Messages in bottles ...

Some people blog for interaction of one kind or another with others. Others lean more towards an interaction with self. I’m sure I’m not the only one who blogs for some inner, deep, not necessarily dark reason … the words written in a message in a bottle for themselves (and any other explorers inquisitive enough to read) … so that they may remember … or ponder … or state for posterity … or if nothing else, for release … the words, events, feelings, absence of feelings, reporting, ventings set free into the seas to be found again later on another shore.

I do not wish to be found (outside of those few I have pointed in my direction) … more often than not I wish to find me … for far too much of the time I am lost, often times buried, some times smothering under the burden of chores, responsibilities, schedules and duties. Don’t get me wrong … these chores, responsibilities, schedules and duties are of my own choosing … but as with everything in life … even these things that I have chosen and adore … have their flip side. Blogging helps me find myself under all the lists, tasks and responsibilities … that’s when I take the time to write. When I simply upload a picture or scribble a line or few … it’s like a reminder that I still exist – separate from everything else. And in some ways a promise to myself that I will return to myself when the weather permits …

At the moment, my balancing act could take some adjusting. But I remain confident and hopeful that the pendulum will swing the other way soon enough and I will embrace the respite and the comfort of words and feelings and me when it does.

My choice in life is and has been to be a mother … and as it is in pregnancy when a mother’s body gives life and nourishment to a growing child … my life’s purpose has been to assist in the life, nourishment and growth of my children … sometimes at the expense of my own. It is a life that I love and respect and celebrate!

Yet … I realize that I must continue growing and thriving … if for no other reason than to be able to remain on the path I have chosen … to do the “job” I have chosen as well as I possibly can. The sheer existance of this blog … and a special follower … is a daily reminder that I must be as well. Being doesn’t necessarily come easy to me.

Too often I hide in the details … let myself become over absorbed in the most recent “project” … and it takes a concerted effort to pull my head out of the sand and force myself to look around.

A special friend of mine has the inner timing to gently nudge me when my head finds it way six feet or under … leaves a comment or two somewhere on my blog that fires up my grey cells and has me righting my head … with a giggle or a few. Thank you friend!

And so … I find myself here today … scribbling far more words than I have in the last two or three months. Not really caring whether the words are fit to be read by another … not worrying whether the prose is beautiful and deep. But as a wake-up call … as a reminder to me for me … as a thank you … and as the beginning of an answer …

What do I feel through my eyes …? … now that’s a whole other story ….