A long time coming ...

once again I seem to have fallen asleep at the wheel ... and let a week or so pass without a word or two or three. I don't think it's that I'm that busy ... just that mentally tired at times. Or I've convinced myself that I'm too tired, and accept the excuse without thinking twice ... and voila ... time flashes by in the blink of an eye!

okay time to wake up ... and shake things up a bit!

Holiday hangover

A holiday without a crisis? Impossible.

Maybe it's the sheer number of people in the family ... or then again, maybe we're just wired that way.

A crisis is like climbing a mountain ... events snowballing up one side, stopping at the top to explode and for one second give a view of both sides ... and then barreling down the other side.

All that action, once over and done ... leaves us spent and awash in anti-climax.

And usually results in something akin to an emotional hangover the next day.

Pet Peeve of the Day

... know what really gets me upset?

... dog boogers on the windows!!

Not a rock to be found

Suburbs give you the illusion of not being city-dwelling folk. Why there are trees and grassy knolls, parks and playgrounds ... seemingly open spaces. How can that be city living?

Ahhh ... but it's all an illusion for there's not a rock to be found!

Stefani's class is studying rock formations. Her homework assignment was to bring a rock to school.

"That should be easy," I said without thinking. So out the door we went and into the open field ... and walked along the shores of this tiny creek ... well that might be exaggerating somewhat ... so let's call it a creeklet.

Sure there were big slabs of granite ... bedrock ... but as for rocks or stones ... nothing but erosion polished bricks and cement globs leftover from some construction project. Pebbles - sure. But not a rock to be found!

So after 30 minutes of fruitless but adventurous searching (Stefani did get to walk through the muck and splash in the creeklet with her galoshes) ... I tried to think of somewhere within a 5 - 10 minute drive from here that might harbour some fist-sized rocks.

Believe it or not ... outside of people's rock gardens ... I couldn't think of any!

That's when our next door neighbour came to the rescue ... and offered up one of their rocks from their garden. Mission accomplished!

You may be wondering how the neighbour had rocks and we couldn't find any? Simple. We live in the suburbs remember? They bought their rocks!

Now that blows my mind!!

Mid-week wonderings

So it's Wednesday ... the week's half done. Or I guess if I use the half-empty, half-full analogy ... the week's still got lots of "oomph" left.

Seems to me there's a lot of focus on getting to the end of the week ... as though a pot of gold lays in wait. Sure, there's pay-checks and a few days respite from the working world. But don't most of us continue to work over the weekend? Whether it be business or house-work or family chores ... there's really no rest for the wicked.

Nevertheless, Friday waves its checkered flag and most of us breath a sigh of relief once we've crossed that finish line. We've mastered another marathon!

That's probably why I've got a soft spot for Wednesday or "hump day ... it's a day where you can stand on its hump and peer ahead and behind ... giving the week a once over. It's like a stop at the control station ... you can adjust as needed ... maybe let up on the productivity a little or adjust the work-play levels ... correct your route if you've strayed a little off path.

I don't know about you ... but that's what I'm up to today.

Catching up

It's been a few days ... let's see what have I been up to?

Stef had a movie shoot ... that went well though it was sooo cold (minus 10 with the windchill) and poor thing had to film in a flimsy dress. But I was there as chief blanket holder ... and the rest of the cast and crew were gracious and great people so it was all fun! Should be an interesting short to see ... as it was filmed in B & W ... and the only color will be the red of her ribbons.

We're off again after school to do some post sound editing on a project she did last November.

Thankfully, her schedule is clear for the next couple of weeks ... and she can focus on other things!

waiting ...

Seems I do an awful lot of waiting ...

waiting for the weather to get warmer ...

waiting for the phone to ring ...

waiting for the water to boil ...

waiting for the world to change ...

Today I'm waiting on all kinds of things ... but mostly waiting for Dave to call or come home. He's getting two cancerous (apparently basal) lesions removed from his forehead.

He already called once to say that the lesions are deeper than anticipated and that he's waiting on the biopsies ... since they may have to cut out even more.

I don't think there's any terrible news awaiting us ... but it's certainly given Dave a scare.

And I, selfishly, just want to stop waiting ...

Cold and loud

It's cold today ... we've been spoiled by the almost 20 degree weather the last week or so ... so it feels even colder, if that's possible.

And if that weren't bad enough ... there's a bulldozer in the lot behind this house demolishing what's left of a house. And that means ... the bulldozer will be followed by the sounds of builders building.

Have you ever noticed how loud progress or change can be?

Fridaze

I've been up for a few hours now ... taking care of business and now updating blogs. I can hear the birds chirping outside ... guess they're getting ready for another beautiful day (which will be three in a row with temperatures above a15 degrees ... Celsius, that is).

Dave's golfing ... Stef's just waking up ... and I've got no idea what today will bring. Guess we'll go with the flow ...

workshop

Stefani went to one of those "celebrity workshops" yesterday ... she was invited so we didn't have to pay the big bucks. Can't remember the guy's name ... but he was the boyfriend on Wizards of Waverly Place.

Usually she doesn't get much out of those workshops ... but something he said clicked ... and "eureka" she can cry on cue. She was doing it all afternoon!!

Going to Fallsview for a March Break overnight with one of her school friends, Victoria. Should be fun!

It's raining ... it's pouring

but there's no "old man" snoring. I could stand in of course, because this is just the kind of day made for hopping back into bed and taking long naps. And I've been told I snore.

It's been a good week ... Mel seems to be as stable as she's been for awhile. J's socializing and maintaining a schedule ...

Dave's week hasn't been all that great ... finally went to have some cancerous spots looked at on his head ... one was removed, the other biopsied. During physical, doctor found protein in his urine ... did more tests and then sent him for an ultra-sound yesterday. I can tell he's worried.

As for me ... I just keep rowing my boat gently down the stream.

Reality check

Sometimes I feel like my life has become so wrapped up in Stefani's dream that I may not be seeing the forest for the trees.

Until recently I could never really understand hockey moms who synched their lives with the arena schedule. Boy do I ever understand now!

Helping Stefani out is like having another job ... manager, coach, stylist, chaperone and driver. Check emails daily, liaise with agent, self-submit, accept offers, refuse others, send thank-you notes, chase after footage, maintain the schedule, practice lines ... Stefani, the actor, is a business I manage.

But I'm also a mother ... to Stef ... and to a handful of others. It's a balancing act that is difficult at times to maintain.

I'm always reminding myself that even when the others ask about Stefani ... I have to tone it down a bit or brush things off ... because they can't help but compare and feel "neglected". I'm sure each of them has wondered why I wasn't committed to the business of them in the same way. Not that any of them really ever wanted to be an actor ... though Nicole did want to be a model ... I even took her to a few agencies ... but she was too short, and still is too short. But try and tell that to raw emotional sibling rivalry.

Blogging has helped because I can toot Stefani's horn or fret and wonder what I should do ... without it upsetting the apple carts around me.

usually

usually I don't want the day to end ... because that means that one more day has passed. Today, I just wish that all the responsibilities would be done with so that I could crawl under the covers, read a chapter or two and then fall into a hopefully restorative sleep.

Stef's over at Victoria's house until 8 pm ... and if I get my wish, I'll be in bed, all snuggled up by 8:15 pm. Ahhhh that'll be soooooo nice.

You know, it's hard for mothers to find time to take care of themselves. It's like Murphy's Law waits for any sign of weakness or fatigue ... and "blammo" everyone else wants or needs something. Melanie needed to talk today, Nicole just barely passed a mid-term, Dave's being a douche-bag (hmmm ... that word makes me feel better) and J had his girlfriend over ... oh yes, and I mustn't forget the hamster that is still on the loose, driving Peanut Butter absolutely crazy!

Tomorrow will be a better day ... it has to!

Good morning!

Just prepared my cup of coffee ... without which the morning wouldn't really start. I've got a large Starbucks transparent mug filled to the brim with delicious caffeine, a sprinkle of sugar and a splash of cream. Yum.

Tiny sips is the secret to truly appreciating my morning coffee. Some days I've made a better cup than others. This morning's is especially tasty. Brings me back to slurping coffee out of a saucer with my Grandpa M ... couldn't have been older than three cause he died before I was four.

It's a sensory memory ... I can taste Gramma M's coffee, hot and creamy. I can feel the bone chain handle in my fingers as well as the saucer. And ... I can hear the slurping sound that Grandpa M had me convinced was necessary to be a real "caffetta" lover. But I don't "see" anything. I don't have to ... this love affair I have with my morning coffee is a taste thing.

Rarely do I have more than one cup ... choosing to sip away at my large mug until there's nothing left which usually is mid-afternoon or later. Seems my addiction, my habit is appeased with that first sip.

Am I a slave to my morning coffee? In some ways I am. If I'm at home, with all the makings of the perfect cup ... I have to have my coffee. If I'm elsewhere, dependent on Timmie's or someone else's brew ... I could take it or leave it. My love of coffee has less to do with coffee as it has to do with recreating that taste, reliving that memory.

Today's cup was just right ... let's hope it' forebodes the rest of the day!

Another day on set

Up at 6 ... out the door by 7:15 ... quick stop at Timmie's for a double-double ... at base camp by 7:45 ... and into hair & makeup for Stef by 8:00.

Filming was a frat house today ... gotta' say that movie depictions are fairly accurate!

Tomorrow should be a wrap on this project ... and perhaps a break for Stef as there's nothing lined up for awhile except for a quick video shoot this week for a "parody" type web-based " project.

Stef's sights are set on a March-break overnight to Fallsview WaterPark with Victoria.

48 Hours

Can't even begin to imagine what this must feel like for a 9 year old!! To use a much over-worked word ... it was "surreal".

Movie was good ... would have been great if the female lead had the same level of talent as the male lead (he was amazing). Stefani's scenes were wonderful ...

I'm kinda' speechless really. It's one thing to be the stage mother sitting in the holding room on set, adjusting mike packs, taking care of little details and reading to pass the time away ... and quite another to see your child on the BIG screen and realize that she's actually good!

Ah yes, yesterday was a glorious day!

Hump Day

Wednesday ... otherwise known as hump day.

The day should go by rather quickly ... Stefani's got that shoot and I've got two new library books - Smash Cut by Sandra Brown and Hide by Lisa Gardner ... yup, you've got it right "junk reads" ... mindless fiction for the masses.

I'm actually still in my pj's ... will get dressed soon enough! Stef's dressed and ready ... chilling out watching some TV.

Have a good one!

Photos & Film

Saw the most amazing sunset yesterday ... but of course, didn't have my camera handy. So I've put the camera in its case with a handful of fresh batteries and I'm not going anywhere without it again. Naturally that doesn't mean I'm going to take pictures every time I see something that's incredibly beauty or raw ... but it certainly ups the odds!

Trying to get things off the "to-do" list today ... Stefani's got a commercial shoot all day tomorrow - a promo for Sheridan College. It'll be her first experience on green screen. Should be fun.

Thursday is the premiere of "48 Hours in Purgatory" ... the screening is being done at SilverCity with a meet n greet prior at Milestones. This will be the first time Stef (or any of us) get to see her on the BIG screen. Mind you, she's only in this movie for a grand total of about 3 minutes ... but still!!

Enough yammering ... time to get some work done!

Snow Flakes

Weekends ... you never really know what they're going to be about. This one was full of surprises ...

Like snow on Friday night ... lots of it ... so a snowlady was born on the front yard ... Mrs. Flake, actually. But today the rain, melted her into a small heap of slushy ice, her discarded mittens, scarf and hat frozen to the ground.

We awoke early this morning (Stefani, Kyla and I) ... Stefani had an audition in Burlington. I promised Nicole and Ali that I would solve their transportation problem and pick Ali up and bring him to Guelph today so that he could escort her to the "prom" / formal. But we had three hours to burn ...

So ... we walked through IKEA and made wish lists ... stopped for 50 cent hot dogs on the way out. Headed to PetSmart where we watched a few really smart dogs being trained.

Back into the car and we headed to Hamilton to pick Ali up ... but not before stopping at Cupcakes to pick up a red velvet cupcake for Nicole and an "N" candle to stick atop the most delicious icing I've ever tasted!

We got to Ali's house ... but he was in the shower ... so Stefani proceeded to create a tiny version of Mrs. Flake for his front stoop.

Off to Guelph. Once there we chatted and watched Nic and her roommates get all dolled up ... enjoying the break from being in the car. An hour or so later, we were back on the road home.

Time for some hamburgers ... a quick change into pj's ... and then snuggles on the couch to watch "Coraline" and "Where the Wild Things Are".

I am Canadian, eh?

It's a wonderful time to be Canadian. Sure we've hosted the Olympics before ... but perhaps we were too young of a country to appreciate that patriotism and pride were not "impolite".

As a Canadian who spent close to 10 years in the good ole US of A ... and witnessed patriotism first hand (heck, my eyes used to water on July 4th at the unified spirit of pride around me) ... Canadian's self-effacing nature was that much clearer in my mind.

It seems we've always been a country ready to say "excuse me" or sit back and let another go first. Well mannered, to say the least.

Maybe the country has grown up ... or maybe the Vancouver Olympics organization has to be commended for sparking a fire in the hearts of all Canadians that goes beyond medals and athletes. The brilliance of a torch relay that started months ago and that touched every small town and large city across Canada was a stroke of genius. We have begun to "believe".

Like oh so many Canadians, we watched the relay ... and then through serendipity found ourselves at a sport arena with an Olympic torch. Stefani was awe-struck ... and so proud to have her picture taken holding a torch that had held the flame.

We're glued to the television set ... watching, cheering ... and swelling with pride. We won't win the most medals ... but our medal winners have heart and soul ... they're pure Canadian!! We don't help our athletes in the same way as other countries ... we can't ... we're too small. 33 million Canadians ... that's practically the population of NY state.

Let's just hope that this pride and patriotism and appreciation for the uniqueness of our fair land continues ...

It's not a bad thing to be proud of who we are ... it's not a bad thing to be different from our neighbours to the south ... let's embrace who we are for who we are!

Go Canada Go!

the flip side

Survived another weekend as a "stage mother" (the good kind of course). Stefani was on set half of Saturday and all day Sunday ... and us parents, along with makeup and hair were crammed into this tiny bedroom in the rented house ... no TV, a tiny window and two beds to sit on for well over 7 hours. And people think that shooting movies is glamourous!! Well, maybe the big Hollywood movies ... but even then, I know crew from The Incredible Hulk, Saw, Resident Evil etc ... and the conditions weren't much better than this.

But there's always a flip side isn't there? And the flip side here is that friendships are quickly forged when you're in a small room over four days with the same people! I've met so many nice people (and of course, some not so nice) ... and constantly am amazed at how much people share when there's nothing else to do!

There's another weekend of shooting on this film ... so next weekend is booked solid again.

Nicole's birthday is tomorrow but we're not celebrating until the weekend.

Not much else to say today ... the "to-do" list is far toooo long!

Friday is a state of mind, isn't it?

Another mild day in Toronto ... still no snow to speak of. Was quite surprised at the snow banks in Guelph! Made me remember what winter used to look like! What a l-o-o-o-ng drive that was ... we hit a snow belt somewhere close to Milton and it snowed the entire way to Guelph (and vice versa, on the way back). Soon discovered that I absolutely must change the driver's side wind shield wiper ... there's two strips right across the windshield where it doesn't touch the glass!

Just got Stefani off to school ... she's been under the weather lately ... a bit of a stomach bug that I think she picked up from Maija combined with stress-related grumblings.

Dave's off to sell a car ... and then we're going to see Big Tim's girls this afternoon play hockey ... or is it ringuette? I'm not sure. Either way, we'll have fun!

Got all my "to do's" done yesterday so I'm kinda feeling like not putting together any kind of "to do" today ... what a rebel I am!!

Happy Friday!

Time management

Just another day ... checking things off the "to do list". Which strangely enough never seems to get any shorter. Wouldn't it be great to actually find yourself with nothing on the "to do list"? I guess that is what retirement might be about.

But then again, having absolutely nothing to do would get boring ... and I for one, seem to enjoy making lists mentally or on paper of the things I would like to accomplish ... today, tomorrow, within the week, the month, the year ... making order out of chaos ... or a semblance of order, at least!

Today's list includes: remembering to buy toilet paper, taking Nic out grocery shopping, finishing the alterations on Nic's formal dress (only got half done yesterday), driving Nic back to Guelph ... and that's just the highlights.

Stefani had a great audition yesterday. Absolutely wowed their socks off. I get a kick out of watching her change adults' preconceptions of "child actors". And there's no greater compliment to me or Stefani ... than hearing an adult blubber on about how "professional" Stefani is. As soon as that word leaves the tip of their tongues, I realize that prior to their Stef-encounter, they figured "child actors" were just awkward, big dreamed kids ... you know, snotty nosed and undirectable. In this case, Stefani may have just convinced them not to write the daughter role out of their script.

Anyways ... Stefani loves auditioning ... so nothing lost. Though we did hear back about "Dream House" ... and the role went to a young Hollywood actress. Not a Canadian actor in the bunch. Oh well ... at least she got to audition for an A-list casting director ...

I think we're going to cheer Big Tim's girls on Friday night ... they're down from Sudbury for a hockey tournament (northern Toronto ... well, almost Aurora). Stef loves Brianna and Alyssa ... so that should be fun!

Saturday she's on set all day ...

Okay ... enough chatting, time to get working on that "to do list"!

seems like I'm always updating

and not "writing" ...

It's snowing big fluffly snowflakes ... just like I ordered!!

Crazy weekend ... what with Olympics-watching and cheering on Canadian athletes ... feeling national pride (which by the way doesn't come easy to us Canucks) ... falling in love with Alexandre Bilodeau and his brother Frederique as did the rest of the country ... then Valentine's Day and Family Day (which was oh so important to Maija) ... throw in Nicole home for Reading Week with assignments due every day ... and Dave on a rampage. Explosive doesn't even begin to describe the weekend.

This is not the place to rehash events ... that will be done elsewhere. Suffice it to say, there's a truce in place at the moment ... let's see how long that lasts.

Stefani has an audition this afternoon ... I've got to finish altering Nicole's formal dress ... and oh so much more.

What's new in your world?

Metal rat

According to my Chinese Zodiac yearly prediction chart (I'm a metal rat) ... I'm emotionally and mentally restless. Hmmm, there could be some truth to that!

... and no ... I don't really read and follow that shit. Just every now and then, when I'm feeling a little blue, I amuse myself by reading a horoscope or two, looking for some piece of positive garbage that I can hold on to and make myself feel better momentarily.

It's been a weird couple of days ... like everything's just a little out of sync ... like "normalcy" jumped a track. Everything seems to be rolling along as always ... but everything's off. Conversations don't flow the way they "should" or did just a few days ago ... everything and everyone seems to be vibrating, tense and wary.

I'm in a "power struggle" with Dave again. And I'm not going to let the "used car salesman" part of him, exhaust me with his endless sales pitch. Neither do I really care who's right or who's wrong. I simply want some peace and quiet. No games. No pretending that all is well and then being blind-sided by the same shit. Sometimes it feels like I'm dealing with a 3 year old. Ever tried to reason with a toddler? I should be apologizing to Maija for that comment ... reasoning with a toddler might actually be easier!

With years comes wisdom, or so they say. True, in this case ... as I have the wisdom to know that "issues" are never one-sided. This "off-ness" may be my creation ... or at the very least, half my issue. But I'll be damned if I allow the "double standard" to reappear ... and that's what has me restless and uneasy.

Now ... according to that Chinese Zodiac chart ... if I were a Tiger ... I'd be laughing!

More of the same ...

No snow storm to speak of ... just a few flurries so the ground looks like there's snow on it ... but don't be fooled, it's just white crispy ice. However, it's bitter cold today ... like that's anything new. This will be the winter to remember as icy and bitter cold.

Had to run downtown last night as Stefani was asked to shoot an extra line for TheScore.com commercial. We also took the opportunity to hit up a couple of Value Villages looking for period clothes for the short she films over the next three weekends. Most wardrobe people hate buying for kids ... so it's left up to us parents to try and find what they require (we get compensated of course).

It kinda' was a trip down memory lane ... the short is set in the fifties. So okay, I was just a twinkle in my mother and father's eyes at that point ... but geez I'd forgotten how everything was so different. It was fun watching Stefani's reactions to some of my memories: how I never wore pants, let alone jeans until I was about eleven (jeans weren't a reality for me until I was 14 and it caused quite a raucous amongst the family ... I think one of my aunts actually disowned me for a decade or so), how black was considered a colour that should never be worn by children, how every girl had a "sunday best" dress) and those were just some of the "fashion" related memories.

Anyways ... we found some outfits that were perfect including cardigans to go with each dress. We'll see on Saturday if I did as well as I thought.

Finally picked up cleaning supplies and garbage bags etc ... and I'm going to tackle the fire mess downstairs in Nic's room today.

Promised Stefani I would take her to WalMart after school tonight ... she's dying to have a pair of Olympic mitts. They're having a big Olympic celebration at school tomorrow! Today, her class is going ice skating. Poor thing tried everything to stay home (she hates skating) ... but I figured she's already had enough "mental health" days this year ... and it won't hurt her to try and get better at skating.

Okay ... gotta go clean!

Storm watch

I really don't like watching the news ... there's just too much bad news. Or if it isn't bad news ... it's some kind of celebrity trivia or worse yet, celebrity bashing. Seems we're a culture obsessed with tragedy (other people's of course) and titillation.

So how do I stay in touch? Well, sometimes frankly, I'm not in touch at all. Other times, I get tidbits here and there from others or I read a few blogs or an online version of a newspaper that doesn't cater to the lowest common denominator.

However ... every now and again ... as today ... I am reminded that the news does impart some useful information. Like weather reports. So ... that's how I found out that there's a snow storm brewing for afternoon drive time. I'm sure everyone else has been talking about this for days while I'm still debating whether the commitments I made for this afternoon in downtown Toronto should be kept or rescheduled.

Sure ... the weather people have predicted a storm ... but they've been known to be wrong. There's no telling if this will be a fluffy few or the "real deal".

As I sit here pondering the unanswerable ... I'm practically cursing having listened to the news on the way to Stef's school. Because ... had I not listened to the news, I would be clueless as I was earlier today ... and would have to make my decision come the time to leave. Now it's going to bother me all day. Go figure

Close call

So we managed to give our small neighbourhood something other than TV to watch last night ... two firetrucks and a couple of cop cars ... and the accompanying drama.

Started innocently enough ... Mel and I decided to dye our hair ... and during all that, Melanie used the blow dryer in the bathroom and blew a fuse. Stefani ran downstairs to ask J to turn the fuse back on ... and he switched two fuses on by accident.

Little did anyone know that the second fuse was for the stove in Nicole's room (it's an "in-law suite") that we all believed to be unplugged. Add to that ... the fact that a month ago, Nicole and I had been cleaning out her cupboards and had stacked a whole pile of pictures and papers on the stove for sorting at a later date.

So ... Mel calls out to me and says, "Mom ... how come it smells like burnt toast?" ... I don't really notice anything and neither does Dave who's watching sports in the bedroom. She mentions it again ... and I get a whiff of something burnt. My first thought? That the furnace had finally kicked the bucket ... so I go down into the furnace room to investigate and come upstairs to shut the furnace off for good measure.

By this time, Dave is up ... and says ... that's no furnace smell. He races downstairs and discovers the fire on the stove. The kids and Peanut Butter go outside ... and Dave's calling from downstairs but I can't make out what he's saying ... but I do notice that the smoke is thick and black billowing up the stairs. What do I do? Call 9-1-1, of course.

While I'm still on the phone ... Dave comes up to say that the fire has been extinguished ... but the fire department has a duty to come regardless (you can't "uncall" a 9-1-1 call). So ... it took them about 1 1/2 hours to blow out the house ... but the house still smells like the bottom of a campfire.

We all feel incredibly lucky ... as we realize that we were seconds away from not having been able to put out the fire ourselves ... and in the time it would have taken the fire department to set up and get in ... the house would have sustained some serious damage.

As well, the time that all this happened is traditionally Dave's "gym time" ... I mean, everyday ... but he'd gone earlier because we were planning to go visit Leanne at the hospital who was just recently diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. Had Dave not been home ... I would have probably shut the door to Nic's room ... called 9-1-1 ... and been lamenting the damage sustained.

Couldn't get over Dave's reaction last night ... he was really shaken. Would you believe that our house insurance had lapsed and wasn't going to be in "re" effect until February 15th?

So no monetary help for the smoke damage ... though that's really no big deal ... I'm sure I'll find some way to clean the house.

Wow ... it was a close call ... so how was your night?

Dreams

I dreamed that I was blogging ... creating new blogs ... one which I might even follow up on as it will give me the satisfaction of writing writing (as opposed to haphazardly recording tidbits of history in a semi-robotic fashion). Guess the old subconscious is trying to tell me that I'm actually getting some kind of mental health benefit from adding blogging to my daily routine.

Stef had her callback yesterday ... feels pleased with her "performance" ... now it's the waiting game to see if she actually booked it or not. There doesn't appear to be any rhyme or reason behind choices most of the time ... so we don't really hold our breaths or anything like that.

Mel had a rough night last night ... actually called me around 1 AM, having woken from a very vivid, nightmare (which ironically is a side-effect of the drugs she takes to get her bi-polar symptoms under control) ... wasn't much I could do for her besides try and calm her down and comfort her.

Think she's coming over to spend the afternoon.

Just heard from Nicole ... her and 2 of her current roommates (Laura and Holly) are signing a lease today for off-campus housing for next year ... which means she'll be trying to find work in Guelph for the summer as the lease runs May to May. :( Bittersweet ...

It's cold as a witch's teat ... with an icy wind that just cuts through all your clothes and ices your bones! Doesn't help that there's no snow ... and unless it gets a tad milder, there will be no snow anytime soon.

Guelph Girls

So ... another weekend draws to a close. It's been a good one ... a tad chilly what with the furnace acting up again ... but when there's enough people around ... the bodies create extra warmth or then again, maybe we're just so busy having fun that we don't notice the chill.

Maija slept over Friday night ... we watched the Squeakal for awhile ... but she wasn't as impressed or as engrossed as she was for the first. I guess even at 3 sequels aren't half as good as the first!! At some point around 11 PM, we invented a version of air hockey played on a white erase board ... and then came some pretty silly lullaby versions of "Hush little baby don't say a word ... Ginga's going to buy you a mockingbird ..." ... we had porcupines and kitty cats and balloons and all kinds of strange new words.

Got her to ballet on time Saturday morning ... Stefani spent the afternoon at Nico's house ... and I caught up on the laundry ... AND brought the library books back to their rightful home!

Today ... Nicole and Laura came down from Guelph. Nic cut Mel's hair ... and then gave Laura highlights and I cooked enough food for an army. Lucky Nic went home with tortilla soup, chicken, pork roast and half the liquor from our over-stocked, under-used supply!

Stefani got her Canada presentation done ... hope she gets a good mark, she certainly worked hard enough! Kyla and Stef just decided to walk to the corner store for some snacks ... gotta nibble on something as we watch the Grammy's.

Oh and yeah ... Stef got a callback tomorrow for that bread product / guitar hero commercial :)

Time surely does fly

Already Friday ... where does the time go? It gets burnt up through all those everyday ordinary tasks ... laundry, housekeeping, cooking, working for $ ... it's a wonder that more of us don't wake up on retirement day wondering where the F$&%k our lives went ...

It's really cold today ... -20 ... brrrrr ... makes hibernation seem like a good idea. There's not even any snow so I can't fool myself into thinking that I love winter by doing something "winter-like".

Maija's coming over for a sleep-over tonight ... we're going to watch the new Alvin & The Chipmunks movie. Kyla's over for the weekend as well. And unless plans change, Nic's coming down from Guelph with her roommate Laura on Sunday. Should be a great weekend!

Stef had a last minute audition yesterday ... for a US commercial. For a bread product ... but the commercial has a "Guitar Hero" theme. Hoping for a callback at least ... we'll see.

Gotta' get that Fan Page up for her ... as well as MySpace or a website via Casting Workbook. But waiting on the final decision re headshot from her agent.

Okay ... time to get some work done! (BTW - library books still have not made it back!)

Everyday ordinary

So yesterday's burning question had something to do with overdue items from the library and the local BlockBuster ... oh yes, and a certain mountain of laundry that keeps growing as it waits. Anyone want to venture a guess as to whether I followed through with my good intentions?

Are you kidding? The library books remain untouched (I think there may actually be a thin layer of dust gently coating the book covers) ... the videos remain in my handbag and I know of at least three or four additional pieces of laundry that joined the awaiting pile. The worst is, I don't even really have a good excuse. Time just kinda' slipped away from me.

The chili was delicious ... come to think of it, I didn't even wash all last night's supper dishes. What have I been doing instead?

I couldn't tell you .... just everyday ordinary with some daydreaming. (From the looks of things ... it may be more like daydreaming with some everyday ordinary thrown in for good measure!)

It's much colder today ... earlier when Stefani left for school there were great big snowflakes chasing each other across the sky. Dave's nursing (or should I say milking for all its worth?) a cold ... J had a "bad" day yesterday so he'll probably sleep until noon ... hoping to sleep his life away until he can find some measure of peace and security. I think Mel, Ang and Maija are coming over for a bit today ... they're talking (dreaming) of a Mexican vacation in March or April. Far be it from me to add a spoonful of sense into those daydreams ...

Okay ... so I've made myself feel guilty ... gonna go and get those dishes done, floors swept, surfaces dusted and then hit the office work ... I could be back and then again maybe not.

Ordinary

... what makes today the same as any other day and/or different. The routine of life tends to turn the ordinary into a greyish pablum of sorts. Nothing stands out ... everything just flows as it always does (that is, until it stops flowing and then the complaining begins). For now ... everything is flowing.

Just another mild day by Toronto January standards ... busy with work, housework, the day to day. Got nothing to read ... need to get to the library ... I must owe at least $20 for the three books that remain sitting near the front door begging me to take them back. Maybe I'll do that today. (what are the chances I'll actually do it? ... tomorrow will tell). Which reminds me that I have three overdue videos from BlockBuster as well. Harrumpph ... I hate wasting money on late fees ... but I do it over and over again.

Have chili simmering on the stove for supper ... but haven't tackled the mountain of laundry that I know is waiting for me downstairs. Yesterday's excuse was grocery shopping ... what will I dream up today? I know ... I've got to go to the library!!

Smells like spring

Another Monday ... a fresh week lies in front of us all. The weather has turned its dial to mild ... a gentle misty rain fell this morning ... leaving the air smelling like spring. (Have I mentioned that Toronto has no snow on the ground yet this winter?)

Between Dave's return ... a family dinner at Stef and Maija's favorite buffet restaurant - The Mandarin - the weekend ran its course. Stef had an audition on Saturday ... and a head shot session on Sunday.

Got the proofs (not colour corrected as of yet) ... and was taken aback at how much she's changed in nine months. Goes to show that we see the ones we love with our minds' eyes more often than not.

Wanna see?

The shot above was last year's headshot ... taken in May 2009 ...

... and here are the contenders for 2010

Catch up

It's been a great week. Didn't get to the AGO or the ROM as we'd dreamed ... but it was a great week nevertheless. Lots of cuddles, Wii, dinners in bed ... even a "mental health" day off from school. Our plans were derailed by acting, naturally. It's a fact of life around here.

A handful of auditions ... and she booked her first commercial. Auditioned on Monday, heard back on Tuesday and shot on Wednesday. Great script (in the sense that I've seen it done before, and it makes for a great commercial) ... friendly extras and crew. Stefani had a ball!

The audition day didn't go as smoothly. I'd picked her up a little too late from school and was pressed for time heading downtown. Now Toronto has deadzone parking hours - between 3 PM and 5 PM. People are still at work so most of the parking is taken ... and the parking spots that are available can only be paid for until 5 PM (full price mind you ... yup ... the same price those working stiffs paid at 8:30 AM as they headed in to work). Well ... we couldn't find a spot anywhere ... and brilliant me, decided to dare to park on the street ... not any street ... King Street. Another important tidbit of information: all major streets allow no street parking between 4 PM and 6 PM (rush hour).

I decided to take the gamble that we'd be in and out of there in 15 minutes ... and the building was within sight of the parking spot I chose. In and out was about 25 minutes and upon exiting the building ... what did I see? A tow truck in front of my car!!! Stef and I booted it across the street and threw ourselves at the mercy of the smirking parking cop and the tow truck attendant. It took them a while but they crumbled (probably due to the fact that poor Stef was freaking and crying). When we'd arrived the car was already hoisted ... and probably had already been called in to the impound lot ... but ... Stef saved the day!

And I learned a lesson ... I won't be doing that anymore!

Melanie was released ... and seems to have stabilized somewhat. I went over to her house yesterday to give it a clean (they still had Christmas decorations and their tree up). I truly believe that a state of mind can be affected by the state of order or disorder surrounding you and vice versa.

Dave comes home tonight ... I'm picking him up at the airport at 2 AM. Stef's got an audition Saturday afternoon ... and getting new head shots on Sunday ... so the weekend is already looking pretty booked.

So today's catch up day for me ....

All the things we said ...

I've always been a sucker for a pretty voice ... and a great song!

Is there order in chaos?

For someone who has considered herself, somewhat more creative than the average human, I've got to admit that I'm much more linear than I'd like to admit. I confess that I've smugly admired the "mess" of my home office or less than pristine home at times because these disheveled states of disorder proved to me somehow that I was creative and not one of "those" (sneer) logical, linear thinkers. Of course, to feel that smug, I naturally chose to forget that I've excelled at event and project management ... work that depends on attention to detail, linear critical paths ...

oh brother ... I'm just another sheep in wolf's clothing ... a linear, logical person masquerading as a creative, free spirit. (I guess that makes me a slob as well)

So where did these thoughts spring from? I noticed that I was trying to sort responses into some kind of order: where should I post my reply? what should I respond to first?

Hey ... maybe that's been my biggest problem all along ... trying to order chaos ... unable to let go and go with the flow

Dave left for his yearly guys' golf trip yesterday (I think there's close to 30 of them this year) ... I love this week ... it's as much a "vacation" for me as it is for him. It's a slumming, play it by ear week for Stef and I. On the agenda ... the ROM and the AGO ... the when is unsure. We've got to be downtown on Monday for an audition, the ROM would be a good idea after that with maybe supper at some new place before that. We'll see ...

Daytime snoozing

It's so quiet, I can hear the gears churning as I think. After close to a month of daily noise and chaos ... I'm somewhat taken aback this morning by the silence. I can hear the click,clicking of my fingers on the keyboard echo through the room ... and I'd forgotten the sounds the house makes when it's cold outside.

Woke up with a headache this morning ... I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights. And, I've been fighting the impulse to curl back under the covers all morning. I've been having this debate for the last hour or so ... you know one cartoonish good Gail on one shoulder ... another more devilish one on the other ... yes, no, yes, no ...

Heck ... here I am blogging about it ... guess who won?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Writing for posterity ...

i wonder if those of us who do a lot of writing for posterity do it because we have egos or hearts or minds or some part or a combination of all that want more attention than they get or because we have a timeless collective consciousness sense of sharing with humanity and instinctively know that until cellular memory is tapped into, recorded history is the best way to pass along knowledge, experience, and life to others..

I guess there’s more than one way to write for posterity ... depending on how literally or figuratively you want to look at it. I may not put down into black words on white paper (or the technological equivalent) the story of my life. But I am writing my life for posterity, nevertheless. My life story lives within the DNA passed on to my children, in the memories forged: remembered or forgotten, in the lives I've changed along the way: good or bad, in my carbon footprint if nothing else ...

We do what we can with the hand we've been dealt ... and all of us have a yearning to write it all down for posterity. Be it recorded on paper, on blogs or in journals ... or through family life. Those who literally write ... yearn for partners or children or family. Those who have family ... yearn for time to write.

The life written by the writer ... is a personal story written in the first person ... deep and in depth ... a documentary examining details and minutia. The life written by the other ... is a compilation of short stories, tidbits from here and there ...

I'm not saying anything new ... and I realize that neither option is better than the other. But I do know that I've spent a lot of time, pining for the time and energy to write at will. But who was I fooling? That was simply a case of the "grass being greener" ... I wouldn't trade this hand of mine. I've been playing it for far too long ...

Sunday, Sunday ...

... so the day begain, cold and icy as the alarm clock shrilled at 7:30 am (mind you ... Nic guilted me into playing wii with her until at least 1:30 am ... and though I do not believe all the notions of growing old ... this body does need a little more than 6 hours of sleep to function at its peak ... after more than a week of going to bed closer to 2:00 am) ...

... got Nicole to Guelph safely ... took her grocery shopping ... and then headed home with Mel. Did Mel's laundry while the girls (Kyla was down for the weekend as well) played Scrabble ... and then, of course, the necessary Band Hero. I've gotta' admit ... I kinda' like being a rock star for an hour or two ... I play a mean guitar :)

Pizza for supper ... got Melanie back to the ward ... picked up some groceries to make it through the week. Kyla and Stefani went to see the "new" Alvin & The Chipmunks movie ... Dave's gone to pick them up. I'm unwinding here ...

I've made it through the weekend without biting anyone's head off ... BUT ... there's some bitter anger broiling just beneath the surface.

Weekends ...

gotta love them ... mini breaks from reality or the day-to-day drudgery of the work week ... or so I like to fool myself. Sometimes I think, that more work actually gets done on Saturday than the whole week combined ... housework and family work that is.

10 loads of laundry today ... folded, some ironed and all put away. Floors. Dusting. Dishes. A handful of "taxi" rides. Half of a report for work. Meals. Cleaned the hamster cage.

And in between all that and more ... I managed to play Band Hero and Super Mario with the kids.

Tomorrow, I'm driving Nic to Guelph ... it's back to school for her. Mel's got a day pass so she'll come along for the ride. Maybe I'll get some rest in there somewhere ...

TGIF?

Thank god it's Friday?

To tell you the truth, I'm more of a TGIM (as in thank god it's Monday) person myself ... and if I ever sank so low as to complain about Monday ... I was lying.

Friday signals the end of a week drawing to its close ... and I've never really liked endings ... prefer beginnings ... fresh starts. (and please don't tell me that beginnings are built on endings ... I know, I know ... I just don't wish to stuck talking about endings) ...

Monday is like a fresh page in a notebook ... a new canvas on the easel ... I'm sure you get my drift.

Speaking of endings and beginnings ... I found myself thinking about family as I was knitting away in bed last night (a winter hat, in case you're curious) watching Law and Order SVU trying, without much success, to keep my mind from going anywhere too deep. (You'd think with all that activity that I would have been successful ... harrumph)

Somewhere, at some point in my musings ... I realized that I am in mourning. Mourning the "old" Jonathan and the "old" Melanie ... realizing that some of the characteristics that made them both so special and delightful ... are now categorized as symptoms of their disease. The drugs prescribed have dampened their spirits, dulled their eyes and changed "them" ...

And I am unsure of who these new people are ...

And I miss their "spark" ...

I hate this disease ... I hate its "remedy" ...

Just another reason to dislike Fridays ....

Two posts in one day?

... and in less than two hours? Oh no, it's the "feast or famine" syndrome rearing its ugly head again!!

... just thought I'd pick a new template for a new year ...

How does that happen?

Nine months have flown by !! I knew that I had sadly neglected this blog and my ramblings ... but a whole nine months?? It's a shame ... so much has happened ... so many memories that didn't get posted for posterity's sake ...

But that's what New Year's resolutions are for? Right? ... (are you laughing along with me? I hope you are ...) Okay ... so here's hoping that 2010 is the year I manage to stick to my guns and visit this place regularly.

To tell you the truth, I almost succumbed to a habit of mine ... that of abandoning what had been started and starting anew somewhere else. And yes, I went so far as to create a new blog and a different blog site ... named it and all ... picked out a fancy theme ... and yes ... wrote a draft first posting. But the words weren't flowing and I felt like a traitor ...

So I came back ... like the cat (well not exactly like the cat ... because the cat came back the very next day ... and well there's no way in any stretch of the imagination that I can make manipulate nine months into becoming a day) ... and there's a certain satisfaction in knowing that this nine month silence does accurately depict me and my state of being. For I've been know to drop out or drop off the face of the earth for a spell or two ...

So here I am ... back again ... for however long I manage to keep this promise to myself.

So how does this happen? It's the same old story ... life gets the better of me ... and I put it off once for a day or two ... which stretches into a week .... then two months ... and then even the thought is buried so deep under the to-do lists of life that it takes some kind of earthquake or cleansing to remember ... or something like that.

I seem to come back to the written word whenever stress hits me in the face. This time it's Mel ... recently diagnosed as bi-polar (that makes two ... and one not diagnosed, yet BP for sure) and back in the psych ward for the second time.

It's funny how us humans adjust to just about anything ... for on one level I'm taking all of this in stride ... been there, done that ... but I know that just below the surface a seething cauldron of stress, anxiety and questions bubble and toil.

I can't help thinking about Maija's comment spoken when she overheard that Mel was in the hospital. She looked at her dad and said, "Mom's in the hospital?" ... and waited for his reply. She walked over to Ang and said, "Do you work today Dad?" (he works at the airport in logistics) ... when he said "yes" ... she looked at him really seriously and said, "well, then be careful, don't get hit by a plane."

Guess you had to be there.

So what else is new? Finally heard from Will after a six month silence (like mother, like son), Stefani was the lead in a feature this summer and a few indie shorts headed for festivals ... the last nine months have been crazy busy for our little movie star ... Nic made it through first semester at Guelph U ... and transfered into Arts & Sciences (she was in Arts) for semester Two ... Jonathan seems to have more good days than bad ... but still lives in his own world ... Dave's retiring this September ... and I'm ...

the glue that holds it all together?

I guess that's what makes me come back when things are tougher ... for a reality check ... or a means to prove to myself that things aren't all that bad ... that there is light at the end of the tunnel ...

We'll see ....

I'm glad to be back ...