly into each day. Stefani had a call-back for the commercial she auditioned for last week. Not quite as much fun for her this time as it was mainly a "type" go-see. Girls were seen in groups of three or more and asked to shake a bottle and then act surprised. "Thank you ... don't call us ... we'll call you!

It's a strange industry ... how anyone stays sane with all the rejection and focus on the right "look" is beyond me. So far, Stefani is doing great as she focuses on the acting (or singing) ... and when she isn't asked to act (like yesterday) she's a little bummed. And so far, the minute she leaves the audition ... it's done and gone. She's onto tomorrow.

We're getting new head shots done this weekend ... which cost a pretty penny ... but every agent requires them. Casting directors and producers make their initial choices based on headshots and the agent's recommendation ... BUT ... once into the audition process ... their black and white polaroid-like picture taken onsite is what is used to pick and choose, select and de-select.

Had a great conversation with one of the "father" actors when Stefani was in being seen ... he had noted that Stefani was not "type" yesterday ... and then explained how that was both a good thing and a bad thing. Apparently the industry, books a commercial on a narrow "type" that is being sought. But a good director will call-back two or three non-types to ensure that his /her decision was well-founded or to possibly go against type. Those non-types are usually actors who have piqued the director's curiosity or a type they personally like.

Stefani being non-type was quite apparent, once pointed out to me ... since of the 20 girls that got called back from the original 220: 18 were "pale, girl next door types, long straight hair, shy looking" ... and then there was Stefani ... and a friend of hers Eliana (who is probably one of the most gorgeous 10 year old girls I have ever met ... thick, wavy, long dark brown hair ... fine features with a touch of Spanish-like flair) ...

So much to learn ... from an industry that seems to thrive on mixed messages and secrecy and back-room shenanigans ..

Free time ...

Saturday ... usually I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off ... fitting in daily life stuff and chores, left-overs from work and Stef's workshops and/or auditions.

But Stef isn't feeling well today ... stuffed nose, slight fever and is lounging in bed resting ... and me? Well I've got a day filled with hours, minutes and seconds that I didn't think would be there when I awoke this morning ...

Whee ... hope I use them wisely!

Temperatures rising ...

16 C ... is the forecast for today ... I can smell the warmth in the air! Ahhh ... sweet blessings!
------------------

Don't know where the day went ... so okay I do: work, shopping, more work, paying bills ...

I did get a chance to get outside and enjoy the warmth, the sunshine and the absence of snow in the front yard ... but the day seemed to melt under the weight of all my "to do's".

Nic and Dave had an argument over her boyfriend (long story, same story) which didn't end well or should I say, didn't end. Nic took off for the weekend (as planned) albeit in tears ... and Dave stayed angry.

He's such a dinosaur sometimes ... and gets stuck in the "golden years" where parents said "...because I said so." ... and kids listened. Maybe that still happens ... but not in this house, I raised these children to question, to ask, to argue if need be ... to expect logic and explanation. And that sometimes drives Dave crazy.

... and the birds twitter and sing ...

... golden sunlight streams through the windows, the temperature is lazily making its way to more northern numbers (yeah!) and my mood seems to be less snow-banked as well ...

Scooters was fun last night ... there were only a handful of people so at times it felt we had the entire roller-rink to ourselves. Even Maija had a blast with her pink FisherPrice roller skates ... squealing "I can do this!" to anyone who would listen. Now that's kind of a first as her favorite sentence in the whole wide world is "I can't do it" (with the emphasis on the "can't").

--------------------------

Busy day ... lots of work and then off to a commercial audition for Stef. Good thing I left early because the office we were looking for was hidden in some decrepit industrial / auto wrecking section of Richmond Street West. Speaking of Richmond Street ... it has a split personality .. it is a one way street that decides after a while ... to become a one-way the other way! Anyways, I found a place to park (nothing short of miraculous at 4:30 in Toronto) ... and Stef and I walked the 5 or 6 zigzaggy blocks and eventually made it there.

The audition was for a product yet unknown ... and the auditions were booked by 10 minute intervals in groups of father-actor, mother-actor and child-actor. Stefani and I looked around the room and picked out who logically should have been preselected as her "parents" ... and sure enough, we were right!! Whatever happens ... she had a blast. She commented to me on the way home ... "you know Mom, it even felt like he was my Dad when we were doing the scene!" ...

... and while on "family" topics ... guess who decided out of the blue to try and reconnect with the kids after 12 years?? Aunt Linda ... I fear she's not getting the warm and fuzzy reception that she may have hoped to receive.

Unconcious Mutterings ...

1. Pain :: Advil


2. Lego :: blocks


3. Trooper :: State


4. Flicker :: flame


5. Character :: role


6. Determined :: set


7. Wing :: broken


8. Control :: freak

9. Automatic :: weapon

10. Yeah :: happy dance

Just some Unconcious Mutterings

So you want to be a rock star ...

Tried this out for some fun this morning while I procrastinated and didn't get the work I needed to get done ...

1. BAND NAME: Go to "wikipedia." Hit "random article" ...the first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

My band: Litchfield Township

2. ALBUM TITLE: Go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 ... the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

My album title: If Everything Depended on Man

3. COVER ART: Go to flickr and click on "explore the last sevendays"or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover

My album cover:

So ... what about you?

Straight out of our house ...

From the pages of the book I'm reading at the moment - "Still Alice" - Lisa Genova - something that definitely could have been written by me ...

"She followed his frantic glance to the fireplace mantle where the antique Waltham clock, valued for its precision, declared 8:00. He should have known better than to trust it. The clocks in their home rarely knew the real time of day. Alice had been duped too often in the past by their seemingly honest faces and had learned long ago to rely on her watch. Sure enough, she lapsed back in time as she entered the kitchen, where the microwave insisted that it was only 6:52."

Not so furbulous ...

Melanie called last night just before American Idol (yes ... we determine time according to this TV Classic on Tuesdays and Wednesdays ... how do you think Stefani's thoughts of stardom crystallized?) ... to rant and lament about work life at the "bear factory".

It appears that the squeaky clean, berry merry, furbulous place is just a tad too sweet and boring for her tastes. Eight days into excruciatingly slow and nursery rhyme filled sales conversations with her "peers" and she's ready to pull the hair out of her head! And to think that she took out her nose piercing out permanently for those folks.

We've all been there ... realizing we've made a mistake ... appreciating that the grass is definitely not greener ... and wondering what drugs we were on when we thought it was.

My heart went out to her ... she's such a people person and a good manager ... and to find herself already stagnating, not fitting in and so unhappy is sad. Not much I could do or say ... except advise her to put her misgivings aside for a while longer ... things could change, right? And to keep her eyes out for something else ... there's no shame in realizing that despite all the profiling and personality indexes this place used in their hiring process ... she is not a fit!

Doesn't matter how old your kids are ... you still want to fight their battles.

So it's another frigid day here in the Great White North ... to think I had the audacity to use the S word last week (spring). Dave's at work ... Stefani has an ice-skating afternoon at school ... but still wants to go to Scooter's (roller rink) after school as planned with me and Nic. We've invited Maija so it may be another interesting adventure.

------------------------------

So it's much later ... I've fooled around a bit this afternoon ... still finding time to squeeze in two teleconferences for work. It was report card day ... and we were all very proud of Stef who managed 4 A's. A's are hard to come by since Ontario revamped its curriculum!

And if that wasn't enough ... a quick check of my email alerted us to an audition for a commercial tomorrow at 5 PM. Now isn't having an agent grand?

Treated Stef, Nic and J to McDonald's ... and we're preparing to head out to Scooter's for some inline blading fun.

See ... Chester See

I absolutely love this Disney kid ...

Sometimes ...

I wish that my mind was crystal clear and that my writing muse was sparkling and witty and ready to flabber the gast of anyone reading ... that clever titles and puns just poured from my fingertips through the keyboard keys into this little white posting box ...

but alas and alack ... those moments are few and far between ...

and instead I fall back on summarized tidbits of my daily bread life.

I write so that I can remember me ... and not find myself at a loss when the nest finds itself empty. For a mother mothers ... and mothering takes time and energy and effort and focus and sometimes all of me. And a good mother lets go when it's time to let go ... and then what does she do?

Guess it's a combination of the remnants of a conversation online and Dave's musings last night about what he was going to do with himself post-retirement (2010, I believe ... but he's pushed that back a couple of times already ... so I can't be 100% sure) ... that has me pondering what I will do when I grow up? ... when all the children have grown?

Okay ... so I may be starting this a little early to some ... but bear in mind that I have 2 already flown ... 1 nursing his wings but independent nevertheless ... another testing her wings ... another who has flown back to another nest ... and then Stef who's only 8.5 years old going on 35.

I will not be the kind of mother that clips wings or keeps her little ones in the nest for too long. And that ... is a test of will in itself.

But what does a mother do when there's no more or less mothering to fill her time, her life ... mother others? adopt? relax?

Someday I'll figure it out ... and I promise I'll let you know.

Sometimes Mondays are great!

It's Cold with a capital "C" ... minus 18C without wind chill factored in. There's not a cloud in the sky ... and the blue is as blue as a sky ever gets. For those of us who live in the Great White North, we don't have to look at the thermometer or even cross the threshold of the front door after looking out the window onto a clear, crisply blue sky ... we know it means Cold with a capital "C" ... hopefully some clouds will come rolling in later today ... as the news this morning made note of a snow system that is currently covering the north eastern US in white. Apparently they've cancelled all flights to New York ... Baltimore ... Boston leaving Pearson this morning.

Personally I'd prefer the snow to the cold ...

So I'm sitting here ... coffee by my side ... planning the rest of my day. Gotta pick up Stef at 11:30 from school ... she's got an agency audition this afternoon. I was a good girl and got most of my Monday workload taken care of over the weekend. Nic's at work ... J's doing his J thing ... and Dave's focussing on car sales today after having come home from 24 at the firehall.

Though I rant about routine ... there's something rather comforting and peaceful about routine, the familiar, a schedule that unfolds as planned

----------------------------

It's later ... almost time to tuck ourselves into bed. Stefani's audition was amazing ... she now has a big-time Canadian agent.

So ... okay I'm not really objective ... but I did watch 4 cynical business people get wrapped around Stef's little finger. Her cold read even amazed me ... and had these agents applauding and telling her that she was indeed an "actor" ... and that her talent could not be "learnt" it was natural ... they were high-fiving and gushing when 15 minutes prior they were practically yawning and bleary-eyed.

No pressure ... they explained the details of the contract ... had faith that we would sign and return it to their offices ... could hardly wait for us to add their agency information to Stef's castingworkbook folder. As a "stage mother" ... I could hear the cash registers cha-ching-ing in their minds. And lucky for Stef ... that's what you look for in an agent ... someone who knows or thinks they can make $$ having you on their roster!

Another baby-step on the way to stardom! She's got the development deal ... a management contract ... now the agent (and a few "huge-time" US agents waiting til she becomes eligible for an O-Visa).

Next week - professional head shots. Found a few really good head shot photographers through the Actra website ... have booked consultations this week and will go with whomever convinces me that they can capture Stef's essence on film.

Naturally ... we had to celebrate ... so Dave and I took Stef to the Pickle Barrel. Now for those of you who don't know ... the Pickle Barrel, until today, has been a girl's only place (don't think Dave even knew where it was located) ... so it was steak for Dave and Stef ... I had stir fry.

And of course, there were the screaming calls to Mel and Nic to share the good news ... all in all ... a very good day and a great start to the week!

More of the same ...

Been up for hours already ... it's frigid outside (-14 C without wind chill factored in). Drove Nic to work at 7:00 a.m. ... got Dave ready for work right after ... drove Ali (Nic's boyfriend was down from McMaster for the weekend ... did I forget to mention that?) to the Go Station about 15 minutes ago. Have a few hours before I have to go pick Nic up at work ...

I'll have to remind Nic again to go get the paperwork to get her license reinstated (she had her license suspended when she was suffering from fainting spells last year ... but a thorough examination of every inch of her body and brain discovered nothing majorly wrong except for a slight heart murmur to keep an eye on) ... I'd much prefer to give her the car than to play taxi driver.

So outside of a late workshop at 5 p.m. for Stefani and homework supervision ... there's really nothing on my plate today outside of routine stuff: laundry, some cleaning ... maybe some work catch-up.

I like the feeling of having "free" time ... even though it's not really free and passes far too quickly.

Memories of Saturday ...

Yesterday passed in a flash ... up early ... out on the road (sounds more "romantic" than "the Gardiner") by 11:30 a.m ... two workshops for Stefani. During that time, I browsed the art shop next door, wandered the streets to take some photos, read a bit, people watched, chatted with some of the other moms (something I usually avoid ... now I remember why) ...

Then back in the car ... all the way to the other end of Mississauga to Scooter's Roller Palace ... Stefani had a birthday party to attend. I did some grocery shopping while she rolled ... but I managed to get back early to watch her. Supper was home fajitas ... chicken, steak and hamburg.

Laundry ... a movie (old favorite - Jim Carey "Liar, liar") ... and then zzzz's ...

If No One Will Listen ...

Covers never do justice to the original in my mind ... (sorry Kelly ... as in Clarkson).

Spring time showers?

It's one of those mornings ... grey, rainy and damp. Very springlike (that's twice ... oops three times counting the title ... in two days that I've dared to invoke the gods of Spring ... I can be cheeky that way).

In hindsight I realize that I should have sent Stefani to school with her raincoat on and not her red riding hood coat (that's what she calls it ... a red melton cloth winter jacket a la red riding hood). Even though duck boots are the rage this year ... can't get her to even consider them!

It's that kid thing ... you know ... that which requires a kid to rebel against anything Mom or Dad suggest ... especially when it comes to outward appearance.

I can remember Mel's purple hair days (daze? lol) ... it took all I had to bite my tongue as she changed the colour of her hair on an almost weekly basis. I think we saw the entire spectrum ... Bozo orange, yellow, pink, red, blue, violet, purple, black, green ... oh yes, and when the purple faded, for about a week her hair was a ghastly shade of lavenderish grey. In fact, her graduation photo proudly attests that fact.

As for Will and J ... by the time they were 12 or so ... if I purchased the article of clothing, it was not going to be worn. It didn't matter if it was the right brand name, the right colour ... I think it had something to do with how long I had held the clothes without laundry being involved.

Nic, on the other hand ... and Kyla, as well ... seem to have no issue with my "fashion assistance". Bless their souls ...

With Stef it's hit or miss ... she has an initial distaste for anything that was selected without her input ... but once the clothes are on, and she thinks she looks good ... it's all water under the bridge.

Okay ... so maybe it's not just a kid thing ... I have a mountain of clothes that were purchased for me that I rarely wear. Something about them is just not quite "me". Come on ... a purple velour leisure suit? I think I'll save that for the nursing home!

Only two people have ever managed to buy for me and come out victorious ... Melanie and Bugs.
It has something to do with truly knowing who the person is ... and thinks they are ... and matching those with a "style" ... garments that are flattering and speak to those ideals. I guess that's why the automatic reaction to a faux pas purchase is more often than not ... "that's just not me"....

Okay ... to loop this all up ... I guess it's not a kid's thing at all. It's about the parent imposing on a child their sense of who that child is. Seems I've done okay with the females of the household ... disaster when it comes to the males ...

Who'd think that a ramble about clothes and fashion ... could lead to such depth?

My boys ... *sigh* ... I really tried ... but I know I wasn't able to give them what they really needed ... I still am not sure if I even could ... maybe they needed something beyond me. A father maybe?

Shades of the amazing speech Will shared at Mel's wedding ... about a single mother who worked too many hours to keep a roof over their head, sickness and adversity ... and the fact that he was only beginning to come to terms with it all ...

*sigh*

so maybe it's not

... a problem with sticktuitiveness ... it's an addiction problem (does that mean I should go out there and look for a 12-step program?) ... it's the inability to walk the "moderation" line.

... I love writing and reading ... and thinking ... and responding ... and questioning ... and questing ... and searching ... and laughing ... and asking again ... and writing ... and reading (did I already say that?) ... so much so, that I could probably do nothing else and be perfectly content for an eon or two (I figure at that point my eyes, finger tips and buttocks might need a rest).

... therefore when I allow myself the pleasure of luxuriating in written wonder ... I'm that kid who can't (or won't) stop gorging just in case it all gets taken away. I operate under the premise of just "five more minutes" ... which quickly becomes another 30 ... 60 ... or more.

... what I need is the power of moderation ... internal discipline ... trust that this "candy" will not vanish or be taken away without warning ... and pace myself with a routine of xx amount of minutes a day.

... but I bet you can already see the problem with that "bribe" ... how much time is satisfying enough? 5 minutes ... 30 minutes ... an hour?

.... hmmm ... an hour doesn't seem half bad ... maybe I can self-commit to an hour a day ... no matter what and stop this feast or famine ... up and down ... here and there sporadic cycle of mine.

(I'll let you know if it works ... otherwise I'll undoubtedly have to resort to a 12-step program)

Could it be ...

... could it truly be ... the beginning of the end of winter? It's actually mild enough today ... that I have the patio door open ... just a little ... to let some of the stale air out and some fresh air in. And as I was opening the door ... I was greeted by the happy twittering of birds in the neighbour's yard. Surely that's a sign of better, warmer days to come!

Whether it's due to global warming or earth cycles ... Toronto now has a "real" winter ... snow that has to be shovelled. When I first arrived in this city, I was dismayed by its brown, slushy version of winter. Though not my favorite season ... I do like a snowy winter ... otherwise its just an extended cold fall ... or a prolonged icy spring.

Like most people I know ... I prefer the warmth ... but I would find it hard to live somewhere where there was not four distinct seasons. Wonder if I'll still be saying that what I'm 75 and my bones ache when it's cold and/or wet?

Laxative effects ...

I must have hit the nail on the head the other day ... because I'm back to my old routine of coming here before noon. My brain can't seem to come up with anything other than a constipated / laxative simile (metaphor?) ... could that be influenced by Dave's recent colonoscopy? lol

It's unbelievably quiet this morning ... only sound is the tapping of the computer keys as I write. Don't have any music on ... as I can't decide what I want to listen to ... the playlist on my Ipod has been overplayed ... and I'm not in the mood for the randomly weird selections of the radio ... or worse, top 40. I go through these phases with music ... sometimes for months I know exactly what to listen to, to match my moods ... or I get obsessed with a certain artist or album (do they still call them albums?) ... and then at other times, like this ... it's difficult to find anything that doesn't flag as "overplayed" ...

Maybe I'll just drink in the silence ...as I've been known to complain about sensory overload when the house is in full swing.

Nicole received acceptance letters from 3 out of the 5 universities she applied to yesterday. Only problem is ... that her top 2 universities (the ones yet unheard from) don't get back to you until April .... and 2 of the 3 who've sent her acceptances need answers by March (along with the necessary deposit). Wonder what she'll do? Bottom-line, as she's taking general arts ... I don't think it really matters where she goes ... but it will be fun to watch the drama of her decision-making. She's my drama queen ... followed closely by Stef (of course) ...

Melanie started at Build-a-Bear yesterday. She called during her break to share what a "happy-happy" place it was ... and that she was silly to have been worried. She likes to pretend that she thrives on conflict and chaos as I do ... but really ... she's a "don't worry, be happy" person ... and she's found her niche. My guess is that her store will be beating all sales records within the next six months.

When she announced her departure from Strbx ... she had customers giving her good-bye presents!! Now is that the sign of a customer-service guru ... or what??

When I try to imagine myself working at Build-a-Bear ... I find myself laughing out loud at the mental pictures that come to mind ... within a few hours I'd be shoving half stuffed bears at people shouting ... take you $&^!!! bear! Patience has never been my strong suit ... nor dealing with idiots ...

For the longest time ... I had myself pegged as a tolerant, patient, kind, people-loving kind of person ... you know warm and fuzzy. How does a brain do that? Let you believe something that really isn't true? Anyways ... I know better now ... I'm rather cool, direct, sometimes intimidating and don't suffer fools (which in some moods is most everybody) ...

Am I arrogant? I don't think so ... but I'll give it some thought ...

Boils down to not really being mid-management material ... you know, managing lots of people and lots of personal issues ... probably why I wasn't happy until I climbed a few more notches ... so that I could manage files and projects and campaigns and departments and organizations. Facts and figures, things and dollars ... not primarily people-driven.

Don't get me wrong ... I don't hate people, nor am I as intolerant as I may sound ... I simply am choosy ... don't need to make friends with everyone I meet ... don't like small talk and letting the personal bleed into work ...

Hmmm ... I'm sounding more and more Finnish each day ... lol. Finns are known as "cold fish" ... not a very friendly nation UNTIL someone decides to befriend you and then you're practically family.

After all ... that's how I was raised ...

What is it about water?

... hot, almost scalding water ... bubbles with some citrusy or lavender-ish scent ... yup, it's the stereo-typical Calgon commercial ... (but come to think of it ... though I love to escape and rejuvenate in a bubble bath ... I never really liked the scent or the bubbles of Calgon. For truly amazing bubbles ... nothing will ever beat good old Mr. Bubbles ... as for scent ... I'm a sucker for Lush products) ...

Tonight's treat (well it's really not night ... but somehow I'm ahead of schedule on everything today including my bath) ... was called "Blizzard" ... a white sparkly fizzy ball that filled the bathroom with the most delicious smell (can't quite figure out what it is ... some soft flowery scent) ... and turned the water milky white before covering itself with a thick blanket of tiny little glittery bubbles ...

Read two chapters ... and luxuriated for what was at least an hour ... didn't worry about the phone or the dog. I could hear Stefani singing in her bedroom (but then again ... when doesn't she sing?) ... and once or twice heard J laugh at something on the Comedy Channel. Sounds of a peaceful home ...

The only problem with having taken a bath so early in the evening is that I'm ready for bed ... squeaky clean, relaxed and still tingly from the warm water.

(... and I did crawl into bed ... with my book and the TV ... and was soon joined by Stef and Peanut Butter ... Dave's in Sudbury ... so I guess it was "girl's night")

Transparencies ...

OMG ... three posts on the same day!! Has the earth shifted on its axis? Has Jupiter aligned with Mars? ... guess I'm holding true to my life-long pattern of feast or famine.

All kidding aside ... a stray thought just tickled at the edges of my grey matter and I thought I'd give it a look-see ....

I've got a full life ... lots of people and happenings and drama and sadness and joy ... and yet, I often find myself with nothing to say (or so I tell myself). I wander the blog-web world and read about the ups and downs of others whose lives are not as populated as mine ... and find that they never seem to find themselves with a lack of things to say ... or comments to make. So what is it with me?

A natural reticence? Shyness that transcends physical space and follows me here? ... something sillier or more dark and mysterious?

Do I really believe that "an unexamined life is not worth living" (Socrates ... for those who want to know) ... or do I just mouth the words because they make me seem smart and deep?

Am I hiding something from myself? Auto-censoring so that I remain calm and collected ... never appearing overly happy, sad, upset, mad, frustrated, excited ... keeping myself in check, a controlled calm regardless of what may be boiling beneath?

And if so ... what purpose does it serve ... or perhaps I should be asking ... what purpose have I convinced myself that it serves ... living behind this calm mask of words ... well chosen to only give as much information as I think I should give ... superficial transparencies that amount to window dressing?

Fly away home ...

... so Kyla decided "out of the blue" to return to her mom's home. No big deal ... though it's starting to feel like a game of musical homes.

And I guess I'm lying when I say "no big deal" ... because we're all slightly bent out of shape and she's been gone a week.

It's not the fact that she went back to her mother's ... I think we all knew that was inevitable ... it's the way she went about the whole thing that rankles. One day she was making plans with Stef and Nic and I ... the next day, she was announcing her departure.

And now all we're left with is a pile of discarded clothes ... a few messages on Facebook ... and the stench of lies and half-truths.

I can't help but wonder if the so-called pregnancy scare earlier in the month was simply an end to a means that back-fired. A plan that assumed that her father would "throw her out" upon finding this out ... it certainly seems a little coincidental that her departure was within days of this ....

I'm still trying to find out what really bothers me about all this ... am I mourning a loss? a perceived failure? rejection? all of the above? or something else?

Oh no ... I'm going to say it again ... time will tell ...

Lists

I have a friend who I believed to be obsessed with lists ... he tracked everything ... well, at least everything that the hours in a day would permit. I recall his bemoaning not being able to track as much he wanted and/or the lack of historical data.

I, on the other hand, kept no lists ... well, that's not exactly true ... every now and again, I would start a list ... and then as a result of procrastination or sheer laziness or being overwhelmed would stop ... and the list would wither and die somewhere unattended.

Lately, I've found myself drawn to list-making ... not the typical to-do list (I've always kept those ... there's something so inherently pleasing about crossing something off a list ... how could I resist?) ... I mean lists of movies, books and other sundry items. I'm doing not bad at all at recording ... but ...

The sheer act of recording movies watched or books read ... brings a slightly bitter taste to my mouth ... as every time I add a new book or movie ... I can't help but remember all the movies viewed and books read that have not made it to my list.

Inevitably this leads to a mini self-discussion about the "worth" of even keeping the list at this time ... a debate as to whether I should add a section of past movies viewed or books read ... or should that be another list ...

I mean ... who would have thought that something as seemingly simple as keeping a list could have so many complicated layers?

I still haven't decided what to do about the past ... but I certainly do have a better appreciation for the friend mentioned above ... and his years of tracking and list making. As for me, I'll keep tracking into the future ... and as for the past ...

time will tell ...

Rain, rain ... go away ...

It's cold and rainy ... ugh! Trying to find a smile despite the cold and wet ... where's the fog when I need it?

Another busy weekend ... Beach Bash (raised $2,500 for charity) ... Valentine's Day ... and then Monday was "Family Day" ... Ontario's newest stat holiday. The only problem with "Family Day" is that almost everything was closed ... so we dropped in to see Mel, Ang and Maija ... nothing too exciting.

So what am I up? A little work (not very inspired) ... a little housework (just to say that I did) ... procrastinating in circles ...

Time to get productive again ...

Fog ...

FOG
by: Carl Sandburg (1878-1967)
THE fog comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.

I remember having to memorize that poem ... a long time ago ... must have been in Grade Three or Four.

It's one of those foggy days. We don't get a lot of fog here ... it's a late winter / early spring kind of occurence ... when the thermometer finds itself close to 0 degrees or higher and the piles of snow start melting and releasing all that moisture into the air.

I realized this morning ... that I really like the fog ... it makes me think of blankets.

Fog lets you see the world a little out of focus ... edges are softened ... even sounds seem muted ... and there's a cushiony quiet to the world around you.

Messages in bottles ...

Some people blog for interaction of one kind or another with others. Others lean more towards an interaction with self. I’m sure I’m not the only one who blogs for some inner, deep, not necessarily dark reason … the words written in a message in a bottle for themselves (and any other explorers inquisitive enough to read) … so that they may remember … or ponder … or state for posterity … or if nothing else, for release … the words, events, feelings, absence of feelings, reporting, ventings set free into the seas to be found again later on another shore.

I do not wish to be found (outside of those few I have pointed in my direction) … more often than not I wish to find me … for far too much of the time I am lost, often times buried, some times smothering under the burden of chores, responsibilities, schedules and duties. Don’t get me wrong … these chores, responsibilities, schedules and duties are of my own choosing … but as with everything in life … even these things that I have chosen and adore … have their flip side. Blogging helps me find myself under all the lists, tasks and responsibilities … that’s when I take the time to write. When I simply upload a picture or scribble a line or few … it’s like a reminder that I still exist – separate from everything else. And in some ways a promise to myself that I will return to myself when the weather permits …

At the moment, my balancing act could take some adjusting. But I remain confident and hopeful that the pendulum will swing the other way soon enough and I will embrace the respite and the comfort of words and feelings and me when it does.

My choice in life is and has been to be a mother … and as it is in pregnancy when a mother’s body gives life and nourishment to a growing child … my life’s purpose has been to assist in the life, nourishment and growth of my children … sometimes at the expense of my own. It is a life that I love and respect and celebrate!

Yet … I realize that I must continue growing and thriving … if for no other reason than to be able to remain on the path I have chosen … to do the “job” I have chosen as well as I possibly can. The sheer existance of this blog … and a special follower … is a daily reminder that I must be as well. Being doesn’t necessarily come easy to me.

Too often I hide in the details … let myself become over absorbed in the most recent “project” … and it takes a concerted effort to pull my head out of the sand and force myself to look around.

A special friend of mine has the inner timing to gently nudge me when my head finds it way six feet or under … leaves a comment or two somewhere on my blog that fires up my grey cells and has me righting my head … with a giggle or a few. Thank you friend!

And so … I find myself here today … scribbling far more words than I have in the last two or three months. Not really caring whether the words are fit to be read by another … not worrying whether the prose is beautiful and deep. But as a wake-up call … as a reminder to me for me … as a thank you … and as the beginning of an answer …

What do I feel through my eyes …? … now that’s a whole other story ….

Sticktuitiveness

... this is a no-brainer ...

... saw this word somewhere ... some time ago ...

... wanted to remind myself that success, of any kind, is defined in large measure by the amount of sticktuitiveness applied ...

Remember? ...

(written Feb 9/09)

... when weekends were something to look forward to?

A stray (somewhat unoriginal) thought that crossed my mind a few weeks back ... and then crossed my mind again yesterday as I stood in line for six hours to assist Stefani in pursuing her dream ... a 45 second karaoke / singing audition.

A few of us mothers had a few giggles at ourselves while whiling the hours away yesterday ... "are we nuts?" figured quite prominently ... as well as the glances back to our respective sons and daughters who never complained, diligently practiced their songs and waited patiently for their 45 second shot in the dark.

Sometimes I think this is all a waste of precious time ... I'd be lying if I said otherwise ... but then I ask myself - who am I to determine what is a waste of time or not? Whether she ever becomes the star she dreams of being ... watching Stefani's determination and tenacity in following her heart's desire ... sometimes actually puts my own to shame.

I don't think I ever gave it my all in that way ... I don't think I ever believed in myself in that way ... I don't think I ever worked that hard to attain a goal ...

We saw lots of kids ... lots of parents ... lots of brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles yesterday. Not all had that determined look in their eyes ... but those who did, those like Stefani ... stood out and shone like beacons. And the parents of these children were drawn together as though pulled in with a magnetic field. Instant rapport, understanding, camaraderie ... we cheered on each other's children.

Funny I would have thought we'd be the "stage moms" ... but what I saw yesterday is that the "stage moms and dads" were more often than not the parents of the children who were complaining and wanted to leave, who weren't prepared and to be honest, couldn't sing. Those of us escorting the "driven" (for lack of a better word) all shared this laid-back, no pressure attitude ... faces mildly confused ... as we weren't the ones "driving the train" ... we were simply facilitating, assisting, chaperoning, providing transportation ... the desire, the reason we were there was the sheer force of will and determination of our children!

Six hours waiting in line gives you an awful lot of time to think ... and think I did yesterday. I thought about what else I could be accomplishing in six hours ... I thought about whether this was the best use of all our time ... I thought about whether this was a good thing for Stefani - all this auditioning and practicing and chasing a very elusive dream shared by many ... I thought about my feeble attempts at chasing dreams as compared to Stefani ... I thought about what part of my parenting may have molded such a determined daughter ...

I mean what else do you now that your weekends are no longer what they used to be?

Conspiracy theories ...

Okay so it has to be a dastardly conspiracy that has kept me away from here ... especially with all the resolutions and promises I'd made to myself about finding at least one hour out of every day to come here and unburden a handful of words or two ... read and comment on ethereals and reals and other words and worlds! It couldn't be me ... nah, perish that thought!

So what's been keeping me from this restful garden? ... the flu ... an ear-ache ... the lull after the storm ... cold weather which had me often choosing the comfy warmth of my bed (and a book) rather than my office ... work ...

Same old reasons ... but the excuses are wearing thin ... even to me. So hopefully as I stand here and shout "Here I am ... finally!" ... I really am here ... finally!

Time will tell, I'm sure ... tattle telling time ...

Record temperature drops ...

They say it's been over a decade since Toronto has seen (or should I say "felt"?) cold weather like this ... believe me when I say this is "arctic cold" ... the kind of cold that hurts your throat and slams your nostrils shut when you take your first step out of the protected warmth of your house ... the kind of cold that makes the air still and thick as if it's about to freeze and become something brittle and tangible ... the kind of cold that makes chimney smoke waft straight into the frigid air. Bitter cold ... the kind that bites at your skin ... and burns with its icy flames.

The furnace is just barely keeping up ... and we're all wearing extra layers ... socks, sweat shirts (heck I've even got a scarf around my neck ... but to be honest, more for comfort than warmth).

I'm just slowly getting over an ear infection ... it's still tender and aches off and on ... but the antibiotics are doing the trick, I hope.

Life has slowed down to a manageable pace ... but I think we're all trying to catch our respective breaths ... and adjusting to this "slower" version of life before us.

... new beginnings ...

New years are like presents just unwrapped ... unspoiled, untarnished and chock full of promise. The inner child in me revels in the presence of shiny and new ... and stands back somewhat in awe of the new beginning ... and somewhat hesitant to make a move that might mar the unmarked surface.

I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this year ... simply vowed to myself to take better care of me ... and to live each day to its fullest ... because by sheer mathematical formula ... my days are numbered.

My wish is to be happy more days than not ... to laugh more than frown ... to sigh deeply with pleasure and serenity more than to groan with displeasure ... to embrace opportunity and delight more than to justify fear.

And you?

Fairytale Wedding with a Mad Hatter Twist

They say a picture paints a thousand words ... well, here's a couple of thousands worth.