Brrr ...

... it's 25 below this morning! Brrr ...
We got the predicted snowfall ... almost six inches ... and the world is covered in white (and to tell you a secret ... it didn't feel like 25 below this morning when I went out to drive Jen home ... without wind winter is actually tolerable).

So as I was saying previously when I dropped in here for a sentence or two ... time has got me by the nose and is leading me around like the fool that I am. Not going completely crazy yet ... figure that if I stay on course, I'll make all the deadlines. What's that? Have I left room for the unexpected? Arggghhh ... nope ...

Let's see ... I have puulla to make (that's Finnish coffee bread) ... that's a full day ... 4 ties for the grooms-men ... Mel's dress left to sew (it's been cut and is sitting waiting for me to put it together) ... the sparkles and sequins to add to her overskirt ... the head piece to make. The bridesmaid dresses are 95% done ... they have to be fitted and the "poufs" need to be made (don't even ask ... it's Melanie's wedding - enough said) ... more guests have RSVP'ed so there's another 15 teacups to purchase ...
As for Christmas ... I have about 4 gifts that need to be "made" ... have most of my shopping done so I'm feeling confident ... though stocking stuffers still need to be dreamed up.
As for food ... I'm feeding 20 people this year ... I haven't a clue what I'm going to do (oh? you didn't know that we don't do turkey? well, yeah ... the kids decided long ago that a turkey was too traditional) ...
I've got Stefani almost ready for her big trip to CA ... only need to find her a pair of shoes ... and that reminds me she's got a workshop today ...

Got off the computer at 11:50 pm last night as I pressed "send" and just barely made the funding application deadline for Transport Canada. Now if that gets accepted ... I'd be one happy camper. Gonna try and get some work done over the holidays (dream on girl) to allow myself to breathe a little in the new year ...

Well that's it for this morning ... gonna finish my coffee, straighten the house ... and start sewing!

Time ...

... keeps on slipping, slipping ... into the future ...

... it's like I'm living with a giant timepiece inside my head ...

... tick
... tock
.... tick
... tock

.... time's running faster than I can catch up ...

Interruption

We interrupt this regularly scheduled silence to bring you a short message to confirm still being alive and well ...

Wow ... I can't believe (sssh ... yes I can but it sounds better to say that I can't) that it's been over a week since I've dropped in here.

Let's see what you've missed ... I fell down some stairs last week because my bum left ankle just decided to stop working. Bad sprain but I'm alive and hobbling around just fine.

Preparations for Stef's trip to LA in early January have taken up a huge chunk of my time ... clothes, bathing suit, passport ...

Have managed to complete two of the bridesmaid dresses (Maija and Stefani). Mel had purchased four dresses for the "big" girls and I was supposed to make some slight alterations. Ha! Slight my ass!! I've basically recreated the dresses ... would have been easier to start from scratch. But there's no time for complaining ... if all goes well, I should have those finished tonight!

Which means I'll get to start on Melanie's ... last night I experimented and found out that I could cover the mesh overskirt with glitter and shiny stuff by using spray on glue. Now that will be an experience!

Started X-mas shopping this week ... nowhere close to where I should be at this time but simply having a few gifts purchased takes the anxiety edge off. I also managed to make two tourtieres (meat pies) and freeze those. Tonight I'll try and get two dozen butter tarts done.

I guess slow and steady eventually wins the race.

And I'm not even describing the half of it ... there's been helping Kyla with her final psych exam (not an easy task as she has a comprehension problem) ... fighting with the government on two fronts: getting my birth certificate from the Government of Quebec who in a quest for extra money declared all birth certificates issued before 1990 as invalid ... and then fighting with the Government of Ontario for Jonathan's disability cheques ... dealing with the craziness of impending full moons ... Nicole's social butterfly schedule and rushing her to work when she cuts it too close ... making arrangements for Gary and Liza and Merick and Gramma's visit ... dealing with Dave's family ... here and in Sudbury (hey ... Tim and Carrie had their baby ... Chase Alexander two days ago) ... and naturally, there's work ... 7 hours a day ... otherwise we'd all starve ...

I'm planning on taking a few hours on Saturday to write a little ... surf my favorite ethereal places and recharge the batteries ...

Political storms

Hmmm ... have Canadians grown balls while I wasn't paying attention? This quiet, peaceful nation of mine is making noise ... and scary as it may be ... I kinda' like it!

Political storms are waging ... the Governor General (our true "head of state") has flown back from Europe to address the "situation" ... the newspapers, radio and television news broadcasts are having a field day ... with the public voice swaying rather evenly between outrage and "way to go!" ...

Personally, I'm just thrilled to pieces to see Canada with a fresh, new set of balls ... and whichever way this goes isn't as important as the process. I don't think the country will grind to a halt or fall apart because something "unheard of" is happening. What I truly hope is that this is not a "tempest in a teapot" ... some media or spin doctor prank (ahhh ... a whiff of my inherent cynicism is raising its head ... having done my fair share of spin-doctoring in my time) ...

So what's the brouhaha about? Simply that a coalition government is being plotted, planned, threatened ... and I find it amusing that everyone seems to have forgotten that this ploy was already threatened once before by the very man (and party) that finds itself targeted this time.

With a multi-party system, such as Canada has ... our elected official and party often finds itself as a minority government with less than 50% ... in this case less than 40% of the popular vote. Unlike the US, we do not vote directly for our leader - our prime minister. Canadians vote for the best representative for their particular region and leader of the party most often represented by this elected officials becomes the prime minister.

Coalition governments ... work elsewhere in the world ... why not Canada? I think it's a great step in the progression of a true democracy. We need a government that can work together. By establishing a coalition - these parties and leaders have already taken the first step to prove that they can and will work together towards a common goal ... (am I being too idealistic here?)

A black American President ... a coalition government for Canada ... could this be the start of a new age?

I don't know about you ... but I'm keeping my ears and eyes open and my fingers crossed that this coalition comes to pass ... this is definitely a move in the right direction ... a government that allows participation by hereto fringe parties ... an open door for parties of all stripes and flavours to participate in the formation and process of Canadian governance ... just as it should be!

Already Sunday

Another busy day ... and already the weekend is almost a thing of the past. Where does the time go (rhetorical, of course)?

Nicole's back into the flow of this household ... actually goes back to work on Tuesday (Starbucks) ... now that's a long-winded tale that involves Melanie and the fact that three baristas quit on the same day at her store and it's pre-Christmas season and they can't afford to hire three new baristas to get trained in time to deal with the season's needs and chaos ... so Nic was actually hired back by another store while she was still in France so that she could be loaned out to Melanie's store until January. Today, she's off to visit Ali (her boyfriend) at McMaster (Hamilton) where he's taking first year pre-med. (I just learnt that their friend, Kaz is going to Berkeley and will be visiting over Christmas ... always knew that boy was smart ... but Berkeley tells me that I may have actually underestimated his smarts) ...

Kyla has her company Christmas party tonight (murder mystery supper theatre) ... I'm sure we'll have a wardrobe crisis sometime around 4 PM ... lol.

Put the outside Christmas lights up yesterday on the front porch ... that's a new set-up as we let Kyla decide this year. So instead of the usual white lights along the eave's trough ... we're doing greenery and coloured lights across the front porch. Gotta get the extension cord ... and then we'll be able to comment ... ooh and aah appropriately.

I've got pork ribs defrosting for supper ... and my goal is to finish Maija's dress for the wedding today... it's a miniature version of Stef's. With that out of the way ... I'll be ready to start the adjustments on the 4 other bride's maid dresses and/or start Mel's. Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking ... into the future ...

And at some point today ... gotta get my mental time-table ready for the upcoming week. I've been doing that for years now ... Sunday overview ... to-do lists and juggling this and that to try and get the week shaped up into some semblance of uber-productivity. I still have to get Stefani's passport application taken care of ... and I've got to deal with issues at work ... there's a couple of contracts posted on CharityVillage that I should apply for (extra money is always a good thing) ... and at some point I need to start Christmas shopping (lists aren't going to get the presents into the house or created) ... and then I've got to decide what I'm making for supper Friday night when the "girls" (Suzanne and Carol) come over. Sounds like craziness now ... my idea to have the girls over for an evening of chatting, good food and good wine ... but I do know it'll be good to have a break from all these "must do's" ...

Well ... gotta get started with this day ... besides the above ... I do have laundry, grocery shopping and a quick stop over at Debbie's to pick up a few things she put aside for Mel and Maija ...

No rest for the wicked as they say ...

Stefani tidbits

So we're all stuffed up battling some Canadian pre-winter germ ... and poor Stefani is suffering from a case of alternating dry / wet eye. You know that state where one moment your eyes are running as though you were crying ... and the next they're dry as a bone and achy. Anyways yesterday afternoon found Stef on the couch watching one of her favorite shows ... when she decided to announce to one and all ..." Yup ... my eyes are definitely running out of saliva." Priceless!

At her acting workshop yesterday they handed out the monologues and scripts that the kids have to prepare for the talent showcase. Stefani's monologue is a spunky one ... but the kicker is the script (dialogue) she'll be doing with Christian (the cute curly blonde haired 9 year old boy). She's Vada from "My Girl" ... "the Kiss" scene ... where Vada convinces the young boy to try out kissing ...

You can imagine the theatrics we were privvy to when she shared that information with us ... "it's the worst day of my life" ... "oh my ... I've got to ... hmmm ... kiss ... Christian!" ... Lots of emphasis on Christian mind you ...

Today we're preparing her outfits for her headshot shoot on Wednesday morning ...

Simply Saturday

... but suffering from a slight case of Princess and the Pea syndrome ... you know that feeling, that slight unease of matters left untended or intuition lights flashing indistinctly in the background ...

... so as I sip on my morning coffee within the midst of my home office chaos (chaos may actually be an understatement this time around ... hurricane aftermath seems somehow more appropriate) ... I realize that some of the discomfort is stemming from the whirlwind schedule I find myself on ... and the sheer number of deadlines, timelines, projects, tasks, promises, schedules I'm juggling at the moment. The only saving grace is that by mid-January the pressure will be lifted ... but until then ...

... holidays, wedding, Stefani's Hollywood extravaganza all seem manageable (sssh ... don't burst my bubble) ... if only just barely ...

... the biggest knot in my stomach right now is work ... another unsavory situation with my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde boss. Confrontations by email or by telephone are slippery, dangerous things ... I'd much prefer face-to-face ... but that doesn't appear to be something that is about to happen soon. So I bite my tongue and bide my time ... which doesn't sit well ... and I worry and fret and repress and suppress and make notes and vent with no satisfaction ...

... did I forget to tell you that patience is not my strong suit? Actually ... I manage superficial patience rather well ... you know, that first week or two of patience, playing the game - that I've mastered quite well ... it's being patient beyond that point that I have problems with ...

... and then there are these voices inside my head that say - there's no point in being patient beyond that initial period ... and that's what the disquiet and the rumblings and "peas" are all about. Heck, yesterday I even goaded myself with the following question - "what would a man do in this situation?" ... I know - I'm laughing about it too!!

Everything will change ... love remains the same

... listening to Gavin Rossdale ... and that line resonated with me: life explained in seven words.

And I sit here looking at these words ... thoughts swirling in my grey matter, words forming and dissolving ... and wondering if anything more really needs to be said ... or will it simply detract from the profound simplicity and truth of those words.

Everything will change ... it's inevitable
Love ... true love, unconditional love, honest love ... remains the same ... always and forever ... period.

Parental Report Card

I've always thought of parenthood as the ultimate crap shoot. Concentrate, focus, blow on the dice, pray and/or wish really hard and then let the dice fly ... hold your breath until they fall.

What works with one child does not necessarily work another ... children like adults are individuals (duh! ... but don't laugh too quickly because there's a multi-billion industry built on the fallacy that one-size-fits-all relative to parenting and childhood issues, child raising) ... Add more than one child to the parent-child mix and you bring into play family dynamics and sibling rivalries and another set of dynamics ...

Forget about crap shoots ... it's more like starting a recipe with thousands of variables and only a general idea of the necessary ingredients. So we're baking bread ... we're going to need flour and yeast ... all the other ingredients are best guesses at best ...

Add to all this the fact that you don't get to see the final product until much after the ingredients have been mixed together and percolated ... tampered by other adults, peers, experiences, innocuous and not so innocuous circumstances ...

But I'm mixing analogies (or are these similes?) ...

As a parent I've had four report cards so far ... Mel, Will, J and now Nic ... and I'm proud to say I think I've passed. Not the stellar grades I'd hoped for ... but a fairly decent average!

So why the ramblings about parental report cards? Because Nic came back with a whole new outlook on life ... and one based, in part, from having lived within another family system which allowed (or forced) her to examine her own. The words which warmed the cockles of my heart went something like this: "mom you just don't realize what a good mom you were and are - you exposed us to so much, gave us choices and let us make mistakes ..."

I mean ... can a parent ask for anything else? I know that I've found myself caught up many times throughout the years keeping up with the Joneses for the kids ... with trivial stuff ... lost within the day-to-day ... often questioning if I was doing enough, teaching enough, leading enough ... especially when faced with the judgement of other parents ...

But today I sit proud knowing that I've raised a handful of fine adults who question ... know how to enjoy the moment ... absolutely know how to make lemonade from lemons ... understand the power and responsibility of choice and responsibility ... are empowered ...

who'd have thunk it? I must have prayed really hard when I rolled those dice!

Nicole est de retour!

Okay so the house is a mess ... the furnace is broken and is blowing cold air (gotta laugh at the irony of that ... poor Nic stuck in the Alps for the last 3 months was given the room with no heating and froze her a** off ... and now she's coming home to an ice-box room. It's not that I'm cruel ... it's more a question of knowing that if I don't laugh at the situation I just could lose it!) ...

What with Santa's workshop in full swing ... and my playing wedding dress-maker ... I really don't think there's any way to make the house look respectable at this point! (Space heaters all over the house don't help much either). I'll do my best ...

So we're all taking off from here around 12:30 ... I'm sure I'll update this with the highlights of her return (and don't forget to ask me about the rumblings and grumblings about work ... I've got to get that off my chest soon).

There we are on our way through Terminal 3 to welcome Nic ...

... and there's Stef with the sign she made for Nic ...

... and when you're 8 years old ... this says it all!!

I cried ...

It's now a little past 9 pm ... Nicole has crashed (in more ways than one ... two Smirnoffs + Jet Lag = cold shower crashes) and is sleeping. The rest of us are pretty exhausted ourselves. All this family loving and waiting and excitement can sure tire someone out!!

Final Countdown ...

Nic comes home tomorrow ... and you'd swear by the excitement around here that she'd been gone for a year! Stefani is literally beside herself, bouncing off walls and so excited that she finds nothing else to say but "eek" with a grin so wide that her facial muscles are soon going to start aching.

Spoke to Nic this afternoon ... she was trying to wait patiently at the airport hotel ... but apparently she hasn't slept in two nights and she was the first to mention the facial muscles ... "mom, I've been smiling so much the last two days that my face hurts!".

So naturally Nic has been told that everyone outside of Kyla, myself and Stef are either at work or at school and therefore unable to meet and greet her at the airport ... but ... we're all going to be there!! It'll be great to see her face ... first the excitement and surprise ... and then the twinge of "oh no ... are they going to embarass me here?" ...

Okay I've got to stop this ...

I do this all the time! Start something for myself ... get comfortable and happy in the routine I've carved out for myself ... and then allow life and hectic chaos to eat into my time. I become the protector of everyone else's time ... letting mine fritter away ...
I guess a part of me enjoys the momentary martyr satisfaction ... but that soon fades and is quickly replaced by frustration and a major case of the grumps. And when you leave the grumps alone for too long ... they get replaced by their best friends procrastination and lethargy ...
You'd think I'd have learnt by now. But ... I will pat myself on the back for having nipped this slow slide into frustration far sooner in the bud than is my usual.
There really isn't any good reason why I can't carve 15 - 25 minutes out of every day for writing and thinking and reading and commenting and pontificating and dreaming and rambling and babbling now is there?
So ... that's it ... no more excuses.

Notes on the run ...

Seems to me that recently I've been rambling about Stefani more than any one else ... but then again, Stefani is living the dream ... and the rest of us are getting to live that dream vicariously through her ... beside her.

As only a child can ... Stef takes it all in stride ... as something that was always a given. There's no doubt in her mind that she will be a discovered celebrity one day. As I was brushing her hair this morning before rushing out to a call-back ... she innocently announced - "the only difference between me and Miley Cyrus ... is that she's a discovered celebrity ... and I'm still undiscovered. But not for long ..."

You'd have to meet her ... spend a few minutes with her to be swept away by her charms. Because regardless of this driven passion ... she is the most unpretentious, the least arrogant, the most sharing, most innocent person.

I watched her today ... taking deep breaths as she was in line to go into the camera room to have her monologue put on film. There were four girls who'd been called back ... she was last in line. Her face was pinched ... a tad pale ... she smiled nervously as her hands fiddled with her head-shot and resume as she struggled to get her breathing and nerves under control. When the door opened, signalling her turn ... she took one step, then another ... and then the steps turned into a confident, bouncy gait and it's like a light bulb went on. Smile. As the door closed I overheard her say confidently - "Hello. How are you?" ...

Personally, I struggled with the decision of donning the "stage mom" hat and investing the time and effort it takes to help her memorize scripts, lines, monologues, commercials ... the hours spent at auditions and getting photos and clothes ... call-backs ... hopes and crashes ... all that entails trying to be part of "entertainment industry". But one look at her face after an audition and I know I've made the right decision for Stefani ... because believe it or not ... for Stefani the "audition" ... playing to the camera ... acting and singing ... is all that matters. Most of the time, she doesn't even care whether she "got the part". She's focussed on whether she did better than last time ...

As a competitive person ... that's something that's foreign to me. Doing something for the sake of doing something. Don't get me wrong - she does everything to the very best of her abilities ... but she doesn't focus on the "end result" ... putting it out there is her focus. And then she lets it go ... and allows whatever happens to happen. She didn't learn that from me! Ha! Or Dave either ... we're both as competitive as it gets ... and so are the rest of the kids.

I'm in awe ...

She's going to Hollywood!

Wow! I'm still in shock. I mean, granted, I've always thought that Stefani was cute and talented ... but did I ever think that others would think the same thing? Yes and no.

Anyways ... long story short ... phone rings ... agent calling ... 4 days in Hollywood for go-sees and call-backs ... paid travel and accommodation at the Century Plaza ... January 2 thru' 6th.

Stef's reaction? ... "I'm going to Hollywood ... I always thought it would be New York first."

What I wouldn't give to be that passionate ... that sure of something. She has never doubted and probably never will. So watch out Hollywood ... here she comes!

It's raining, it's pouring ...

okay so the old man isn't snoring ... and it's not really pouring ... but it is raining. Cold and wet ... bone-chilling cold ... you know the kind most readily found here in the North. Grey skies, wet leaves ... icy puddles ... definitely not the kind of weather to inspire anything remotely close to "singing in the rain" or splashing through puddles, not even in rubber boots!

the glory of fall ... its wondrous multi-colored leaves and crisp air has been replaced by a muted almost ugly landscape that wafts of decaying water sodden browned leaves scattered everywhere. Makes you almost wish for snow ...

i finished "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer last night ... unbelievable story that has me saddened that it's over. It'll be tough to pick out the next book to read ... as it'll be hard not to compare.

been up a few hours ... getting Stef ready for another audition this afternoon ... which means another day of waiting ... so I'd better go pick out a book from the pile in the office. It's sure to be a Starbucks kinda' day ... watching people through the window, reading an article or two from the paper and munching on the words of whatever title I happen to choose from the top of that pile.

stef just reminded me ... eleven days until Nic comes home ...

Eh?

As alluded to in the couple of words I posted in "through these eyes" ... I'm still somewhat in shock about the latest news to grace the Canadian airwaves and front pages: the possible ... impending sale of the CN Tower.

My initial reaction was naturally shock and dismay complete with tsk tsk tongue clucking ... I mean, come on ... would the Americans ever think of selling their landmarks? Their representative symbols ...

And that's when my thoughts started changing somewhat. It's not as if the CN Tower represents Canadian history outside of the mere fact that it was built in Canada and is located in a major Canadian city. It's not our Statue of Liberty or anything ... it's the Seattle Space Needle ... is all it is. And that is surely not owned by the American government ...

So unless the CN Tower is going to become covered in gaudy advertising ... why should I be so shocked? And shouldn't I be thrilled to know that I live in a country that prides itself on not being in debt? That it makes the tough decisions necessary to ensure that it remains so?

Canada has routinely posted annual budget surpluses since the 1990s, the only G7 industrialized nation to do so, ... but fears that the country could dip into the red as the world grapples with the financial meltdown is the reason behind the possible sale ...

Fiscally responsible ... I kinda like that. Puts a different spin on this sale business, eh?

Lollipop Lint

So much going on in my head. Umpteen voices and thoughts ... and shards and slivers and shimmers of others ... vying for attention, wanting to be heard ... arms outstretched (if thoughts have arms) clamoring as they beg "pick me, pick me" ...

I'm sure if I woke up one day and there weren't as many voices and thoughts and opinions and lists and advice "up there" ... I'd be worried. I'm sure there are those who might think that I should be worried now ... hearing voices is not typically seen as a sign of mental health.

I think it is ... those voices and thoughts ... prove to me each and every morning that I am still alive the way I want to be ... questioning and seeking and thinking ... not accepting "face value" at "face value" ...

but ...

Being a fence-sitter, straddler whatever you might call it by nature ... I sometimes freeze at the thought of selecting one of those thoughts for further review, thought, ponderage. (I mean, I wouldn't want to make the other thoughts feel left out ... or less worthy, now would I?) And sometimes, when I drum up the necessary motivation to pick one from the herd ... it's entwined and emmeshed in so many other thoughts and possibilities that I find myself leaning back in my chair, throwing my head back and laughing ... at the sheer impracticality of it all ... never enough time.

I may not have ADHD in "real-time" physical life space ... but I'm a true ADHD basket case in the corridors of my mind ... my thoughts flit this way and that ... opening doors, peeking in, bookmarking and post-it-noting all kinds of quotes and lines and thoughts and books and articles ... for later review of course. Later rarely comes ... because by the time "later" comes, I've already moved on to "right now" and right now there's all kinds of new doors, threads and vistas to examine ... however superficially.

Examine may be a misnomer ... more like a taste ... nah, not even a taste ... more a lick to see if the flavour is instantly unpleasant or is welcome for another lick ...

Like an absent-minded child, I then throw that lollipop into the "to be licked again later" pile ... and move forward to the next shiny object in front of me ...

Is it any wonder that when I do return to the pile ... I find the lollipops all covered in bits and pieces of other lollipops and fuzzy from lint?

Just one of those days

Forgot to reset the alarm clock after Dave left for work this morning (6 am) ... so didn't wake up to get Stefani ready for school on time. Woke up at 9 am ... horrified ... scurrying around trying to get everything ready at once ... took one look at Stef's face ... and declared it a "mental health day" ...
Whoops and cheers ...
... I always liked those ... so did the other kids ... those unexpected breaks from routine that spice things up.

So instead of the daily grind ... we're baking chocolate chip cookies ... drinking hot cocoa ... and she's now watching Another Cinderella Story. Later we're going to walk the mall and window shop ... just another one of those days!

Cocooned

Everytime I "allow" myself the pleasure of crawling back under the covers and lazily sleeping in ... I promise myself that I will do it again soon. Soon never comes around that often ... but it did this morning.

Maybe it was the harsh wind blowing leaves and snowflakes across the front lawn ... maybe the final remnants of the flu that flattened earlier this week ... but as soon as Stefani was safely off to school ... I ran as fast as my bare feet could take me across the wooden floors and jumped back into the still warm cocoon of my bed. I fluffed up my pillow just right ... tucked the bed sheets and blankets and duvet around me like a cocoon and let myself fall back into a deliciously sinful two hour "nap".

No phone calls, no laundry, no "to do's" and "will do's" ...

Just a nice break from Monday morning and it's chilly reminder that winter is threatening.

Birthdays, fevers and life goes on

It's been another week in a life ... filled with the usual which is always unusual however ordinary it may be.

I got flattened by the flu ... set up at work in such a brilliant fashion that I can do nothing but tilt my hat and say "bravo"... J turned 21 and actually enjoyed the "pomp and circumstance" surrounding the family festivities ...

... and Nic returns in 17 days!!

Drowning in Paper Roses ...

Life seems to filled with countdowns these day ... between the regular countdowns that make up the sum of all of the parts of our days and weeks ... and Nic's home-coming, Christmas, Mel & Ang's wedding ...

Two bridal party dresses sewn ... one left to alter ... Mel's hasn't even been started. Then there's the roses ... as can be seen here ... hundreds of white paper roses to 'deck the halls'. I've become quite an expert and can multi-task ... while keeping pace at 12 roses per hour ...

Tedious work ... but love makes everything so much simpler and easier.

Chester See

Stefani had the opportunity a few weekends ago to participate in a Disney Acting Camp ... something pretty special for a young lady from Toronto ... MILES away from the inner sanctum of Disney ... LA and Orlando. One of the camp leaders was Chester (seen above), host of Disney 365 ... needless to say, Chester was overshadowed by some of the other "celebrities" better known to these kids as their favorite characters from Suite Life of Zach and Cody and Suite Life on Deck. And I mean, who can compare to the charisma and presence of Esteban (Adrian R Mante) who literally stole the show ... or the casting directors?

Chester did make an impression on Stefani ... as he did for me as well. His energy was amazing ... positive and fun-loving and dynamic. I'll never forget walking into the studio to pick Stefani up from camp and seeing Chester mopping the floor with a young lady during an improv skit ... and then realizing that the young lady in question was Stef! All that aside ... Stef asked me to google Chester this morning ... and we were pleasantly surprised to find him on MySpace ... and more so, to discover that music is his first love ...

Check him out ... you might be surprised! ...

What about the babies ...

What else do you do on a blustery Saturday afternoon when you've got an hour to wait ... and don't really like window or regular shopping? Why, get yourself something hot and tall from Starbucks ... grab a chair by the window ... do some people-watching, read a bit from the book you carry with you everywhere ... or pick up the newspaper and see what's going on in the world.

I must admit that I read the newspaper far less than I should ... heck, I read the newspaper less than I thought I would. I remember my mother and father would sit down everyday ... either just before supper or after ... and read every printed word. To this day, I can see the way they each held the paper ... that crinkling paper sound that's unique to the sound of a newspaper page being turned ... how they'd trade sections ... as well as how the paper looked when it had been read piled neatly between them on the floor.

I'd naturally assumed that when I grew up, I would do exactly the same. Somehow the appetite for news never appeared ... and at best, I give articles a cursory, speed-reading glance ... and worse, there is usually not much that really interests me ...

Yesterday, however, I was captivated by an editorial of sorts on artificial insemination ... and maybe because having recently read Micheal Crichton's NeXt ... my mind has been playing with the thoughts and opinions and ideas sparked within that quarter page in Saturday's Globe and Mail ...

What about the babies? ... was the gist of the provocation by the author whom I have disrespected by not remembering.

We live within a time when there are enough babies born of artificial insemination who have matured into adulthood ... and who have enough of a voice ... to force us to answer or at least try to answer the questions, ethics and philosophical points they are voicing ...

What about the babies? ... doctors, donors, mothers ... all consenting adults who understood what they were getting into or doing ... doctors making $ providing mothers with their deepest desire that of being a mother ... donors making a few $ for providing their sperm to enable the doctors to help the mothers to be ... and mothers forking out $$ to grant themselves their deepest desire ... but what about the babies?

These babies were born ... without consent ... without choice ... and with only half a story.

How did we fool ourselves ... what were we told ... what smoke and mirrors were fabricated for us to forget that the babies mattered ... their needs, their questions, their health, their needs, their deepest desires were going to have to be addressed at some point. Did we truly believe that a system of response predicated on "law" and "nondisclosure" ... was going to stop the questions? Did we somehow convince ourselves that somehow these children should simply shut up and simply be happy that they were born?

Human "logic" confounds me. Human want and need and greed still manages to astound me. Human manipulation of nature scares me ...

This is not the first scientific advance that has raced forward without regard of the ethical, philosophical, societal impacts ... without looking at the bigger picture ... and I dare say, it probably won't be the last.

I bitterly laugh at the thought that our morals and justifications with respect to this issue seem to be limited to the protection of the donor ... the doctor and the mother. Once again, what about the babies?

So the donor ... needing money I assume ... sold his sperm in exchange for anonymity. How did we ever see this as ethical? Oh right ... who cared about ethics and morality when there was money to be made? I forgot ...

Back to the editorial in question ... I could feel the bile rising as the justifications and closed doors these "babies" were facing were described: the donor was told no child would ever search him out; countries such as Britain where anonymity is no longer guaranteed have experienced huge donor losses ...

What ever happened to understanding that to every decision, to every action ... there is a consequence ... exchange of dollars notwithstanding?

and ultimately ... what about the babies?

Fall pirouettes

The last leaves are just about to fall from the trees ... and a few flakes of snow actually fell this morning ... but the sun is valiantly trying to warm our frozen fingers and wind whipped faces. Winter is not far behind ...

Though I don't relish the thought of boots and scarves and hats and mittens and gloves and bulky coats ... I love this sweater and scarf weather ... nothing feels better or healthier to me than cold red cheeks. Had a moment of non-summer bliss today as I shuffled my suede booted feet through crunchy leaves ... my brown scarf coiled around my neck ... sipping a delicious Starbucks caramel macchiato as I made my way to a meeting downtown.

I do love summer and the kiss of the sun ... but if I were totally honest ... fall is my all-time favorite season. The air seems crisper, everything looks sharper more in focus ... breathing in is a delight as the air is cold and tickles the nostrils ... and every now and again you can see your breathe puff beyond your mouth. I relish the whip of the wind ... and the sound of scurrying, grating and rattling of leaves along the sidewalks and walkways. My nostrils flare at the faint scent of a fireplace burning somewhere ...

My eyes never tire of dried berries and grapewreaths ... cornstalks, gourds, pumpkins ... and views of pieces of the city that are hidden by leaves and branches all summer long. The waves crash on the breakers beyond the shore of Lake Ontario ... and the beaches and promenades are empty except for the likes of me and the occassional dog walkers ...

It's pirouette weather ... and I love it!

Off to the races ...

It was dark when we awoke ... and now I'm sitting here sipping my coffee as Stef gets dressed ...
I had to grab a sweater and some socks ... the floor boards are cold. I can't imagine how chilly it must be outside.

Breakfast - check.
Lunch prepared and packed - check.
Hair - check.
Last minute clothes inspection - check.
Run through the lines - check.
Cell phone, book to read, camera and money - check.

Off we go ... another Disney-esque day of delights and discoveries.

Forgotten faces of my father

It's a thought that haunts me in the far recesses of my mind ... something that an episode of Hannah Montana last year brought to my conscious mind ...that of having forgotten details or at the time the sum total of the face of my father ... the memory of his smell or his touch ...

Chronologically his death was just a little over three decades ago ... thirty years is a long time by any stretch. And it's not like I woke up one day and all the details had been erased ... no, it was something more insidious than that ... a slow process where time eroded the sharpness and brightness of contours and details until but a blur remained ... a blur of a vague shape ... somewhat of the same size ... not a flesh and blood memory with skintone and five o'clock shadow and grey hairs ... no, something more like the chalk outline of CSIs and Law & Orders ...

Horror is an understatement to describe what rose bileous in my throat when I realized that I could not bring up the vision of my father's face ... the line of his jaw ... or the width of his shoulders. His image had fled leaving cliched memories in its place ... memories held together by the glue of words strung together ... no longer visual images ...

I pulled out every photo I still have ... and relief washed over me ... for the man captured in black and white and early Kodak colour was recognizable, my chromosones remembered him, if nothing else ... and as I flipped over photo after photo, the memories took on weight and colour and substance ... became real enough for me to step into and relive ...

I'd locked those memories away into the pages of photo albums where his likeness was also beginning to fade ... the colours more mottled and faded with the years. I vowed not to let as many years pass before visiting again ... I deliberately stroll down memory lane now ... never wanting that feeling to wash over me again, that of losing a loved one ... as in the face of my father forever ...

and maybe because I've chosen never to close that door again ... to carefully check every now and again that it is indeed ajar ... memories come to visit "out of the blue" when I least expect it. The smile of ice in an arena never fails to remind me of Dad ... as does the slicing of ice skates on Zamboni-ed ice ... a man's housecoat brings an automatic mental image of my father's blue and white checked bathrobe with him in it ... and when I'm really lucky, I'll catch a whiff of him in the air that I'm breathing ...

of Paris and love ...

Nic called ... figuratively and literally spilling over with excitement and glee and merriment at being in Paris for the next week ...
She has her own hotel room ... and therefore is sneaking away once the kids sleep to roam and to savour and drink in this magnificient city ...
She's already in love ... with the Louvre, the Seine, the artists, the people ...

And me? I'm even more in love with my child ... seeing the woman the wondrous person she has become fills me with such pride that I'm figuratively and literally spilling over with excitement and glee and merriment of my own.

I'm giggling that she made reference to her return date with a "casual" reference to "Sabrina" ... and no, not the 90s version ... the original 1954 version with none other than Audrey Hepburn.

Little did I understand when I first held her in my arms when I felt such love and protectiveness towards this small helpless creature looking up at me and believed that love could never possibly be bigger than this ... that love could be and would be ... bigger, larger, more encompassing ...

I still love her so much my heart hurts ...

The Principal's Office

... as I went to take a seat - she exclaimed, "Oh don't sit there, you won't fit" ... and as I sat myself down, rather comfortably might I add ... she tittered, "Oh ... what I meant was that's where the bad kids usually sit."

Should I read something into the fact that the chair I selected (and there were more than three to choose from) was the favorite chair of those facing the Principal for disciplinary reasons?

Regardless ... today I faced the Principal not because I'd been bad or I'd been summoned ... but because I finally felt the need to stand up for my child. To champion her rights and talk about things not easily fixed because they take too much time, are beyond the full control of the school, the Principal, the teachers ... which speak to "Lord of the Flies" and human nature ... not the beauty but the ugly side ...

Stefani is a gentle young girl ... with strong personal convictions of what is right and what is wrong. Instinctively she turns the other cheek, shares and strives to make others feel welcome, warm and cared for. Stefani is gentle and kind. That does not mean Stefani is a push-over, nor does it mean that she is a follower.

And therein lies the problem.

She will not follow ... when others are rude. She will not stay silent when others are hurt. She will not retaliate when others are cruel.

And this ... the fact alone that she has not until yesterday ever resorted to the other side's tactics ... has marked her, ostracized her, determined her often "outcast" status.

Yesterday, when being reprimanded by a school mate that she was not allowed to talk alone with another girl, when she was told that the other girl wanted to play with the person she was talking to and therefore needed to remove herself ... Stefani "exploded" ... not much of an explosion by this world's standards. But Stefani described it as an explosion and she felt shame. Shame for what you ask ... shamed that she uttered the words, "I don't think I want to be your friend anymore."

No big deal, right? Just school yard dramas which will be forgotten someday ...

I don't think so ... what happened next is the girl in question, the one trying so hard to dictate to Stefani what she should do and how to do it and when she can be friends with people and when she can't ... the leader of the pack who has been doing this for more than 2 years now ... this young girl went and complained to her teacher about how Stefani had hurt her feelings.

Enter a teacher who listened to one side of the story ... made Stefani miss a recess and reprimanded her for losing her cool, hurting someone's feelings ...

Stefani ... did not stand up for herself ... her own ideals dictated that losing her cool and saying mean things was wrong regardless of the situation ... and she listened and nodded and agreed to "be nicer" ...

So today ... I faced the Principal ... not expecting a whole lot to be done ... but if nothing else to have the record set straight that Stefani TOO has a right to say "no more" ... to stick up for herself ... and that as adults we need to ensure that we understand the context before we single out and pass judgement ...

For that teacher yesterday ... told a gentle kind girl that it was okay that others bullied and made life difficult ... but that she needed to be nicer ...

Made a "victim" responsible ...

Can you hear my anger and frustration behind these words? It's not trivial school yard dramas that are soon forgotten ...

these are dogs eating dogs eating dogs ... and personalities and self esteems being built and shattered and broken ...

Whoever said it was easy ...

... should be shot!

There are times like this ... when the troubles and worries and uncertainties and insecurities and baggage come to the forefront to lay havoc in their wake. Perhaps it's a rite of the seasons ... our very own shedding of leaves ...

... a cleansing of sorts.

Over the years ... (could this be what wisdom sounds like) ... I've learned to let the seasons have their way and their whims ... for to all there is reason (or at least a rhyme).

... troubles and worries will fall like leaves ... and scatter about ... fly through the winds that howl and blow on the coldest of Autumn nights ...

... to be raked up into piles and discarded.

... soon enough the beauty beneath the foliage, that which is hidden in the brilliance of summer ... grasps our attention and we see the naked branches like arms held out to the sky ...

and all is right with the world once again as we prepare for the restoring sleep of winter's keep.

when the pieces just don't fit ...

... there are days when the pieces just don't fit ... no matter how much you prod, urge, cajole, explain, attempt, push, pull, analyse ...
... these are the days you wish you could just pull the covers back over your head and sleep through to the sound of the alarm clock on tomorrow's morning ...

Days when a peek at the alarm clock through half ajar eyelids show the same time as every morning ... and yet the same movements, routines, motions ... find you scrambling with less time to go scurrying out the door. Did the seconds simply get faster? ... or was I simply slower?

Days when the "norm" just doesn't seem to fit within what has always been the comfortable order of the day ... when words said just don't ring right come out right ... where comprehension is slowed skewed weirded.

Days when explanations drone on and on and on ... seemingly coherent and logical and based in truth and agreed upon facts ... to end in misunderstandings, rebuttals, refuttals, mixed messages, inanities, insanities.

Days when you know you're damned if you do ... and doubly damned if you don't ... and the end result is exactly the same whichever path you take.

Days when the entire day speaks and breathes of discord ...

Is it me? Is it you? Is it them? ... or is simply something in the water?

Stefani's Dreams

Wow! To be 8 again! But I guess I don't need to be 8 again because I live somewhat vicariously through Stef ... in a good way of course. So she dreams and works and plays and wishes and hopes and wants to be an actress singer in the "biz" more than anything in the world ... and there's one chance in a million that her dreams will come true ... but her attitude is - who cares, I'm going to try and I'm going to have fun when I'm trying and that's that.

Imagine what this world would be ... if we all had that attitude, that belief, that ability to not try to control, manipulate and just set a goal and work in that direction?

Anyways ... this weekend she got to meet Adrian from The Suite Life of Zach and Cody ... and for those of you who have no children this means nothing ... and for us ... well my goodness, the actors on that show are Disney gods. She was lucky enough to have enchanted Adrian for a few moments and he gave her a Suite Life working script (autographed of course) ... I think he gave out 4 or 5 of these ...

She's on cloud nine ...

At 8 she still savours the little things, the stops along the way ... she instinctively knows that it's the journey that matters ...

Perspective

So I survived the meeting of the minds of the charitable organization for which I work ... put 10 business managers from across the country in one room, add active members (volunteers) who know little about the daily operational issues of running the very business they strive to represent, a charming and oh so pleasant dysfunctional board (is that a prerequisite of every board?), a few staff members attempting to move forward change ... and you've got a powder keg threatening to blow at any second.

At one point, I did turn to a colleague and said, "I should have filed for the television rights ... this would make one successful reality show" ... it had everything: drama, soap box grand-standing, passive aggressive plottings and plannings, slurs, innuendos, nail-biting suspense, opposition, schemes, dreams ... tears, laughter ...

So it's business as usual ... and we'll see what happens. I was the "golden girl" ... but apparently the honeymoon phase in this organization is always this way ... we'll see how long it lasts ... can I make it last longer than others? Will it last long enough for me to meet my mandate? Stay tuned ... (or at least tune in later for further updates) ...

I guess the reason I'm even sitting down to write about this weekend at all ... is that it held a certain truth that went far beyond the weekend itself ... it spoke to me of representing life and society in a simple way ... everyone speaking and acknowledging that they are working for the same purpose while clearly taking steps that are not ... cross purposes. Are people that blind? Are people that sure that others can't see for themselves what they are really doing?

Do I care? Should I care?

I realized over lunch with my boss (whom I've been know to call many a name) and another staff member ... that I had subtly let myself be influenced by some of the descriptions and opinions of others ... and that when I thought I was seeing his actions from an open mind-set ... my open mind-set had already been coloured by those comments and suggestions and innuendos.

And so I sat at lunch ... and took the time to get the know the person behind or should I say inside the blue pin-stripe suit ... a dreamer, an artist, a gentle, gentle soul ... a musician with something to say ... actually a songwriter ... an aspiring writer penning the great Canadian novel ... a visual artist ... a peer of my generation (god he looks at least 10 years younger ... his secret? no wife ... no kids ...) ...

Puts things in perspective ...

and so it goes ...

Another crazy few days are looming ahead ... just thinking about them makes me tired ... oh well such is the life I've chosen and I do love it ... really I do.

So in short the itinerary goes something like this:
1) Today ... finish 3 powerpoint presentations for weekend AGM ... take Stef to workshop downtown ... arrange for Mel to take Stef downtown tomorrow night and on Saturday afternoon ... pick up digital projector for AGM
2) Friday ... 9 am to 9 pm AGM
3) Saturday ... 9 am to 6 pm AGM "debates" ... okay so they call them discussions ... but in this company debates or screaming matches might be more appropriate
4) Sunday ... 9 am to noon ... more AGM stuff ... and then off to Wasaga Beach to help empty Helen's house as it's been sold ...

Just another week in the saga of our lives ... surely can't complain about boredom.

Overtired

Cycles ... life is all about cycles ...
Life ... death ... rebirth ... menstrual ... menopausal ... ... seconds, minutes, hours, turning to days turning to weeks to months to years ... all in the cycling of the clocks' hands around the circle of time ... over and over and over again the hands turn ... tick, tick, tick ...
A journey towards the ultimate game buzzer of them all ... "time's up" ...

But I digress, I came here to talk about cycles ... some people cycle according to their menstrual cycle, others the moon ...
I cycle the Energizer Bunny route ...

I recharge the batteries ... and wind the wind-up key .... and start ... and I'm going and I'm doing and I'm doing more and more and still more ... and somewhere along the way the very much turns to much and then a lot a lot and then some ... and then slowly the wind-up key slows down ... as I wind down ...

Time to recharge the batteries ...

It'll be time enough to wind the wind-up key tomorrow ...

Turkey day ...

... or turkitty day as we ended up calling Thanksgiving (which was yesterday for those who may not know) since Mel has adopted two new kittens - Newton and Einstein. And naturally the smells of turkey, extra feet, extra arms to be held in ... had the little balls of fluff in kitty heaven.

There's Einstein checking out the view from atop Mel's fridge!

Jen (Nic's best friend) came over ... it was the first time any of us had seen her since Nic left for France ... and speaking of Nic and France ... here's a picture of her and Benjamin (her "charge" as they would say in France ... well, one of the two)

... and while I'm at it ... here's another ... Benjamin and Naomi ... both "charges" together ...

So all in all in was a great turkitty day ... good food, family, laughter ... and we knew that Nic and Will and Ashley were with us in spirit ...

I am blessed ...

Life as a Tourist

... been working on saying "hello" to myself again through fun self-improvement games such as the 101 things to do in 1001 days ... in working on #11. Write my personal manifesto of beliefs ... I've come to the understanding that I want to live the rest of my life as though I were a tourist in this life of mine ...

... the kind of tourist I am when I go somewhere new ... excited, eager to see and do everything, touch everything, feel everything ... appreciate, examine, experience, explore, discover ... savour, enjoy ... in wide-eyed wonder ...

... sounds good to me, how about you?

stolen moments ...

It's been a whirlwind ... and this blog place became a whirlish hell as well. There I was wanting to maintain my self-made resolution to write something as close to everyday as possible ... to delve into the little issues, to vent, to meander through thoughts, feelings, circumstances ...

and as I sit here, with my cup of coffee by my side, savouring the early morning hours while the rest of the house still sleeps ... seeing the whirlwind of Saturday's necessary comings and goings looming ever closer as the hands of the clock keep ticking time away ... I can't help but wonder if I really want this place to be "bastardized" by hurried ramblings depicting the chaos of a particular day or week ... or do I want it to be a place to come to when I really have something to say.

It's all a moot point really ... because this is a journal, isn't it? ... and naturally it's going to reflect the moods of the day, the calm or whirls of any particular time period ... and isn't this posting kinda' my own navel lint pondering ... turning a non-issue into an issue ... because the body is tired and the mind is tired ... so why not give myself the illusion of actually tackling something worth discussing ... making a mountain out of a piece of belly button lint ...

So a quick recap of today to get to the reality snapshot of today ... was up at 6:30 AM when Carol (sister-in-law) came to the door ... I volunteered to drive her to Dave's firestation this morning so they could set off on their journey to Sudbury from there (it's closer to the 401) ... Tim and Carrie get married today ... weatherman promises sunshine and warm fall weather to bless their celebration. Stefani has a call-back from her audition last week ... so we've got to be downtown by 1:30 PM ... should be home by 5 PM and I should stop for groceries on the way home (we'll see if that happens as I absolutely detest grocery shopping!! To tell you the truth, if there wasn't such a surcharge on ordering electronically and having it delivered ... I would take the route, no questions asked ... even factoring in all the electronic and human error that would come into the picture ... might even be fun to see the "mistakes" made ... huh? cow tongue? ... what am I supposed to do with a cow's tongue?) ... then I've got more work to do on the presentations I'll be giving next week at the AGM ... and I want to catch up on writing half done and neglected ... and I was also thinking about sprucing up the kitchen with a fresh coat of paint (Faded mint is the colour of choice) ...

a glutton for punishment, I am, I am ... but then when I don't have enough to do ... I get outta sorts and grumpy and grumbly ... and I don't like being that way ... so this is ultimately the way I like to be ... the happiest me I can be for me ... I guess I like my self-prescribed chaos ...

and I can sit there in the midst of it all ... peaceful ... from within the eye of the hurricane.

and can you believe it? ... more feasibilities ...

So the hectic whirlwind continues ...
barely made it to the airport on Wednesday morning ... arrived in Quebec City on time ... couldn't find a taxi (what?? don't all cabbies hang around airports? how else is someone to get into town? walk? with a laptop, a bag, a purse, unsuitable shoes and no idea what direction to take??)
The conference was educational and definitely worth my while ... who'd have thought that there were that many facets to "Leisure" (as in recreation, sports, etc) ?
Spent the just right amount of time with Mom ... polished off a bottle of wine with my brother (who's now completely grey and he's younger than me!) ...
... and so I landed back in Toronto today ... made it home by 1 PM ... actually debated taking a nap but something drew me to the computer and my email. Should have listened to my first impulse ... because I ended up having to finish another version of one of the feasibilites I'd thought I'd finished earlier this week ...
... it's now almost 7 PM ... and I'm just settling in ...

and more feasibility studies ...

... so the first draft of a completed study - fundraising has seen the light of day ... how many hours have I been working ... is it Saturday, Sunday? ... yipes ... it's Tuesday. (and you think I jest) ...

soo ... off to bed for some shut eye ... tomorrow Quebec City ... which means my mom and Gary ... back Friday morning.

feasibility studies ...

that's what today was made of ...
a study of corporate sponsorship possibilities for a new sport (well not really new just not well known in this part of the world) ... another study of assessments of the viability of a capital fundraising campaign ... and finally, the study of the feasibility of doing two days work in one sunday ...
it's actually all feasible ... hooray!

burning up the telephone lines ...

Ever had one of those days ... when no matter what you had planned to do ... the day just has a mind of its own? Well I'm having one of those ... arrrggghhh.

So the day actually dawned bright and sunny ... a slight fallish nip greeted me as I stepped out onto the back deck to sip at my morning's coffee. That was at 7:15 am. Just Peanut Butter and I surveying the latest leaf droppings upon the still surface of the pool ... the birds on the high wires to the right over the field flocking together, sitting there twittering excitedly about their upcoming trip down south ...

And as with most mornings, as I sip and look and listen ... I sat and listened to the rumblings and the grumblings of this aging body ... today I noted a slight ache behind my shoulder blades ... too much Pilates? or just a reminder that each day brings some new twinge or ache or reminder?

whatever ... that's not what I came here to vent about ... it's how the rest of this first half of the day so well planned last night has just unravelled ... into a twisted skein of yarn at my feet. And though I'm annoyed and upset and frusterated (so much more emphatic than frustrated) ... I can't help but laugh ...

... at the best laid plans of mice and men ...

so Kyla had her crisis at work caught between two bosses ... one a wimp the other a bitch ... and her own inability to keep her mouth shut and watch what she says and promises and divulges and ... her tendancy to say that she understands when she doesn't and move forward without thinking and then slip and fall and not remember what actually happened or how it happened ... and then ... throws her hands up in the air and screams HELP ... but unable to truly explain what she needs help for ... and oops she has to leave right now or she'll be late for work #1 ...

... that brought the clock to about 8:30 am ...

did I tell you that I had planned my morning to ensure that I finished the one-page summary documents of the two independent feasibility studies done for the organization I work for ... to send to CEO for commentary and changes and edits prior to Monday morning ... so that he could then look good Monday afternoon sending out all this written effort backing up his miraculous capacity improvement plan and prevent his impeachment? ... oh well, that's another story ... for another time I'm sure ...

and then Jonathan prepares to leave the house for a trial day as a store merchandiser ... a job to help him feel useful and capable and able again ... and he needed some extra tending, approbation and other "tion" ending words ...

and then the clock neared 9:00 am and the two sleeping beauties awoke ... Dave and Stef ... one groggy and subdued and other bouncing about as if on a giant spring ... breakfast, details, hugs, stories and tellings and plans and sync-ing of watches and schedules ...

and then the phone rang ... now 9:15 am and Maija has the chicken pox and is restless and won't stop talking about Stefani ... so can Maija accompany Ginga and Stefani and along with her mommy come for the ride downtown for Stefani's audition at 3:00 PM ...

9:30 am ... and a couple of words get written on summary report #1 ... as I wonder if he (CEO) is going to turn around and expect the full-fledged documents to be ready in edited form on Monday ... and is that even something I can possibly achieve ... oh my, oh me ... maybe it's time for another walk around the back yard with Peanut Butter ...

but before that can happen ... 9:41 am ... the phone rings and it's sister-in-law #1, Carol and she needs a break from all the post-funeral, splitting up the household drama and exploding minefields and pitholes of power struggles between brother #1, Mike and sisters #2 and #3 ...

so I listen and make soothing noises ... as she tells me tales of sister #2 suing her #1 son ... and sister #2 "stealing" bed room sets and food processors and brother #1 not wanting to share the details of the will ... and he's the executor ... and she just wants to jump off a bridge ... or can she come over?

10:41 am ... sorry ... maybe tomorrow ... okay ... now Dave leaves to promote and sell cars and such (side-line jobs beyond fighting fires and saving lives) ... and Stefani is chatting with Jessica her friend on the front porch looking for a way to make the morning go away so that the afternoon will be here and she can do what she loves ...

10:45 am ... the phone rings and it's Jonathan ... mom I don't know if I can do this ... yes you can ... why don't you talk to your supervisor ... and the fear builds up within me as I wonder, are we headed there again?

11:00 ... back to the words on the screen and a quick run downstairs to throw laundry in and take laundry out ... fold, put away ... clean the kitchen, the living room, tidy up beds and bathrooms and floors ...


noon ... an apple snatched from the bowl ... okay let's try again and get some work-work done ...


sit myself down, look at the screen, the words before me ... telephone again ... this time it's sister-in-law #3, Deborah ... poor me, I miss my mom so ... my siblings are all idiots ... I hate them all, don't you hate them all, how can you not hate them all ... did I tell you my daughter called the cops on me last night ... I think she's taking drugs ... but I'm not sure ... what would you think if you found syringes under her bed ... she says she just wanted to try drawing blood to find out whether she could do it or not ... it could be that, couldn't it?


at this point I'm ready to scream ...!!

It's 12:45 ... the time is ticking ... and now I'm here ... letting the air of the scream, out of the unravelled plans ... somewhere other than my head. Maybe I'll get an hour of work done before Maija and Melanie arrive ... and then Maija, Melanie, Stefani and I head downtown ... and hopefully I'll be able to give them my full attention and not just think about that page, that screen that at 5 PM upon my return will still only have 197 written words ...

(oh and now it's about 1:27 pm ... Jonathan came home and is confused, Kyla called for more explanations and confirmations and affirmations ... and Dave just walked in the door ... sheesh ... just another day at the zoo)

tick tock ... and the mouse ran up the clock ...

101 Things to do in 1001 Days

So … I double-dare me to accept the challenge … to complete 101 tasks in a period of 1001 days.
If you're interested ... visit the home of the 101 things to do in 1001 days project.

My Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days. Tasks must be specific (non-ambiguous) with a measurable or clearly defined result … as well as be realistic and a hefty percentage of which can’t be realized in the space of a day or with too much ease.

Start: October 1, 2008

Completion Date: June 29, 2011

Personal / self-improvement
1. Take at least one photograph every day of the 1001 days. (o/1001)
2. Write at least one piece and submit to a writing contest per year. (0/4)
3. Write a minimum of 100 pages of a novel.
4.Compile the lyrics of 100 favorite songs. Make them into a spiral-bound book.
5. Experiment with cooking by trying two new dishes a month. (0/66)
6.Learn 50 new words and use them. (3/50)
7.Print my favorite 100 digital pictures printed and assemble them in an album or albums.
8. Plan every meal for two full weeks and follow-through.
9. Make a list of 101 things that bring me pleasure. Display it. Remember. (completed October 11, 2008)
10. Avoid being sarcastic or biting for a full twenty-four hours per month. (if that is possible, do it again). (0/33)
11. Write my personal manifesto of belief.
12. Really try to get a magazine article published.
13. Read 10 books of non-fiction (biographies are allowed).
14. Make my own Christmas cards.
15. Give a sincere compliment to one person a day for 5 consecutive days (must be a different person each time).
16. Participate in three consecutive Sunday Scribblings per year.(0/12)
17. Document a “day in the life” with photos.
18. Go see an author read from his or her work.
19. Buy a coloring book and color every picture.
20. Organize quotes I love into a quote book. Add at least one a week. (0/143)
21. Watch all the available seasons of Boston Legal.
22. Read 150 books. (1/150)
23. Write a children’s book.
24. Put $5 in bottle for each completed task. Donate $10 to charity for every incomplete task.
25. Volunteer 101 hours.
26. Get new glasses.
27. Relearn the piano as I teach Stefani.
28. Mail a secret into PostSecret.
29. Get a passport.
30. Sing karaoke at least once.
31. Buy myself a silver charm bracelet and buy myself six charms to celebrate me.
32. Sell an image to iStock.
33. Fly first class.

Fitness / Health
34. Cleanse or follow a detox regine for 7-10 days.
35. Lose 10 pounds and keep it off for 6 months.
36. Walk every day for at least 30 minutes for one month. (0/31)
37. Purchase a bicycle.
38. Practice yoga every day for a month. (0/31)
39. Do Pilates every day for a month. (0/31)
40. Give up sugar for a week. (0/7)
41. Complete a marathon.
42. Eat breakfast every day for 30 days. (0/30)
43. Get Bronze Medaillon (lifeguard).
44. Visit the dentist regularly. (0/6)
45. Do an advanced set of Pilates 100’s properly.

Cultural / New
46. Buy tickets for the theater (play) and attend.
47. Visit and tour a winery and attend a wine tasting.
48. Have a picnic outside in a park or near a lake, river, stream.
49. Visit the AGO and really look at every exhibit.
50. Visit the ROM and really look at every exhibit.
51. Visit 5 new places. (0/5)

Fun
52. Fly a kite.
53. Ride a horse.
54. Stay overnight at a bed and breakfast.
55. Dress up for Halloween.
56. Play golf or hit balls at the range at least once a week weather permitting.
57. Build a snowman by myself.
58. Canoe on a river.
59. Sleep outside; in a tent or under the stars.
60. Take a girls get-a-way with all my beautiful daughters.
61. Attend a comedy show or comedy hour.
62. Take a ride in a hot-air balloon.
63. Go to a PGA event.
64. Go Christmas carolling.
65. Attend a murder mystery party/dinner.
66. Buy sexy underwear for me.
67. Go to 4 live concerts. (0/4)
68. Make love somewhere unusual.
69. Climb a mountain.
70. Dance in the moonlight.

Giving spirit
71. Make a recipe book of tried-and-true and family favorites. Make copies and give to the kids.
72. Donate or toss 101 items. (0/101)
73. Donate 50,000 grains of rice through freerice.com (3,240/50,000)
74. Donate to 4 charities. (0/4)
75. Adopt a family for Christmas.

Financial / Savings
76. Put $50 a week into savings or a cookie jar. (0/$7,050)
77. Have 250 “no spending” days. (0/250)

Work / Business
78. Get personal business cards made up.
79. Write and complete an entire To-Do List for 10 To-Do-Days. (0/10)
80. Work two simultaneous consultant projects.
81. Market myself as a non-profit, development/sponsorship consultant.
82. Get CPR certified.
83. For one work day a month, do nothing but work all work-day. (0/33)

House / Home / Family
84. Buy a piece of original art for the wall.
85. Bake puulla four times. (0/4)
86. Set up indoor or outdoor herb garden for fresh herbs all year long.
87. Surprise my husband once a week. (0/143)
88. Go sledding with Stefani.
89. Go to a pumpkin farm.
90. Make fondue.
91. Keep the car clean inside and out for a whole month. (0/30)
92. Go on a waterside family vacation.
93. Go on a camping trip.
94. Go on a golfing vacation with Dave somewhere warm.
95. Dance with Dave twice a year. (0/8)
96. Prepare nice Sunday dinner every week. (1/143)
97. Have a backyard perennial garden.
98. Clean the basement and laundry room.
99. Get a family portrait taken.
100. Paint and fix up bedroom.
101. Write a “to be read” letter for Dave and kids. **

** Start another 101 things …

Wordless Wednesday

right back at cha'

Wordless Wednesday

and visions of sugar plums ...

Don't know exactly why ... may have been that my playlist shuffled and sweet, young, angelic looking Kalan Porter singing "Beauty" filled my ears (definition of sweet, young, angelic = longish, curlish blonde hair, blue eyes and barely past his teens) ... and "whoosh" I was back at high school ...

I can see the scratched, dinged and dented grey lockers lining the walls ... the checkered linoleum floors ... the windows above the cafeteria covered in fingerprints, circles of fogged breath ... see the principal shuffling her papers on her desk (wonder if she was really this busy or just moving papers to give the illusion to engrain upon young minds the picture of authority) ... the halls are filled with bell-bottoms, tight jeans, shaggy hair ... the nerds, the cool ones, those that cross-over the clique lines, the school hero, Roy and his queen, Nicole ... the tramps, the scamps, the druggies, froggies, the lost, the found ... the pretenders, the contenders, the offenders ...

the smell of pen, papers, book bags, rotting lunches in corners of crowded lockers, laughter, fear, intolerance, indifference, yearnings of acceptance ... the smell of after gym sweat, pre-exam nerves and jitters, flirtations and ignorations ...

so what am I doing in the hallways of Saguenay Valley High School? ... a trip through time, standing there ... a ghostlike form with students walking through me around me ... and I spot him ... the memory that brought me here today ...

will he look the same through these time-jaded, wiser, more experienced eyes?

tall and lanky ... blue jeans and jean jacket ... not too old, nor too new ... and yet not faded except maybe at the seams which only a dozen washings could fashion ... a dark blue t-shirt beneath the unbuttoned buttons of the jacket ... a blonde head above the crowd ... the bluest of eyes shielded beneath the longest of lashes ... pale but not sickly ... quiet, aloof, apart ... beyond it all ...

not arrogant ... not really there ... somewhere else ... dreamy but not in a dreamy kind of way that reached the eyes ...

David Vick ... where are you now? ... where were you then?

his brother the superhero of the school ... the coolest of the cool ... the one who walked hand in hand with the queen .... queens ...

and David ... somewhat shadowed ... not wanting to be found ... a silly grin upon his face at times, struggling for passing grades ... not always the smartest, never the loudest, never in any crowd but part of all ...

a shadow .. that flitted here and there ...

he was so cute ... so tall ... so blonde .. so beautiful ... and so unattainable, so unreachable ...

I was drawn like a moth to a flame ... and played games in circles and spirals ... hey look at me, talk to me, touch me, be something, say something ...

I visited him in at his residence (which was at a college residence building ... I think his parents were far away and apart and he'd been placed here ... he didn't protest, didn't contest, just was ...) in the summer ... laughed and giggled ... walked and talked (of what I'm not sure) ... he knocked at my door 45 miles away and we spent time ... I met his grandmother ... and his mother showed up at his brother's graduation wearing the same dress as Carolyn, a graduate ... his father was big and large and larger than life ...

... and he had a string of mes ... others who were drawn to him in the same way ... and we all cajoled and teased and flitted and fluttered ... but I wonder now ...

his grin used to brighten a hallway, a moment ... a span of time ... I can feel his arms around me when we slow danced as friends at one of those friday night dances ...

... stealing glances ...

innuendos, teen age hearts and dramas and dioramas ...

where did you go? what did you do? who won your heart? who are you?

... do you ever give a thought to us ... those butterflies who danced in your cool flames ... do you ever wonder where, how, why, what are they doing now?

and how is that you don't even show up in a google search ... your brother does as does Carolyn, and Cheryl and Kathy and Wendy ... and me ...

and I guess all I really want to know ... is what did you finally decide to become?

because all that these older eyes have seen while looking back is that those eyes of yours simply mirrored ... certainly didn't let any of us in ... neither kind nor mean nor loving nor hateful ... simply indifferent ... amused at the flitterings and twitterings ...

a cool pale shadow that had yet to decide what it wanted to be. As I said ... what did you choose to be?

Catch Up

If days had titles ... that would be today's.

Catch up with Melanie who spent the last three days in New York City ... visiting the Museum of Modern Art, the Guggenheim, sitting in the middle of Time Square, walking the Brooklyn Bridge with her friend, Amy ... a break from everyday life to replenish

Catch up with Maija who said good morning and asked if Ginga would cut her hair

Catch up with Nicole who has story upon story ... of French baguettes, professors and Russian ex-patriates and stolen kisses and soap-opera-like dramas because humans so prefer lies to truth

Catch up with Jonathan who just wanted to be around today ... washed Peanut Butter who'd decided that a roll in some doggie doodoo would be a fine thing to do on a chilly fallish afternoon ... ate macaroons and banana chips (now there's a combo) while exchanging witticisms and folded clothes while making wagers on the average number of folds

Catch up with Kyla who's working her first night shift ever and is a little hesitant ... guess she's still somewhat afraid of the dark ... and we stole an hour out of the day and haunted the aisles of Value Village looking for good Halloween costume ideas

Catch up with work ... working on a stunning feasibility report that will blow socks off and have them pushing and shoving in the aisles to sign up ... prepare for the World Leisure Congress in Quebec City and debate whether to stay at mom's or not

Catch up with laundry ... it breeds over night I swear

Catch up with Dave who's finally feeling better ... and eating regular food again and humming off tune ... going over the coming week's have to's and should's and commitments and bills and things

Catch up with my thoughts ... and the story that is unfolding in my head

dreams ...

and my adorable one ... who wants to be an actress and a star and a singer ... and entertain the world ...
my adorable one ... who writes songs in her mind when she's falling asleep and sings them to herself and all who will listen ...
my adorable one ... who doesn't quite fit in ... who won't fight ... gets bullied and bitten and simply turns the other cheek and extends another olive branch from her never-ending supply ...

that adorable one ... who sang at a shopping mall in front of thousands of pairs of eyes ... accapella mind you, because her music couldn't be read by the computer there ... with more bravery and courage and guts and passion than those who could maybe sing better or clearer but not purer ...

that adorable one ... who still believes in dreams and wishing on stars and never quitting and knowing that anything is possible if you want it enough, if you work hard enough, if you try hard enough ...

that adorable one ... walked into an open call audition yesterday with 1,000 (yes 1,000) others ... and admired the beautiful ones, the talented ones, the perfect and the not so perfect ones ...

and calmed her shivers and shakes ... and took a deep breath ... and presented herself ... not someone else ... "just me" - she said ...

and today the call came ...

and now there is three ... and my adorable one is one of those ...


And she may not be the one chosen ... but she was chosen anyway. The development contract is waiting for us ... no fee!! I'm taken aback ... having believed that perhaps I saw her through biased eyes and that others could not see what I saw ...

Someone did ... and she's so happy ... and therefore so am I.

Pink Louie ...

don't know why he called them that - Pink Louie. (he being Bronislaus, or Jaja, as the kids and I called him ... father of John ... grand-father to the brood)

Pink Louie was none other than Pink Floyd ... the Pink Floyd of floating pigs, another brick on the wall and the dark side of the moon ...

It would make me laugh, not always nicely, not always politely ... at the repeated slips of an aging man. At first I never noticed anything but the incorrect name ... over time I noted the harsher tone, the spitting out of the words as though the mere taste of them was nasty ... and only near the end did I notice the pause, the catching of his breath before the harsh spit sounds of Pink Louie.

Assumptions ... I assumed he preferred the polkas that played on that radio station from Franconia Notch on Sunday mornings to the strident, plaintiff sounds of youth. I assumed that he held the same disdain for all bands that played "that ungodly noise" that wasn't music to his ears ... I assumed it was an age thing.

John was my husband ... a kind, most intelligent, happy man ... a gc (that's general contractor for those who aren't up on their abbreviations) ... an MIT drop-out ... a Lacoste Polo shirt and Levi 501 jeans wearing kind of man. He built things ... beautiful homes, full of windows and skylights. He loved clams and spaghetti. He loved the children ... with hugs, by teaching, by playing, by laughing. We fished, we boated, we ice-fished, we skated, we built things, we painted rocks ... you get the picture I'm sure ...

Something happened ... I'm not quite sure what ... but Pink Louie started playing in his black Ford pick-up truck ... Dark Side of the Moon ... and then The Wall. The music started following him into the house, onto the boat ... Pink Louie permeated his life ... and his conversations were soon peppered with facts about Roger Waters ...

At first it was fine ... and then it was not ... and my stomach knotted and my mind knotted as they tried to pinpoint from where the unease sprang from ...

John's mind split open ... spiders and snakes ... terrors in dreams ... hospitalization, institutions and meds ...

It was never the same again ... he was but a shadow of himself ... tuned in to Pink Floyd's deeper meanings that were meant just for him ...

Bronislaus (Jaja) had heard it coming ...

We started another life the kids and I ... and then another ... and John? Well John stayed behind in a world of walls and flying pigs and the dark side of the moon ... and we left Pink Louie behind.

I used to love Pink Floyd ... after John not so much ... but I could still quiet my anxiety and enjoy if a song or two found themselves drifting to my ears. I never consciously chose to listen (I actually rid myself of each and every album, cassette and CD that I owned) ...

Pink Louie ... Pink Floyd simply became another brick in the wall of my life story ...

until ...

the strains of "another brick on the wall" echoed through the house ... seeping through the floorboards assaulting my ears. The hair stood up on the nape of my neck, goose bumps the size of ostrich eggs rose on my arms as I sat up straight in bed in one staccato movement ...

here? how? who?

but I knew ... Jonathan ... son of John ... my gentle, confused, so intelligent, quiet J ... listening to Pink (spit) Louie ...

History ...

History ...
as defined:
the aggregate of past events; "a critical time in the school's history"
a record or narrative description of past events; "a history of France";
the discipline that records and interprets past events involving human beings; "he teaches Medieval history"; "history takes the long view"
the continuum of events occurring in succession leading from the past to the present and even into the future; "all of human history"
all that is remembered of the past as preserved in writing; a body of knowledge; "the dawn of recorded history"; "from the beginning of history"

History ... from Erik the Red, Alexander the Great, through Henry VIII and John Lennon ...
and as well Queen Isabella, the two Boleyns, through Marilyn Monroe and Margaret Thatcher...

His Story ... his tory ... history ... the story of the events that preceded our arrival ... a predominantly male view point, as more males could read and write and scribe and record for all posterity ...

Makes sense that it's not herstory ... because hers was more often than not not to tell ...

Daily Horoscope

You're not at all sure of what's going on -- and even more unsure about wanting to know the truth. This is a time of confusion, but if you refuse to be stressed about it, the truth of the matter will come to you. In the meantime, keep a journal -- and keep wondering ...

... today's predictions ...

Wordless Wednesday

Shadows

Wordless Wednesday

The Thirteenth Tale

Stayed up far too late last night as I was swept away within the pages of the latest book that I'm reading - The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. A story so well written that when I open its covers, it beckons me to jump right in and join the cast of characters at Angelfield ...

Its a book about the love of books and reading and magical storytelling about a storyteller ... could it get any better? Though I haven't finished yet ... I have another evening's worth of getting to know Margaret and Vida ... I'm at that point where I'm tempted to slow my pace so that the adventure doesn't end ... know what I mean?