Peaceful Chaos

something to remember ...

2011-11-24T08:51:00.002-05:00

when someone is acting crazy and you respond with craziness
the focus automatically shifts to you

words to remember

2011-11-13T22:22:00.002-05:00

I wish I could show you
when you are lonely or in the darkness,
the astonishing light
of your own being.

Words to the wise ...

2011-10-16T11:25:00.001-04:00

Do not believe everything you think.

Signed up for an inspirational thought a day ... and this was what I found in my inbox today! Words to live by :)

you may not see them but the bars ARE there

2011-10-14T11:33:00.002-04:00

It sucks that I have no one to blame but myself ... it's so much more fun to be able to feel all high and mighty while pointing the finger haughtily towards someone else, then wiping my hands clean and proceeding with life smug in my holier-than-thou attitude.

Alas ... that no longer sits very well with me. So instead I'm stuck looking at life through these bars I fashioned over the last 50 years, realizing that though I have finally found the keys ... it's not quite time to escape or get over to the other side yet.

Musical memories are coming back ... favourite song lyrics ... today it rained a misty kind of rain and I wanted to go and stand on the deck and get wet ... but I didn't. I want to blare Bon Jovi and dance around the house ... just to feel my body moving like that and to sing lyrics that are like old best friends. I want to crunch through fallen leaves and pick pumpkins and drink spiced cider. I want to throw back my head in laughter and enjoy the sights, smells and feel of autumn (my favourite season). But I have to be careful.

I can't rock the boat ... I can't rain more misfortune down upon my head and Stefani's and J's. I've found myself again (hello ... you look familiar) but I can only let a tiny piece of her out ... or I have to wait until HE is gone to let her out and then I have to tuck her back in really, really fast so that he doesn't know, doesn't sense, doesn't react.

It sucks.

To live in truth

2011-10-07T10:48:00.002-04:00

I've struggled with this concept for a long time.
I've had a hard time accepting and recognizing truth as it IS for me without being swayed by the opinions of a trusted few or by my own clever self-analysis which can turn anything into swiss cheese.
Every now and again ... for a moment ... like this one, I can see clearly that truth simply IS. No explanations necessary, it is what it is. It may defy logic, it may not fit in any boxes, grooves or holes ... it may even be discounted by others. But the fact remains that the truth of our own "me-ness", the truth of the situations we find ourselves in, the options available to us are only known to us. All we can behold is our own truth.
Your truth is not my truth ... and we have a bond, a relationship or an interaction ... your truth is your truth, my truth is my truth ... and the interaction's truth remains the interaction's truth. Neither you nor I can totally comprehend, see or grasp that interaction's truth. It is not ours to see or know.
All we have is ourselves, our truths, our light, our responsibilities.
The quest to understand beyond that is wasted time, especially if we seek an absolute. There is no absolute outside of ourselves.

It's a miracle any of us get along at all. And, the fact that we do at times, get along and laugh and cry and celebrate or mourn together for a moment, a day, 10 years IS the miracle of life and love.

The answers are all inside ... the truth lies in your heart and soul. You ... I need to look inside, not outside for the answers, for the peace, for the love.
Validation only comes from self REALLY.

So I sit here this morning ... looking at my truth. It's ugly and tattered and torn and covered in shit. It doesn't look pretty, it doesn't smell pretty ... but it's my truth. And living this moment grounded in MY reality is ultimately better than all those moments flitting 10 feet above the ground, soaring on a windswell (that eventually dies and crashes me to the ground)

No matter how terrible HERE may be ... it is "better" than up there, over there, under there, above there ...

Because only from HERE ... living in truth ... can I be grateful for the little things, only from HERE can I hear the birds sing and break into a smile because the sun feels nice on my face.

I must remember that HERE ... will always be better than there.

the whole world revealed

2011-10-04T11:05:00.001-04:00

There is no controlling life. Try corralling a lightening bolt, containing a tornado. Dam a stream, and it will create a new channel. Resist, and the tide will sweep you off your feet. Allow, and grace will carry you to higher ground. The only safety lies in letting it all in- the wild with the weak; fear, fantasies, failure and success. When loss rips off the doors of the heart, or sadness veils your vision with despair, practice becomes simply bearing the truth. In the choice to let go of your known way of being, the whole world is revealed to your new eyes.
Danna Faulds

Hey mom ... hey Dave ... listen here !

2011-09-24T17:07:00.001-04:00

Words to remember ...

2011-09-19T11:21:00.002-04:00

When people show you who they are ... believe them.

- Maya Angelou

Sun is finally shining ...

2011-09-08T16:08:00.001-04:00

Today was all about Stefani's audition for "Warhorse" ... we both had the pleasure of meeting Marianne Elliott, the producer/director of the London and Broadway productions. What will be, will be ... but it was thrilling for Stef to be auditioning at this level. So proud of her and her dedication to what is truly her passion.

honesty ...

2011-09-04T13:46:00.002-04:00

You can only progress from where you really are ... not from where you pretend to be but you are not

Some days this is really easy ... or at least easier ... and other days, I find myself pulling out my hair and asking myself "but where I am really?"

But all is not lost ... I tackle chores or listen to music ... and inevitably the answer appears :)

Aren't small miracles the best rays of sunshine?

Finding my way back through music ...

2011-08-30T10:02:00.003-04:00

Couldn't find a good quality link on Youtube for this song ...

But it is my theme song ... and I listen to it whenever I get weak or confused or falling back into destructive patterns ...

Yeah for music !

Took a long hard look, at my life.

Lost my way, well I was fighting the time.

A big black cloud, stormy sky.

Followed me, while I was living a lie.

So heartless, so selfish, so in darkness, when all your nights are

Starless,

You're running outta hope.

But I found the strength inside to see, found the better part of me,

And I'll never let it go.

I've come a long, long way,

Made a lot of mistakes,

But I'm breathin, breathin, that's right and I mean it, mean it.

This time I'm a little run down, I've been living out loud.

I could beat it, beat it, that's right, 'cause I'm feelin, feelin,

Invincible.

Woah-oh-oh-oh (x3)

When you're gone for a day, on your own.

Tear your heart out just to find your way home.

I've been so high, I've sunk so low.

I've come so far, with nothing to show, for it.

Mistaken, I got so good at taking,

But now I'm tired of faking.

This story's getting old.

So I found the strength inside to see, from the better part of me,

And I'll never let it go.

I've come a long, long way,

Made a lot of mistakes,

But I'm breathin, breathin, that's right and I mean it, mean it.

This time I'm a little run down, I've been living out loud.

I could beat it, beat it, that's right, 'cause I'm feelin, feelin,

Invincible.

Woah-oh-oh-oh (x3)

Invincible.

I'm not the only one,

To crash into the sun, and live to fight another day.

Like a super nova, that old life is over.

I'm here to stay.

Now I'm gonna be,

Invincible.

Woah-oh-oh-oh (x3)

Invincible.

I've come a long, long way,

Made a lot of mistakes,

But I'm breathin, breathin, that's right and I mean it, mean it.

This time I'm a little run down, I've been living out loud.

I could beat it, beat it, that's right 'cause I'm feelin, feelin,

Invincible.

Woah-oh-oh-oh (x3)

Invincible.

Woah-oh-oh-oh (x3)

Invincible.

HEDLEY - Invincible

New philosophy

2011-08-29T07:18:00.001-04:00

You can only progress from where you really are ... not from where you pretend to be but you are not.

How did I miss that lesson?

sometimes I hear your smile

2011-08-21T00:22:00.001-04:00

I've been away from music for too long ... reconnecting with old favourites ...

Musical interlude

2011-08-19T11:56:00.000-04:00

Something about this song just speaks to me ...

a long time coming ...

2011-08-17T10:17:00.002-04:00

Who would have thought it would take me close to 50 years to grow up?

And little did I realize all that time that growing up really meant rediscovering innocence lost.

It's been a long hard road ... with an equally long hard road ahead ... but this time I know I have the tools and open eyes to actually enjoy the journey.

Sorry to those I've ignored and disrespected along the way ... if you inch closer, I promise I won't bite.

A long time coming ...

2010-04-19T20:36:00.002-04:00

once again I seem to have fallen asleep at the wheel ... and let a week or so pass without a word or two or three. I don't think it's that I'm that busy ... just that mentally tired at times. Or I've convinced myself that I'm too tired, and accept the excuse without thinking twice ... and voila ... time flashes by in the blink of an eye!

okay time to wake up ... and shake things up a bit!

Holiday hangover

2010-04-06T10:25:00.002-04:00

A holiday without a crisis? Impossible.

Maybe it's the sheer number of people in the family ... or then again, maybe we're just wired that way.

A crisis is like climbing a mountain ... events snowballing up one side, stopping at the top to explode and for one second give a view of both sides ... and then barreling down the other side.

All that action, once over and done ... leaves us spent and awash in anti-climax.

And usually results in something akin to an emotional hangover the next day.

Pet Peeve of the Day

2010-04-01T13:38:00.003-04:00

... know what really gets me upset?

... dog boogers on the windows!!

Not a rock to be found

2010-03-31T16:07:00.004-04:00

Suburbs give you the illusion of not being city-dwelling folk. Why there are trees and grassy knolls, parks and playgrounds ... seemingly open spaces. How can that be city living?

Ahhh ... but it's all an illusion for there's not a rock to be found!

Stefani's class is studying rock formations. Her homework assignment was to bring a rock to school.

"That should be easy," I said without thinking. So out the door we went and into the open field ... and walked along the shores of this tiny creek ... well that might be exaggerating somewhat ... so let's call it a creeklet.

Sure there were big slabs of granite ... bedrock ... but as for rocks or stones ... nothing but erosion polished bricks and cement globs leftover from some construction project. Pebbles - sure. But not a rock to be found!

So after 30 minutes of fruitless but adventurous searching (Stefani did get to walk through the muck and splash in the creeklet with her galoshes) ... I tried to think of somewhere within a 5 - 10 minute drive from here that might harbour some fist-sized rocks.

Believe it or not ... outside of people's rock gardens ... I couldn't think of any!

That's when our next door neighbour came to the rescue ... and offered up one of their rocks from their garden. Mission accomplished!

You may be wondering how the neighbour had rocks and we couldn't find any? Simple. We live in the suburbs remember? They bought their rocks!

Now that blows my mind!!

Mid-week wonderings

2010-03-31T10:41:00.003-04:00

So it's Wednesday ... the week's half done. Or I guess if I use the half-empty, half-full analogy ... the week's still got lots of "oomph" left.

Seems to me there's a lot of focus on getting to the end of the week ... as though a pot of gold lays in wait. Sure, there's pay-checks and a few days respite from the working world. But don't most of us continue to work over the weekend? Whether it be business or house-work or family chores ... there's really no rest for the wicked.

Nevertheless, Friday waves its checkered flag and most of us breath a sigh of relief once we've crossed that finish line. We've mastered another marathon!

That's probably why I've got a soft spot for Wednesday or "hump day ... it's a day where you can stand on its hump and peer ahead and behind ... giving the week a once over. It's like a stop at the control station ... you can adjust as needed ... maybe let up on the productivity a little or adjust the work-play levels ... correct your route if you've strayed a little off path.

I don't know about you ... but that's what I'm up to today.

Catching up

2010-03-30T14:48:00.004-04:00

It's been a few days ... let's see what have I been up to?

Stef had a movie shoot ... that went well though it was sooo cold (minus 10 with the windchill) and poor thing had to film in a flimsy dress. But I was there as chief blanket holder ... and the rest of the cast and crew were gracious and great people so it was all fun! Should be an interesting short to see ... as it was filmed in B & W ... and the only color will be the red of her ribbons.

We're off again after school to do some post sound editing on a project she did last November.

Thankfully, her schedule is clear for the next couple of weeks ... and she can focus on other things!

waiting ...

2010-03-26T11:41:00.003-04:00

Seems I do an awful lot of waiting ...

waiting for the weather to get warmer ...

waiting for the phone to ring ...

waiting for the water to boil ...

waiting for the world to change ...

Today I'm waiting on all kinds of things ... but mostly waiting for Dave to call or come home. He's getting two cancerous (apparently basal) lesions removed from his forehead.

He already called once to say that the lesions are deeper than anticipated and that he's waiting on the biopsies ... since they may have to cut out even more.

I don't think there's any terrible news awaiting us ... but it's certainly given Dave a scare.

And I, selfishly, just want to stop waiting ...

Cold and loud

2010-03-22T14:30:00.002-04:00

It's cold today ... we've been spoiled by the almost 20 degree weather the last week or so ... so it feels even colder, if that's possible.

And if that weren't bad enough ... there's a bulldozer in the lot behind this house demolishing what's left of a house. And that means ... the bulldozer will be followed by the sounds of builders building.

Have you ever noticed how loud progress or change can be?

Fridaze

2010-03-19T10:01:00.002-04:00

I've been up for a few hours now ... taking care of business and now updating blogs. I can hear the birds chirping outside ... guess they're getting ready for another beautiful day (which will be three in a row with temperatures above a15 degrees ... Celsius, that is).

Dave's golfing ... Stef's just waking up ... and I've got no idea what today will bring. Guess we'll go with the flow ...

workshop

2010-03-15T08:18:00.003-04:00

Stefani went to one of those "celebrity workshops" yesterday ... she was invited so we didn't have to pay the big bucks. Can't remember the guy's name ... but he was the boyfriend on Wizards of Waverly Place.

Usually she doesn't get much out of those workshops ... but something he said clicked ... and "eureka" she can cry on cue. She was doing it all afternoon!!

Going to Fallsview for a March Break overnight with one of her school friends, Victoria. Should be fun!

It's raining ... it's pouring

2010-03-12T13:33:00.002-05:00

but there's no "old man" snoring. I could stand in of course, because this is just the kind of day made for hopping back into bed and taking long naps. And I've been told I snore.

It's been a good week ... Mel seems to be as stable as she's been for awhile. J's socializing and maintaining a schedule ...

Dave's week hasn't been all that great ... finally went to have some cancerous spots looked at on his head ... one was removed, the other biopsied. During physical, doctor found protein in his urine ... did more tests and then sent him for an ultra-sound yesterday. I can tell he's worried.

As for me ... I just keep rowing my boat gently down the stream.

Reality check

2010-03-11T13:37:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel like my life has become so wrapped up in Stefani's dream that I may not be seeing the forest for the trees.

Until recently I could never really understand hockey moms who synched their lives with the arena schedule. Boy do I ever understand now!

Helping Stefani out is like having another job ... manager, coach, stylist, chaperone and driver. Check emails daily, liaise with agent, self-submit, accept offers, refuse others, send thank-you notes, chase after footage, maintain the schedule, practice lines ... Stefani, the actor, is a business I manage.

But I'm also a mother ... to Stef ... and to a handful of others. It's a balancing act that is difficult at times to maintain.

I'm always reminding myself that even when the others ask about Stefani ... I have to tone it down a bit or brush things off ... because they can't help but compare and feel "neglected". I'm sure each of them has wondered why I wasn't committed to the business of them in the same way. Not that any of them really ever wanted to be an actor ... though Nicole did want to be a model ... I even took her to a few agencies ... but she was too short, and still is too short. But try and tell that to raw emotional sibling rivalry.

Blogging has helped because I can toot Stefani's horn or fret and wonder what I should do ... without it upsetting the apple carts around me.

usually

2010-03-08T18:43:00.002-05:00

usually I don't want the day to end ... because that means that one more day has passed. Today, I just wish that all the responsibilities would be done with so that I could crawl under the covers, read a chapter or two and then fall into a hopefully restorative sleep.

Stef's over at Victoria's house until 8 pm ... and if I get my wish, I'll be in bed, all snuggled up by 8:15 pm. Ahhhh that'll be soooooo nice.

You know, it's hard for mothers to find time to take care of themselves. It's like Murphy's Law waits for any sign of weakness or fatigue ... and "blammo" everyone else wants or needs something. Melanie needed to talk today, Nicole just barely passed a mid-term, Dave's being a douche-bag (hmmm ... that word makes me feel better) and J had his girlfriend over ... oh yes, and I mustn't forget the hamster that is still on the loose, driving Peanut Butter absolutely crazy!

Tomorrow will be a better day ... it has to!

Good morning!

2010-03-07T09:06:00.003-05:00

Just prepared my cup of coffee ... without which the morning wouldn't really start. I've got a large Starbucks transparent mug filled to the brim with delicious caffeine, a sprinkle of sugar and a splash of cream. Yum.

Tiny sips is the secret to truly appreciating my morning coffee. Some days I've made a better cup than others. This morning's is especially tasty. Brings me back to slurping coffee out of a saucer with my Grandpa M ... couldn't have been older than three cause he died before I was four.

It's a sensory memory ... I can taste Gramma M's coffee, hot and creamy. I can feel the bone chain handle in my fingers as well as the saucer. And ... I can hear the slurping sound that Grandpa M had me convinced was necessary to be a real "caffetta" lover. But I don't "see" anything. I don't have to ... this love affair I have with my morning coffee is a taste thing.

Rarely do I have more than one cup ... choosing to sip away at my large mug until there's nothing left which usually is mid-afternoon or later. Seems my addiction, my habit is appeased with that first sip.

Am I a slave to my morning coffee? In some ways I am. If I'm at home, with all the makings of the perfect cup ... I have to have my coffee. If I'm elsewhere, dependent on Timmie's or someone else's brew ... I could take it or leave it. My love of coffee has less to do with coffee as it has to do with recreating that taste, reliving that memory.

Today's cup was just right ... let's hope it' forebodes the rest of the day!

Another day on set

2010-03-06T19:01:00.002-05:00

Up at 6 ... out the door by 7:15 ... quick stop at Timmie's for a double-double ... at base camp by 7:45 ... and into hair & makeup for Stef by 8:00.

Filming was a frat house today ... gotta' say that movie depictions are fairly accurate!

Tomorrow should be a wrap on this project ... and perhaps a break for Stef as there's nothing lined up for awhile except for a quick video shoot this week for a "parody" type web-based " project.

Stef's sights are set on a March-break overnight to Fallsview WaterPark with Victoria.

48 Hours

2010-03-05T09:58:00.002-05:00

Can't even begin to imagine what this must feel like for a 9 year old!! To use a much over-worked word ... it was "surreal".

Movie was good ... would have been great if the female lead had the same level of talent as the male lead (he was amazing). Stefani's scenes were wonderful ...

I'm kinda' speechless really. It's one thing to be the stage mother sitting in the holding room on set, adjusting mike packs, taking care of little details and reading to pass the time away ... and quite another to see your child on the BIG screen and realize that she's actually good!

Ah yes, yesterday was a glorious day!

Hump Day

2010-03-03T09:41:00.002-05:00

Wednesday ... otherwise known as hump day.

The day should go by rather quickly ... Stefani's got that shoot and I've got two new library books - Smash Cut by Sandra Brown and Hide by Lisa Gardner ... yup, you've got it right "junk reads" ... mindless fiction for the masses.

I'm actually still in my pj's ... will get dressed soon enough! Stef's dressed and ready ... chilling out watching some TV.

Have a good one!

Photos & Film

2010-03-02T11:05:00.003-05:00

Saw the most amazing sunset yesterday ... but of course, didn't have my camera handy. So I've put the camera in its case with a handful of fresh batteries and I'm not going anywhere without it again. Naturally that doesn't mean I'm going to take pictures every time I see something that's incredibly beauty or raw ... but it certainly ups the odds!

Trying to get things off the "to-do" list today ... Stefani's got a commercial shoot all day tomorrow - a promo for Sheridan College. It'll be her first experience on green screen. Should be fun.

Thursday is the premiere of "48 Hours in Purgatory" ... the screening is being done at SilverCity with a meet n greet prior at Milestones. This will be the first time Stef (or any of us) get to see her on the BIG screen. Mind you, she's only in this movie for a grand total of about 3 minutes ... but still!!

Enough yammering ... time to get some work done!

Snow Flakes

2010-02-27T22:34:00.005-05:00

Weekends ... you never really know what they're going to be about. This one was full of surprises ...

Like snow on Friday night ... lots of it ... so a snowlady was born on the front yard ... Mrs. Flake, actually. But today the rain, melted her into a small heap of slushy ice, her discarded mittens, scarf and hat frozen to the ground.

We awoke early this morning (Stefani, Kyla and I) ... Stefani had an audition in Burlington. I promised Nicole and Ali that I would solve their transportation problem and pick Ali up and bring him to Guelph today so that he could escort her to the "prom" / formal. But we had three hours to burn ...

So ... we walked through IKEA and made wish lists ... stopped for 50 cent hot dogs on the way out. Headed to PetSmart where we watched a few really smart dogs being trained.

Back into the car and we headed to Hamilton to pick Ali up ... but not before stopping at Cupcakes to pick up a red velvet cupcake for Nicole and an "N" candle to stick atop the most delicious icing I've ever tasted!

We got to Ali's house ... but he was in the shower ... so Stefani proceeded to create a tiny version of Mrs. Flake for his front stoop.

Off to Guelph. Once there we chatted and watched Nic and her roommates get all dolled up ... enjoying the break from being in the car. An hour or so later, we were back on the road home.

Time for some hamburgers ... a quick change into pj's ... and then snuggles on the couch to watch "Coraline" and "Where the Wild Things Are".

I am Canadian, eh?

2010-02-24T12:04:00.003-05:00

It's a wonderful time to be Canadian. Sure we've hosted the Olympics before ... but perhaps we were too young of a country to appreciate that patriotism and pride were not "impolite".

As a Canadian who spent close to 10 years in the good ole US of A ... and witnessed patriotism first hand (heck, my eyes used to water on July 4th at the unified spirit of pride around me) ... Canadian's self-effacing nature was that much clearer in my mind.

It seems we've always been a country ready to say "excuse me" or sit back and let another go first. Well mannered, to say the least.

Maybe the country has grown up ... or maybe the Vancouver Olympics organization has to be commended for sparking a fire in the hearts of all Canadians that goes beyond medals and athletes. The brilliance of a torch relay that started months ago and that touched every small town and large city across Canada was a stroke of genius. We have begun to "believe".

Like oh so many Canadians, we watched the relay ... and then through serendipity found ourselves at a sport arena with an Olympic torch. Stefani was awe-struck ... and so proud to have her picture taken holding a torch that had held the flame.

We're glued to the television set ... watching, cheering ... and swelling with pride. We won't win the most medals ... but our medal winners have heart and soul ... they're pure Canadian!! We don't help our athletes in the same way as other countries ... we can't ... we're too small. 33 million Canadians ... that's practically the population of NY state.

Let's just hope that this pride and patriotism and appreciation for the uniqueness of our fair land continues ...

It's not a bad thing to be proud of who we are ... it's not a bad thing to be different from our neighbours to the south ... let's embrace who we are for who we are!

Go Canada Go!

the flip side

2010-02-22T09:49:00.003-05:00

Survived another weekend as a "stage mother" (the good kind of course). Stefani was on set half of Saturday and all day Sunday ... and us parents, along with makeup and hair were crammed into this tiny bedroom in the rented house ... no TV, a tiny window and two beds to sit on for well over 7 hours. And people think that shooting movies is glamourous!! Well, maybe the big Hollywood movies ... but even then, I know crew from The Incredible Hulk, Saw, Resident Evil etc ... and the conditions weren't much better than this.

But there's always a flip side isn't there? And the flip side here is that friendships are quickly forged when you're in a small room over four days with the same people! I've met so many nice people (and of course, some not so nice) ... and constantly am amazed at how much people share when there's nothing else to do!

There's another weekend of shooting on this film ... so next weekend is booked solid again.

Nicole's birthday is tomorrow but we're not celebrating until the weekend.

Not much else to say today ... the "to-do" list is far toooo long!

2010-02-19T09:07:00.002-05:00

Friday is a state of mind, isn't it?

Another mild day in Toronto ... still no snow to speak of. Was quite surprised at the snow banks in Guelph! Made me remember what winter used to look like! What a l-o-o-o-ng drive that was ... we hit a snow belt somewhere close to Milton and it snowed the entire way to Guelph (and vice versa, on the way back). Soon discovered that I absolutely must change the driver's side wind shield wiper ... there's two strips right across the windshield where it doesn't touch the glass!

Just got Stefani off to school ... she's been under the weather lately ... a bit of a stomach bug that I think she picked up from Maija combined with stress-related grumblings.

Dave's off to sell a car ... and then we're going to see Big Tim's girls this afternoon play hockey ... or is it ringuette? I'm not sure. Either way, we'll have fun!

Got all my "to do's" done yesterday so I'm kinda feeling like not putting together any kind of "to do" today ... what a rebel I am!!

Happy Friday!

Time management

2010-02-18T10:27:00.002-05:00

Just another day ... checking things off the "to do list". Which strangely enough never seems to get any shorter. Wouldn't it be great to actually find yourself with nothing on the "to do list"? I guess that is what retirement might be about.

But then again, having absolutely nothing to do would get boring ... and I for one, seem to enjoy making lists mentally or on paper of the things I would like to accomplish ... today, tomorrow, within the week, the month, the year ... making order out of chaos ... or a semblance of order, at least!

Today's list includes: remembering to buy toilet paper, taking Nic out grocery shopping, finishing the alterations on Nic's formal dress (only got half done yesterday), driving Nic back to Guelph ... and that's just the highlights.

Stefani had a great audition yesterday. Absolutely wowed their socks off. I get a kick out of watching her change adults' preconceptions of "child actors". And there's no greater compliment to me or Stefani ... than hearing an adult blubber on about how "professional" Stefani is. As soon as that word leaves the tip of their tongues, I realize that prior to their Stef-encounter, they figured "child actors" were just awkward, big dreamed kids ... you know, snotty nosed and undirectable. In this case, Stefani may have just convinced them not to write the daughter role out of their script.

Anyways ... Stefani loves auditioning ... so nothing lost. Though we did hear back about "Dream House" ... and the role went to a young Hollywood actress. Not a Canadian actor in the bunch. Oh well ... at least she got to audition for an A-list casting director ...

I think we're going to cheer Big Tim's girls on Friday night ... they're down from Sudbury for a hockey tournament (northern Toronto ... well, almost Aurora). Stef loves Brianna and Alyssa ... so that should be fun!

Saturday she's on set all day ...

Okay ... enough chatting, time to get working on that "to do list"!

seems like I'm always updating

2010-02-17T10:47:00.003-05:00

and not "writing" ...

It's snowing big fluffly snowflakes ... just like I ordered!!

Crazy weekend ... what with Olympics-watching and cheering on Canadian athletes ... feeling national pride (which by the way doesn't come easy to us Canucks) ... falling in love with Alexandre Bilodeau and his brother Frederique as did the rest of the country ... then Valentine's Day and Family Day (which was oh so important to Maija) ... throw in Nicole home for Reading Week with assignments due every day ... and Dave on a rampage. Explosive doesn't even begin to describe the weekend.

This is not the place to rehash events ... that will be done elsewhere. Suffice it to say, there's a truce in place at the moment ... let's see how long that lasts.

Stefani has an audition this afternoon ... I've got to finish altering Nicole's formal dress ... and oh so much more.

What's new in your world?

Metal rat

2010-02-12T09:12:00.002-05:00

According to my Chinese Zodiac yearly prediction chart (I'm a metal rat) ... I'm emotionally and mentally restless. Hmmm, there could be some truth to that!

... and no ... I don't really read and follow that shit. Just every now and then, when I'm feeling a little blue, I amuse myself by reading a horoscope or two, looking for some piece of positive garbage that I can hold on to and make myself feel better momentarily.

It's been a weird couple of days ... like everything's just a little out of sync ... like "normalcy" jumped a track. Everything seems to be rolling along as always ... but everything's off. Conversations don't flow the way they "should" or did just a few days ago ... everything and everyone seems to be vibrating, tense and wary.

I'm in a "power struggle" with Dave again. And I'm not going to let the "used car salesman" part of him, exhaust me with his endless sales pitch. Neither do I really care who's right or who's wrong. I simply want some peace and quiet. No games. No pretending that all is well and then being blind-sided by the same shit. Sometimes it feels like I'm dealing with a 3 year old. Ever tried to reason with a toddler? I should be apologizing to Maija for that comment ... reasoning with a toddler might actually be easier!

With years comes wisdom, or so they say. True, in this case ... as I have the wisdom to know that "issues" are never one-sided. This "off-ness" may be my creation ... or at the very least, half my issue. But I'll be damned if I allow the "double standard" to reappear ... and that's what has me restless and uneasy.

Now ... according to that Chinese Zodiac chart ... if I were a Tiger ... I'd be laughing!

More of the same ...

2010-02-11T10:52:00.002-05:00

No snow storm to speak of ... just a few flurries so the ground looks like there's snow on it ... but don't be fooled, it's just white crispy ice. However, it's bitter cold today ... like that's anything new. This will be the winter to remember as icy and bitter cold.

Had to run downtown last night as Stefani was asked to shoot an extra line for TheScore.com commercial. We also took the opportunity to hit up a couple of Value Villages looking for period clothes for the short she films over the next three weekends. Most wardrobe people hate buying for kids ... so it's left up to us parents to try and find what they require (we get compensated of course).

It kinda' was a trip down memory lane ... the short is set in the fifties. So okay, I was just a twinkle in my mother and father's eyes at that point ... but geez I'd forgotten how everything was so different. It was fun watching Stefani's reactions to some of my memories: how I never wore pants, let alone jeans until I was about eleven (jeans weren't a reality for me until I was 14 and it caused quite a raucous amongst the family ... I think one of my aunts actually disowned me for a decade or so), how black was considered a colour that should never be worn by children, how every girl had a "sunday best" dress) and those were just some of the "fashion" related memories.

Anyways ... we found some outfits that were perfect including cardigans to go with each dress. We'll see on Saturday if I did as well as I thought.

Finally picked up cleaning supplies and garbage bags etc ... and I'm going to tackle the fire mess downstairs in Nic's room today.

Promised Stefani I would take her to WalMart after school tonight ... she's dying to have a pair of Olympic mitts. They're having a big Olympic celebration at school tomorrow! Today, her class is going ice skating. Poor thing tried everything to stay home (she hates skating) ... but I figured she's already had enough "mental health" days this year ... and it won't hurt her to try and get better at skating.

Okay ... gotta go clean!

Storm watch

2010-02-09T09:36:00.002-05:00

I really don't like watching the news ... there's just too much bad news. Or if it isn't bad news ... it's some kind of celebrity trivia or worse yet, celebrity bashing. Seems we're a culture obsessed with tragedy (other people's of course) and titillation.

So how do I stay in touch? Well, sometimes frankly, I'm not in touch at all. Other times, I get tidbits here and there from others or I read a few blogs or an online version of a newspaper that doesn't cater to the lowest common denominator.

However ... every now and again ... as today ... I am reminded that the news does impart some useful information. Like weather reports. So ... that's how I found out that there's a snow storm brewing for afternoon drive time. I'm sure everyone else has been talking about this for days while I'm still debating whether the commitments I made for this afternoon in downtown Toronto should be kept or rescheduled.

Sure ... the weather people have predicted a storm ... but they've been known to be wrong. There's no telling if this will be a fluffy few or the "real deal".

As I sit here pondering the unanswerable ... I'm practically cursing having listened to the news on the way to Stef's school. Because ... had I not listened to the news, I would be clueless as I was earlier today ... and would have to make my decision come the time to leave. Now it's going to bother me all day. Go figure

Close call

2010-02-03T08:18:00.003-05:00

So we managed to give our small neighbourhood something other than TV to watch last night ... two firetrucks and a couple of cop cars ... and the accompanying drama.

Started innocently enough ... Mel and I decided to dye our hair ... and during all that, Melanie used the blow dryer in the bathroom and blew a fuse. Stefani ran downstairs to ask J to turn the fuse back on ... and he switched two fuses on by accident.

Little did anyone know that the second fuse was for the stove in Nicole's room (it's an "in-law suite") that we all believed to be unplugged. Add to that ... the fact that a month ago, Nicole and I had been cleaning out her cupboards and had stacked a whole pile of pictures and papers on the stove for sorting at a later date.

So ... Mel calls out to me and says, "Mom ... how come it smells like burnt toast?" ... I don't really notice anything and neither does Dave who's watching sports in the bedroom. She mentions it again ... and I get a whiff of something burnt. My first thought? That the furnace had finally kicked the bucket ... so I go down into the furnace room to investigate and come upstairs to shut the furnace off for good measure.

By this time, Dave is up ... and says ... that's no furnace smell. He races downstairs and discovers the fire on the stove. The kids and Peanut Butter go outside ... and Dave's calling from downstairs but I can't make out what he's saying ... but I do notice that the smoke is thick and black billowing up the stairs. What do I do? Call 9-1-1, of course.

While I'm still on the phone ... Dave comes up to say that the fire has been extinguished ... but the fire department has a duty to come regardless (you can't "uncall" a 9-1-1 call). So ... it took them about 1 1/2 hours to blow out the house ... but the house still smells like the bottom of a campfire.

We all feel incredibly lucky ... as we realize that we were seconds away from not having been able to put out the fire ourselves ... and in the time it would have taken the fire department to set up and get in ... the house would have sustained some serious damage.

As well, the time that all this happened is traditionally Dave's "gym time" ... I mean, everyday ... but he'd gone earlier because we were planning to go visit Leanne at the hospital who was just recently diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. Had Dave not been home ... I would have probably shut the door to Nic's room ... called 9-1-1 ... and been lamenting the damage sustained.

Couldn't get over Dave's reaction last night ... he was really shaken. Would you believe that our house insurance had lapsed and wasn't going to be in "re" effect until February 15th?

So no monetary help for the smoke damage ... though that's really no big deal ... I'm sure I'll find some way to clean the house.

Wow ... it was a close call ... so how was your night?

Dreams

2010-02-02T11:33:00.002-05:00

I dreamed that I was blogging ... creating new blogs ... one which I might even follow up on as it will give me the satisfaction of writing writing (as opposed to haphazardly recording tidbits of history in a semi-robotic fashion). Guess the old subconscious is trying to tell me that I'm actually getting some kind of mental health benefit from adding blogging to my daily routine.

Stef had her callback yesterday ... feels pleased with her "performance" ... now it's the waiting game to see if she actually booked it or not. There doesn't appear to be any rhyme or reason behind choices most of the time ... so we don't really hold our breaths or anything like that.

Mel had a rough night last night ... actually called me around 1 AM, having woken from a very vivid, nightmare (which ironically is a side-effect of the drugs she takes to get her bi-polar symptoms under control) ... wasn't much I could do for her besides try and calm her down and comfort her.

Think she's coming over to spend the afternoon.

Just heard from Nicole ... her and 2 of her current roommates (Laura and Holly) are signing a lease today for off-campus housing for next year ... which means she'll be trying to find work in Guelph for the summer as the lease runs May to May. :( Bittersweet ...

It's cold as a witch's teat ... with an icy wind that just cuts through all your clothes and ices your bones! Doesn't help that there's no snow ... and unless it gets a tad milder, there will be no snow anytime soon.

Guelph Girls

2010-01-31T19:42:00.003-05:00

So ... another weekend draws to a close. It's been a good one ... a tad chilly what with the furnace acting up again ... but when there's enough people around ... the bodies create extra warmth or then again, maybe we're just so busy having fun that we don't notice the chill.

Maija slept over Friday night ... we watched the Squeakal for awhile ... but she wasn't as impressed or as engrossed as she was for the first. I guess even at 3 sequels aren't half as good as the first!! At some point around 11 PM, we invented a version of air hockey played on a white erase board ... and then came some pretty silly lullaby versions of "Hush little baby don't say a word ... Ginga's going to buy you a mockingbird ..." ... we had porcupines and kitty cats and balloons and all kinds of strange new words.

Got her to ballet on time Saturday morning ... Stefani spent the afternoon at Nico's house ... and I caught up on the laundry ... AND brought the library books back to their rightful home!

Today ... Nicole and Laura came down from Guelph. Nic cut Mel's hair ... and then gave Laura highlights and I cooked enough food for an army. Lucky Nic went home with tortilla soup, chicken, pork roast and half the liquor from our over-stocked, under-used supply!

Stefani got her Canada presentation done ... hope she gets a good mark, she certainly worked hard enough! Kyla and Stef just decided to walk to the corner store for some snacks ... gotta nibble on something as we watch the Grammy's.

Oh and yeah ... Stef got a callback tomorrow for that bread product / guitar hero commercial :)

Time surely does fly

2010-01-29T09:09:00.003-05:00

Already Friday ... where does the time go? It gets burnt up through all those everyday ordinary tasks ... laundry, housekeeping, cooking, working for $ ... it's a wonder that more of us don't wake up on retirement day wondering where the F$&%k our lives went ...

It's really cold today ... -20 ... brrrrr ... makes hibernation seem like a good idea. There's not even any snow so I can't fool myself into thinking that I love winter by doing something "winter-like".

Maija's coming over for a sleep-over tonight ... we're going to watch the new Alvin & The Chipmunks movie. Kyla's over for the weekend as well. And unless plans change, Nic's coming down from Guelph with her roommate Laura on Sunday. Should be a great weekend!

Stef had a last minute audition yesterday ... for a US commercial. For a bread product ... but the commercial has a "Guitar Hero" theme. Hoping for a callback at least ... we'll see.

Gotta' get that Fan Page up for her ... as well as MySpace or a website via Casting Workbook. But waiting on the final decision re headshot from her agent.

Okay ... time to get some work done! (BTW - library books still have not made it back!)

Everyday ordinary

2010-01-27T09:38:00.005-05:00

So yesterday's burning question had something to do with overdue items from the library and the local BlockBuster ... oh yes, and a certain mountain of laundry that keeps growing as it waits. Anyone want to venture a guess as to whether I followed through with my good intentions?

Are you kidding? The library books remain untouched (I think there may actually be a thin layer of dust gently coating the book covers) ... the videos remain in my handbag and I know of at least three or four additional pieces of laundry that joined the awaiting pile. The worst is, I don't even really have a good excuse. Time just kinda' slipped away from me.

The chili was delicious ... come to think of it, I didn't even wash all last night's supper dishes. What have I been doing instead?

I couldn't tell you .... just everyday ordinary with some daydreaming. (From the looks of things ... it may be more like daydreaming with some everyday ordinary thrown in for good measure!)

It's much colder today ... earlier when Stefani left for school there were great big snowflakes chasing each other across the sky. Dave's nursing (or should I say milking for all its worth?) a cold ... J had a "bad" day yesterday so he'll probably sleep until noon ... hoping to sleep his life away until he can find some measure of peace and security. I think Mel, Ang and Maija are coming over for a bit today ... they're talking (dreaming) of a Mexican vacation in March or April. Far be it from me to add a spoonful of sense into those daydreams ...

Okay ... so I've made myself feel guilty ... gonna go and get those dishes done, floors swept, surfaces dusted and then hit the office work ... I could be back and then again maybe not.

Ordinary

2010-01-26T14:51:00.002-05:00

... what makes today the same as any other day and/or different. The routine of life tends to turn the ordinary into a greyish pablum of sorts. Nothing stands out ... everything just flows as it always does (that is, until it stops flowing and then the complaining begins). For now ... everything is flowing.

Just another mild day by Toronto January standards ... busy with work, housework, the day to day. Got nothing to read ... need to get to the library ... I must owe at least $20 for the three books that remain sitting near the front door begging me to take them back. Maybe I'll do that today. (what are the chances I'll actually do it? ... tomorrow will tell). Which reminds me that I have three overdue videos from BlockBuster as well. Harrumpph ... I hate wasting money on late fees ... but I do it over and over again.

Have chili simmering on the stove for supper ... but haven't tackled the mountain of laundry that I know is waiting for me downstairs. Yesterday's excuse was grocery shopping ... what will I dream up today? I know ... I've got to go to the library!!

Smells like spring

2010-01-25T12:42:00.008-05:00

Another Monday ... a fresh week lies in front of us all. The weather has turned its dial to mild ... a gentle misty rain fell this morning ... leaving the air smelling like spring. (Have I mentioned that Toronto has no snow on the ground yet this winter?)

Between Dave's return ... a family dinner at Stef and Maija's favorite buffet restaurant - The Mandarin - the weekend ran its course. Stef had an audition on Saturday ... and a head shot session on Sunday.

Got the proofs (not colour corrected as of yet) ... and was taken aback at how much she's changed in nine months. Goes to show that we see the ones we love with our minds' eyes more often than not.

Wanna see?

The shot above was last year's headshot ... taken in May 2009 ...

... and here are the contenders for 2010

Catch up

2010-01-22T09:01:00.004-05:00

It's been a great week. Didn't get to the AGO or the ROM as we'd dreamed ... but it was a great week nevertheless. Lots of cuddles, Wii, dinners in bed ... even a "mental health" day off from school. Our plans were derailed by acting, naturally. It's a fact of life around here.

A handful of auditions ... and she booked her first commercial. Auditioned on Monday, heard back on Tuesday and shot on Wednesday. Great script (in the sense that I've seen it done before, and it makes for a great commercial) ... friendly extras and crew. Stefani had a ball!

The audition day didn't go as smoothly. I'd picked her up a little too late from school and was pressed for time heading downtown. Now Toronto has deadzone parking hours - between 3 PM and 5 PM. People are still at work so most of the parking is taken ... and the parking spots that are available can only be paid for until 5 PM (full price mind you ... yup ... the same price those working stiffs paid at 8:30 AM as they headed in to work). Well ... we couldn't find a spot anywhere ... and brilliant me, decided to dare to park on the street ... not any street ... King Street. Another important tidbit of information: all major streets allow no street parking between 4 PM and 6 PM (rush hour).

I decided to take the gamble that we'd be in and out of there in 15 minutes ... and the building was within sight of the parking spot I chose. In and out was about 25 minutes and upon exiting the building ... what did I see? A tow truck in front of my car!!! Stef and I booted it across the street and threw ourselves at the mercy of the smirking parking cop and the tow truck attendant. It took them a while but they crumbled (probably due to the fact that poor Stef was freaking and crying). When we'd arrived the car was already hoisted ... and probably had already been called in to the impound lot ... but ... Stef saved the day!

And I learned a lesson ... I won't be doing that anymore!

Melanie was released ... and seems to have stabilized somewhat. I went over to her house yesterday to give it a clean (they still had Christmas decorations and their tree up). I truly believe that a state of mind can be affected by the state of order or disorder surrounding you and vice versa.

Dave comes home tonight ... I'm picking him up at the airport at 2 AM. Stef's got an audition Saturday afternoon ... and getting new head shots on Sunday ... so the weekend is already looking pretty booked.

So today's catch up day for me ....

All the things we said ...

2010-01-19T23:48:00.001-05:00

I've always been a sucker for a pretty voice ... and a great song!

Is there order in chaos?

2010-01-16T11:02:00.003-05:00

For someone who has considered herself, somewhat more creative than the average human, I've got to admit that I'm much more linear than I'd like to admit. I confess that I've smugly admired the "mess" of my home office or less than pristine home at times because these disheveled states of disorder proved to me somehow that I was creative and not one of "those" (sneer) logical, linear thinkers. Of course, to feel that smug, I naturally chose to forget that I've excelled at event and project management ... work that depends on attention to detail, linear critical paths ...

oh brother ... I'm just another sheep in wolf's clothing ... a linear, logical person masquerading as a creative, free spirit. (I guess that makes me a slob as well)

So where did these thoughts spring from? I noticed that I was trying to sort responses into some kind of order: where should I post my reply? what should I respond to first?

Hey ... maybe that's been my biggest problem all along ... trying to order chaos ... unable to let go and go with the flow

Dave left for his yearly guys' golf trip yesterday (I think there's close to 30 of them this year) ... I love this week ... it's as much a "vacation" for me as it is for him. It's a slumming, play it by ear week for Stef and I. On the agenda ... the ROM and the AGO ... the when is unsure. We've got to be downtown on Monday for an audition, the ROM would be a good idea after that with maybe supper at some new place before that. We'll see ...

Daytime snoozing

2010-01-12T12:38:00.002-05:00

It's so quiet, I can hear the gears churning as I think. After close to a month of daily noise and chaos ... I'm somewhat taken aback this morning by the silence. I can hear the click,clicking of my fingers on the keyboard echo through the room ... and I'd forgotten the sounds the house makes when it's cold outside.

Woke up with a headache this morning ... I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights. And, I've been fighting the impulse to curl back under the covers all morning. I've been having this debate for the last hour or so ... you know one cartoonish good Gail on one shoulder ... another more devilish one on the other ... yes, no, yes, no ...

Heck ... here I am blogging about it ... guess who won?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Writing for posterity ...

2010-01-11T10:34:00.003-05:00

i wonder if those of us who do a lot of writing for posterity do it because we have egos or hearts or minds or some part or a combination of all that want more attention than they get or because we have a timeless collective consciousness sense of sharing with humanity and instinctively know that until cellular memory is tapped into, recorded history is the best way to pass along knowledge, experience, and life to others..

I guess there’s more than one way to write for posterity ... depending on how literally or figuratively you want to look at it. I may not put down into black words on white paper (or the technological equivalent) the story of my life. But I am writing my life for posterity, nevertheless. My life story lives within the DNA passed on to my children, in the memories forged: remembered or forgotten, in the lives I've changed along the way: good or bad, in my carbon footprint if nothing else ...

We do what we can with the hand we've been dealt ... and all of us have a yearning to write it all down for posterity. Be it recorded on paper, on blogs or in journals ... or through family life. Those who literally write ... yearn for partners or children or family. Those who have family ... yearn for time to write.

The life written by the writer ... is a personal story written in the first person ... deep and in depth ... a documentary examining details and minutia. The life written by the other ... is a compilation of short stories, tidbits from here and there ...

I'm not saying anything new ... and I realize that neither option is better than the other. But I do know that I've spent a lot of time, pining for the time and energy to write at will. But who was I fooling? That was simply a case of the "grass being greener" ... I wouldn't trade this hand of mine. I've been playing it for far too long ...

Sunday, Sunday ...

2010-01-10T21:01:00.004-05:00

... so the day begain, cold and icy as the alarm clock shrilled at 7:30 am (mind you ... Nic guilted me into playing wii with her until at least 1:30 am ... and though I do not believe all the notions of growing old ... this body does need a little more than 6 hours of sleep to function at its peak ... after more than a week of going to bed closer to 2:00 am) ...

... got Nicole to Guelph safely ... took her grocery shopping ... and then headed home with Mel. Did Mel's laundry while the girls (Kyla was down for the weekend as well) played Scrabble ... and then, of course, the necessary Band Hero. I've gotta' admit ... I kinda' like being a rock star for an hour or two ... I play a mean guitar :)

Pizza for supper ... got Melanie back to the ward ... picked up some groceries to make it through the week. Kyla and Stefani went to see the "new" Alvin & The Chipmunks movie ... Dave's gone to pick them up. I'm unwinding here ...

I've made it through the weekend without biting anyone's head off ... BUT ... there's some bitter anger broiling just beneath the surface.

Weekends ...

2010-01-09T23:31:00.002-05:00

gotta love them ... mini breaks from reality or the day-to-day drudgery of the work week ... or so I like to fool myself. Sometimes I think, that more work actually gets done on Saturday than the whole week combined ... housework and family work that is.

10 loads of laundry today ... folded, some ironed and all put away. Floors. Dusting. Dishes. A handful of "taxi" rides. Half of a report for work. Meals. Cleaned the hamster cage.

And in between all that and more ... I managed to play Band Hero and Super Mario with the kids.

Tomorrow, I'm driving Nic to Guelph ... it's back to school for her. Mel's got a day pass so she'll come along for the ride. Maybe I'll get some rest in there somewhere ...

TGIF?

2010-01-08T10:15:00.003-05:00

Thank god it's Friday?

To tell you the truth, I'm more of a TGIM (as in thank god it's Monday) person myself ... and if I ever sank so low as to complain about Monday ... I was lying.

Friday signals the end of a week drawing to its close ... and I've never really liked endings ... prefer beginnings ... fresh starts. (and please don't tell me that beginnings are built on endings ... I know, I know ... I just don't wish to stuck talking about endings) ...

Monday is like a fresh page in a notebook ... a new canvas on the easel ... I'm sure you get my drift.

Speaking of endings and beginnings ... I found myself thinking about family as I was knitting away in bed last night (a winter hat, in case you're curious) watching Law and Order SVU trying, without much success, to keep my mind from going anywhere too deep. (You'd think with all that activity that I would have been successful ... harrumph)

Somewhere, at some point in my musings ... I realized that I am in mourning. Mourning the "old" Jonathan and the "old" Melanie ... realizing that some of the characteristics that made them both so special and delightful ... are now categorized as symptoms of their disease. The drugs prescribed have dampened their spirits, dulled their eyes and changed "them" ...

And I am unsure of who these new people are ...

And I miss their "spark" ...

I hate this disease ... I hate its "remedy" ...

Just another reason to dislike Fridays ....

Two posts in one day?

2010-01-07T11:24:00.001-05:00

... and in less than two hours? Oh no, it's the "feast or famine" syndrome rearing its ugly head again!!

... just thought I'd pick a new template for a new year ...

How does that happen?

2010-01-07T10:14:00.003-05:00

Nine months have flown by !! I knew that I had sadly neglected this blog and my ramblings ... but a whole nine months?? It's a shame ... so much has happened ... so many memories that didn't get posted for posterity's sake ...

But that's what New Year's resolutions are for? Right? ... (are you laughing along with me? I hope you are ...) Okay ... so here's hoping that 2010 is the year I manage to stick to my guns and visit this place regularly.

To tell you the truth, I almost succumbed to a habit of mine ... that of abandoning what had been started and starting anew somewhere else. And yes, I went so far as to create a new blog and a different blog site ... named it and all ... picked out a fancy theme ... and yes ... wrote a draft first posting. But the words weren't flowing and I felt like a traitor ...

So I came back ... like the cat (well not exactly like the cat ... because the cat came back the very next day ... and well there's no way in any stretch of the imagination that I can make manipulate nine months into becoming a day) ... and there's a certain satisfaction in knowing that this nine month silence does accurately depict me and my state of being. For I've been know to drop out or drop off the face of the earth for a spell or two ...

So here I am ... back again ... for however long I manage to keep this promise to myself.

So how does this happen? It's the same old story ... life gets the better of me ... and I put it off once for a day or two ... which stretches into a week .... then two months ... and then even the thought is buried so deep under the to-do lists of life that it takes some kind of earthquake or cleansing to remember ... or something like that.

I seem to come back to the written word whenever stress hits me in the face. This time it's Mel ... recently diagnosed as bi-polar (that makes two ... and one not diagnosed, yet BP for sure) and back in the psych ward for the second time.

It's funny how us humans adjust to just about anything ... for on one level I'm taking all of this in stride ... been there, done that ... but I know that just below the surface a seething cauldron of stress, anxiety and questions bubble and toil.

I can't help thinking about Maija's comment spoken when she overheard that Mel was in the hospital. She looked at her dad and said, "Mom's in the hospital?" ... and waited for his reply. She walked over to Ang and said, "Do you work today Dad?" (he works at the airport in logistics) ... when he said "yes" ... she looked at him really seriously and said, "well, then be careful, don't get hit by a plane."

Guess you had to be there.

So what else is new? Finally heard from Will after a six month silence (like mother, like son), Stefani was the lead in a feature this summer and a few indie shorts headed for festivals ... the last nine months have been crazy busy for our little movie star ... Nic made it through first semester at Guelph U ... and transfered into Arts & Sciences (she was in Arts) for semester Two ... Jonathan seems to have more good days than bad ... but still lives in his own world ... Dave's retiring this September ... and I'm ...

the glue that holds it all together?

I guess that's what makes me come back when things are tougher ... for a reality check ... or a means to prove to myself that things aren't all that bad ... that there is light at the end of the tunnel ...

We'll see ....

I'm glad to be back ...

It looks like a duck, walks like a duck ...

2009-03-16T11:38:00.002-04:00

... so it must be a duck right?

So okay ... I'm going to let myself believe that spring has sprung based on the last three days of incredible weather. Once again, another day has dawned bright and sunny and warm. I am always amazed at how spring-time sun always seems like a new discovery after a harsh, cold, dim Canadian winter. Like the buds on the trees ... or the crocuses and other early spring shoots that I know are just under the surface of the gardens around me, just waiting to poke their heads out ... I can feel spring awakening within. And it's a glorious feeling ...

So it's March Break! Stefani's home and looking forward to playing with Jessica all week. So far the week looks promising with nothing major scheduled. For the sake of riding bicycles, skipping, hopscotch and drawing ginormous chalk designs on the road ... I hope her schedule remains open!

I've been up since 6:30 ... got a report done by 9 AM. Which leaves me some time this afternoon to give voice to some of my springtime urges ... as in cleaning. I LOVE spring cleaning ... it's like a ritual of renewal.

and so it goes ...

2009-03-15T09:36:00.002-04:00

Been up since 7 AM ... Stefani's got her headshot photo shoot today ... I've got a Strategic Issues Report due by the end of the day (yup ... you read that right ... a Sunday deadline). The week's been busy with auditions, auditions, auditions ... and then I had to find time to do all the regular stuff ... like earn a paycheque, laundry, clean, cook, be a mother to other children, be a grandmother, be a wife ...

So heed my words of caution ... if your child wants to be a star ... a singer ... an actor ... an international soccer sensation ... understand going in that the whole family's focus shifts. And sometimes it can be disorienting as hell !

No more time ... I'm off to blow dry her hair, pack the outfits, stop at an ATM on my way downtown ...

... and so it goes ...

Life goes on ...

2009-03-10T10:36:00.001-04:00

up and down and around ... then up and down and around again.

Just following the schedule ... trying to get everything fit perfectly into each day. Stefani had a call-back for the commercial she auditioned for last week. Not quite as much fun for her this time as it was mainly a "type" go-see. Girls were seen in groups of three or more and asked to shake a bottle and then act surprised. "Thank you ... don't call us ... we'll call you!

It's a strange industry ... how anyone stays sane with all the rejection and focus on the right "look" is beyond me. So far, Stefani is doing great as she focuses on the acting (or singing) ... and when she isn't asked to act (like yesterday) she's a little bummed. And so far, the minute she leaves the audition ... it's done and gone. She's onto tomorrow.

We're getting new head shots done this weekend ... which cost a pretty penny ... but every agent requires them. Casting directors and producers make their initial choices based on headshots and the agent's recommendation ... BUT ... once into the audition process ... their black and white polaroid-like picture taken onsite is what is used to pick and choose, select and de-select.

Had a great conversation with one of the "father" actors when Stefani was in being seen ... he had noted that Stefani was not "type" yesterday ... and then explained how that was both a good thing and a bad thing. Apparently the industry, books a commercial on a narrow "type" that is being sought. But a good director will call-back two or three non-types to ensure that his /her decision was well-founded or to possibly go against type. Those non-types are usually actors who have piqued the director's curiosity or a type they personally like.

Stefani being non-type was quite apparent, once pointed out to me ... since of the 20 girls that got called back from the original 220: 18 were "pale, girl next door types, long straight hair, shy looking" ... and then there was Stefani ... and a friend of hers Eliana (who is probably one of the most gorgeous 10 year old girls I have ever met ... thick, wavy, long dark brown hair ... fine features with a touch of Spanish-like flair) ...

So much to learn ... from an industry that seems to thrive on mixed messages and secrecy and back-room shenanigans ..

Free time ...

2009-03-07T08:42:00.003-05:00

Saturday ... usually I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off ... fitting in daily life stuff and chores, left-overs from work and Stef's workshops and/or auditions.

But Stef isn't feeling well today ... stuffed nose, slight fever and is lounging in bed resting ... and me? Well I've got a day filled with hours, minutes and seconds that I didn't think would be there when I awoke this morning ...

Whee ... hope I use them wisely!

Temperatures rising ...

2009-03-06T08:56:00.003-05:00

16 C ... is the forecast for today ... I can smell the warmth in the air! Ahhh ... sweet blessings!
------------------

Don't know where the day went ... so okay I do: work, shopping, more work, paying bills ...

I did get a chance to get outside and enjoy the warmth, the sunshine and the absence of snow in the front yard ... but the day seemed to melt under the weight of all my "to do's".

Nic and Dave had an argument over her boyfriend (long story, same story) which didn't end well or should I say, didn't end. Nic took off for the weekend (as planned) albeit in tears ... and Dave stayed angry.

He's such a dinosaur sometimes ... and gets stuck in the "golden years" where parents said "...because I said so." ... and kids listened. Maybe that still happens ... but not in this house, I raised these children to question, to ask, to argue if need be ... to expect logic and explanation. And that sometimes drives Dave crazy.

... and the birds twitter and sing ...

2009-03-05T09:41:00.004-05:00

... golden sunlight streams through the windows, the temperature is lazily making its way to more northern numbers (yeah!) and my mood seems to be less snow-banked as well ...

Scooters was fun last night ... there were only a handful of people so at times it felt we had the entire roller-rink to ourselves. Even Maija had a blast with her pink FisherPrice roller skates ... squealing "I can do this!" to anyone who would listen. Now that's kind of a first as her favorite sentence in the whole wide world is "I can't do it" (with the emphasis on the "can't").

--------------------------

Busy day ... lots of work and then off to a commercial audition for Stef. Good thing I left early because the office we were looking for was hidden in some decrepit industrial / auto wrecking section of Richmond Street West. Speaking of Richmond Street ... it has a split personality .. it is a one way street that decides after a while ... to become a one-way the other way! Anyways, I found a place to park (nothing short of miraculous at 4:30 in Toronto) ... and Stef and I walked the 5 or 6 zigzaggy blocks and eventually made it there.

The audition was for a product yet unknown ... and the auditions were booked by 10 minute intervals in groups of father-actor, mother-actor and child-actor. Stefani and I looked around the room and picked out who logically should have been preselected as her "parents" ... and sure enough, we were right!! Whatever happens ... she had a blast. She commented to me on the way home ... "you know Mom, it even felt like he was my Dad when we were doing the scene!" ...

... and while on "family" topics ... guess who decided out of the blue to try and reconnect with the kids after 12 years?? Aunt Linda ... I fear she's not getting the warm and fuzzy reception that she may have hoped to receive.

Unconcious Mutterings ...

2009-03-04T15:08:00.002-05:00

Pain :: Advil

Lego :: blocks

Trooper :: State

Flicker :: flame

Character :: role

Determined :: set

Wing :: broken

Control :: freak

9. Automatic :: weapon

10. Yeah :: happy dance

Just some Unconcious Mutterings

So you want to be a rock star ...

2009-03-04T11:31:00.003-05:00

Tried this out for some fun this morning while I procrastinated and didn't get the work I needed to get done ...

1. BAND NAME: Go to "wikipedia." Hit "random article" ...the first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

My band: Litchfield Township

2. ALBUM TITLE: Go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 ... the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

My album title: If Everything Depended on Man

3. COVER ART: Go to flickr and click on "explore the last sevendays"or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover

My album cover:

So ... what about you?

Straight out of our house ...

2009-03-04T08:24:00.002-05:00

From the pages of the book I'm reading at the moment - "Still Alice" - Lisa Genova - something that definitely could have been written by me ...

"She followed his frantic glance to the fireplace mantle where the antique Waltham clock, valued for its precision, declared 8:00. He should have known better than to trust it. The clocks in their home rarely knew the real time of day. Alice had been duped too often in the past by their seemingly honest faces and had learned long ago to rely on her watch. Sure enough, she lapsed back in time as she entered the kitchen, where the microwave insisted that it was only 6:52."

Not so furbulous ...

2009-03-04T07:58:00.004-05:00

Melanie called last night just before American Idol (yes ... we determine time according to this TV Classic on Tuesdays and Wednesdays ... how do you think Stefani's thoughts of stardom crystallized?) ... to rant and lament about work life at the "bear factory".

It appears that the squeaky clean, berry merry, furbulous place is just a tad too sweet and boring for her tastes. Eight days into excruciatingly slow and nursery rhyme filled sales conversations with her "peers" and she's ready to pull the hair out of her head! And to think that she took out her nose piercing out permanently for those folks.

We've all been there ... realizing we've made a mistake ... appreciating that the grass is definitely not greener ... and wondering what drugs we were on when we thought it was.

My heart went out to her ... she's such a people person and a good manager ... and to find herself already stagnating, not fitting in and so unhappy is sad. Not much I could do or say ... except advise her to put her misgivings aside for a while longer ... things could change, right? And to keep her eyes out for something else ... there's no shame in realizing that despite all the profiling and personality indexes this place used in their hiring process ... she is not a fit!

Doesn't matter how old your kids are ... you still want to fight their battles.

So it's another frigid day here in the Great White North ... to think I had the audacity to use the S word last week (spring). Dave's at work ... Stefani has an ice-skating afternoon at school ... but still wants to go to Scooter's (roller rink) after school as planned with me and Nic. We've invited Maija so it may be another interesting adventure.

------------------------------

So it's much later ... I've fooled around a bit this afternoon ... still finding time to squeeze in two teleconferences for work. It was report card day ... and we were all very proud of Stef who managed 4 A's. A's are hard to come by since Ontario revamped its curriculum!

And if that wasn't enough ... a quick check of my email alerted us to an audition for a commercial tomorrow at 5 PM. Now isn't having an agent grand?

Treated Stef, Nic and J to McDonald's ... and we're preparing to head out to Scooter's for some inline blading fun.

See ... Chester See

2009-03-03T12:08:00.000-05:00

I absolutely love this Disney kid ...

Sometimes ...

2009-03-03T10:34:00.002-05:00

I wish that my mind was crystal clear and that my writing muse was sparkling and witty and ready to flabber the gast of anyone reading ... that clever titles and puns just poured from my fingertips through the keyboard keys into this little white posting box ...

but alas and alack ... those moments are few and far between ...

and instead I fall back on summarized tidbits of my daily bread life.

I write so that I can remember me ... and not find myself at a loss when the nest finds itself empty. For a mother mothers ... and mothering takes time and energy and effort and focus and sometimes all of me. And a good mother lets go when it's time to let go ... and then what does she do?

Guess it's a combination of the remnants of a conversation online and Dave's musings last night about what he was going to do with himself post-retirement (2010, I believe ... but he's pushed that back a couple of times already ... so I can't be 100% sure) ... that has me pondering what I will do when I grow up? ... when all the children have grown?

Okay ... so I may be starting this a little early to some ... but bear in mind that I have 2 already flown ... 1 nursing his wings but independent nevertheless ... another testing her wings ... another who has flown back to another nest ... and then Stef who's only 8.5 years old going on 35.

I will not be the kind of mother that clips wings or keeps her little ones in the nest for too long. And that ... is a test of will in itself.

But what does a mother do when there's no more or less mothering to fill her time, her life ... mother others? adopt? relax?

Someday I'll figure it out ... and I promise I'll let you know.

Sometimes Mondays are great!

2009-03-02T10:34:00.004-05:00

It's Cold with a capital "C" ... minus 18C without wind chill factored in. There's not a cloud in the sky ... and the blue is as blue as a sky ever gets. For those of us who live in the Great White North, we don't have to look at the thermometer or even cross the threshold of the front door after looking out the window onto a clear, crisply blue sky ... we know it means Cold with a capital "C" ... hopefully some clouds will come rolling in later today ... as the news this morning made note of a snow system that is currently covering the north eastern US in white. Apparently they've cancelled all flights to New York ... Baltimore ... Boston leaving Pearson this morning.

Personally I'd prefer the snow to the cold ...

So I'm sitting here ... coffee by my side ... planning the rest of my day. Gotta pick up Stef at 11:30 from school ... she's got an agency audition this afternoon. I was a good girl and got most of my Monday workload taken care of over the weekend. Nic's at work ... J's doing his J thing ... and Dave's focussing on car sales today after having come home from 24 at the firehall.

Though I rant about routine ... there's something rather comforting and peaceful about routine, the familiar, a schedule that unfolds as planned

----------------------------

It's later ... almost time to tuck ourselves into bed. Stefani's audition was amazing ... she now has a big-time Canadian agent.

So ... okay I'm not really objective ... but I did watch 4 cynical business people get wrapped around Stef's little finger. Her cold read even amazed me ... and had these agents applauding and telling her that she was indeed an "actor" ... and that her talent could not be "learnt" it was natural ... they were high-fiving and gushing when 15 minutes prior they were practically yawning and bleary-eyed.

No pressure ... they explained the details of the contract ... had faith that we would sign and return it to their offices ... could hardly wait for us to add their agency information to Stef's castingworkbook folder. As a "stage mother" ... I could hear the cash registers cha-ching-ing in their minds. And lucky for Stef ... that's what you look for in an agent ... someone who knows or thinks they can make $$ having you on their roster!

Another baby-step on the way to stardom! She's got the development deal ... a management contract ... now the agent (and a few "huge-time" US agents waiting til she becomes eligible for an O-Visa).

Next week - professional head shots. Found a few really good head shot photographers through the Actra website ... have booked consultations this week and will go with whomever convinces me that they can capture Stef's essence on film.

Naturally ... we had to celebrate ... so Dave and I took Stef to the Pickle Barrel. Now for those of you who don't know ... the Pickle Barrel, until today, has been a girl's only place (don't think Dave even knew where it was located) ... so it was steak for Dave and Stef ... I had stir fry.

And of course, there were the screaming calls to Mel and Nic to share the good news ... all in all ... a very good day and a great start to the week!

More of the same ...

2009-03-01T10:13:00.002-05:00

Been up for hours already ... it's frigid outside (-14 C without wind chill factored in). Drove Nic to work at 7:00 a.m. ... got Dave ready for work right after ... drove Ali (Nic's boyfriend was down from McMaster for the weekend ... did I forget to mention that?) to the Go Station about 15 minutes ago. Have a few hours before I have to go pick Nic up at work ...

I'll have to remind Nic again to go get the paperwork to get her license reinstated (she had her license suspended when she was suffering from fainting spells last year ... but a thorough examination of every inch of her body and brain discovered nothing majorly wrong except for a slight heart murmur to keep an eye on) ... I'd much prefer to give her the car than to play taxi driver.

So outside of a late workshop at 5 p.m. for Stefani and homework supervision ... there's really nothing on my plate today outside of routine stuff: laundry, some cleaning ... maybe some work catch-up.

I like the feeling of having "free" time ... even though it's not really free and passes far too quickly.

Memories of Saturday ...

2009-03-01T10:07:00.003-05:00

Yesterday passed in a flash ... up early ... out on the road (sounds more "romantic" than "the Gardiner") by 11:30 a.m ... two workshops for Stefani. During that time, I browsed the art shop next door, wandered the streets to take some photos, read a bit, people watched, chatted with some of the other moms (something I usually avoid ... now I remember why) ...

Then back in the car ... all the way to the other end of Mississauga to Scooter's Roller Palace ... Stefani had a birthday party to attend. I did some grocery shopping while she rolled ... but I managed to get back early to watch her. Supper was home fajitas ... chicken, steak and hamburg.

Laundry ... a movie (old favorite - Jim Carey "Liar, liar") ... and then zzzz's ...

If No One Will Listen ...

2009-02-27T15:22:00.003-05:00

Covers never do justice to the original in my mind ... (sorry Kelly ... as in Clarkson).

Spring time showers?

2009-02-27T09:01:00.005-05:00

It's one of those mornings ... grey, rainy and damp. Very springlike (that's twice ... oops three times counting the title ... in two days that I've dared to invoke the gods of Spring ... I can be cheeky that way).

In hindsight I realize that I should have sent Stefani to school with her raincoat on and not her red riding hood coat (that's what she calls it ... a red melton cloth winter jacket a la red riding hood). Even though duck boots are the rage this year ... can't get her to even consider them!

It's that kid thing ... you know ... that which requires a kid to rebel against anything Mom or Dad suggest ... especially when it comes to outward appearance.

I can remember Mel's purple hair days (daze? lol) ... it took all I had to bite my tongue as she changed the colour of her hair on an almost weekly basis. I think we saw the entire spectrum ... Bozo orange, yellow, pink, red, blue, violet, purple, black, green ... oh yes, and when the purple faded, for about a week her hair was a ghastly shade of lavenderish grey. In fact, her graduation photo proudly attests that fact.

As for Will and J ... by the time they were 12 or so ... if I purchased the article of clothing, it was not going to be worn. It didn't matter if it was the right brand name, the right colour ... I think it had something to do with how long I had held the clothes without laundry being involved.

Nic, on the other hand ... and Kyla, as well ... seem to have no issue with my "fashion assistance". Bless their souls ...

With Stef it's hit or miss ... she has an initial distaste for anything that was selected without her input ... but once the clothes are on, and she thinks she looks good ... it's all water under the bridge.

Okay ... so maybe it's not just a kid thing ... I have a mountain of clothes that were purchased for me that I rarely wear. Something about them is just not quite "me". Come on ... a purple velour leisure suit? I think I'll save that for the nursing home!

Only two people have ever managed to buy for me and come out victorious ... Melanie and Bugs.
It has something to do with truly knowing who the person is ... and thinks they are ... and matching those with a "style" ... garments that are flattering and speak to those ideals. I guess that's why the automatic reaction to a faux pas purchase is more often than not ... "that's just not me"....

Okay ... to loop this all up ... I guess it's not a kid's thing at all. It's about the parent imposing on a child their sense of who that child is. Seems I've done okay with the females of the household ... disaster when it comes to the males ...

Who'd think that a ramble about clothes and fashion ... could lead to such depth?

My boys ... *sigh* ... I really tried ... but I know I wasn't able to give them what they really needed ... I still am not sure if I even could ... maybe they needed something beyond me. A father maybe?

Shades of the amazing speech Will shared at Mel's wedding ... about a single mother who worked too many hours to keep a roof over their head, sickness and adversity ... and the fact that he was only beginning to come to terms with it all ...

*sigh*

so maybe it's not

2009-02-26T16:13:00.002-05:00

... a problem with sticktuitiveness ... it's an addiction problem (does that mean I should go out there and look for a 12-step program?) ... it's the inability to walk the "moderation" line.

... I love writing and reading ... and thinking ... and responding ... and questioning ... and questing ... and searching ... and laughing ... and asking again ... and writing ... and reading (did I already say that?) ... so much so, that I could probably do nothing else and be perfectly content for an eon or two (I figure at that point my eyes, finger tips and buttocks might need a rest).

... therefore when I allow myself the pleasure of luxuriating in written wonder ... I'm that kid who can't (or won't) stop gorging just in case it all gets taken away. I operate under the premise of just "five more minutes" ... which quickly becomes another 30 ... 60 ... or more.

... what I need is the power of moderation ... internal discipline ... trust that this "candy" will not vanish or be taken away without warning ... and pace myself with a routine of xx amount of minutes a day.

... but I bet you can already see the problem with that "bribe" ... how much time is satisfying enough? 5 minutes ... 30 minutes ... an hour?

.... hmmm ... an hour doesn't seem half bad ... maybe I can self-commit to an hour a day ... no matter what and stop this feast or famine ... up and down ... here and there sporadic cycle of mine.

(I'll let you know if it works ... otherwise I'll undoubtedly have to resort to a 12-step program)

Could it be ...

2009-02-26T10:14:00.002-05:00

... could it truly be ... the beginning of the end of winter? It's actually mild enough today ... that I have the patio door open ... just a little ... to let some of the stale air out and some fresh air in. And as I was opening the door ... I was greeted by the happy twittering of birds in the neighbour's yard. Surely that's a sign of better, warmer days to come!

Whether it's due to global warming or earth cycles ... Toronto now has a "real" winter ... snow that has to be shovelled. When I first arrived in this city, I was dismayed by its brown, slushy version of winter. Though not my favorite season ... I do like a snowy winter ... otherwise its just an extended cold fall ... or a prolonged icy spring.

Like most people I know ... I prefer the warmth ... but I would find it hard to live somewhere where there was not four distinct seasons. Wonder if I'll still be saying that what I'm 75 and my bones ache when it's cold and/or wet?

Laxative effects ...

2009-02-25T10:03:00.002-05:00

I must have hit the nail on the head the other day ... because I'm back to my old routine of coming here before noon. My brain can't seem to come up with anything other than a constipated / laxative simile (metaphor?) ... could that be influenced by Dave's recent colonoscopy? lol

It's unbelievably quiet this morning ... only sound is the tapping of the computer keys as I write. Don't have any music on ... as I can't decide what I want to listen to ... the playlist on my Ipod has been overplayed ... and I'm not in the mood for the randomly weird selections of the radio ... or worse, top 40. I go through these phases with music ... sometimes for months I know exactly what to listen to, to match my moods ... or I get obsessed with a certain artist or album (do they still call them albums?) ... and then at other times, like this ... it's difficult to find anything that doesn't flag as "overplayed" ...

Maybe I'll just drink in the silence ...as I've been known to complain about sensory overload when the house is in full swing.

Nicole received acceptance letters from 3 out of the 5 universities she applied to yesterday. Only problem is ... that her top 2 universities (the ones yet unheard from) don't get back to you until April .... and 2 of the 3 who've sent her acceptances need answers by March (along with the necessary deposit). Wonder what she'll do? Bottom-line, as she's taking general arts ... I don't think it really matters where she goes ... but it will be fun to watch the drama of her decision-making. She's my drama queen ... followed closely by Stef (of course) ...

Melanie started at Build-a-Bear yesterday. She called during her break to share what a "happy-happy" place it was ... and that she was silly to have been worried. She likes to pretend that she thrives on conflict and chaos as I do ... but really ... she's a "don't worry, be happy" person ... and she's found her niche. My guess is that her store will be beating all sales records within the next six months.

When she announced her departure from Strbx ... she had customers giving her good-bye presents!! Now is that the sign of a customer-service guru ... or what??

When I try to imagine myself working at Build-a-Bear ... I find myself laughing out loud at the mental pictures that come to mind ... within a few hours I'd be shoving half stuffed bears at people shouting ... take you $&^!!! bear! Patience has never been my strong suit ... nor dealing with idiots ...

For the longest time ... I had myself pegged as a tolerant, patient, kind, people-loving kind of person ... you know warm and fuzzy. How does a brain do that? Let you believe something that really isn't true? Anyways ... I know better now ... I'm rather cool, direct, sometimes intimidating and don't suffer fools (which in some moods is most everybody) ...

Am I arrogant? I don't think so ... but I'll give it some thought ...

Boils down to not really being mid-management material ... you know, managing lots of people and lots of personal issues ... probably why I wasn't happy until I climbed a few more notches ... so that I could manage files and projects and campaigns and departments and organizations. Facts and figures, things and dollars ... not primarily people-driven.

Don't get me wrong ... I don't hate people, nor am I as intolerant as I may sound ... I simply am choosy ... don't need to make friends with everyone I meet ... don't like small talk and letting the personal bleed into work ...

Hmmm ... I'm sounding more and more Finnish each day ... lol. Finns are known as "cold fish" ... not a very friendly nation UNTIL someone decides to befriend you and then you're practically family.

After all ... that's how I was raised ...

What is it about water?

2009-02-24T18:15:00.004-05:00

... hot, almost scalding water ... bubbles with some citrusy or lavender-ish scent ... yup, it's the stereo-typical Calgon commercial ... (but come to think of it ... though I love to escape and rejuvenate in a bubble bath ... I never really liked the scent or the bubbles of Calgon. For truly amazing bubbles ... nothing will ever beat good old Mr. Bubbles ... as for scent ... I'm a sucker for Lush products) ...

Tonight's treat (well it's really not night ... but somehow I'm ahead of schedule on everything today including my bath) ... was called "Blizzard" ... a white sparkly fizzy ball that filled the bathroom with the most delicious smell (can't quite figure out what it is ... some soft flowery scent) ... and turned the water milky white before covering itself with a thick blanket of tiny little glittery bubbles ...

Read two chapters ... and luxuriated for what was at least an hour ... didn't worry about the phone or the dog. I could hear Stefani singing in her bedroom (but then again ... when doesn't she sing?) ... and once or twice heard J laugh at something on the Comedy Channel. Sounds of a peaceful home ...

The only problem with having taken a bath so early in the evening is that I'm ready for bed ... squeaky clean, relaxed and still tingly from the warm water.

(... and I did crawl into bed ... with my book and the TV ... and was soon joined by Stef and Peanut Butter ... Dave's in Sudbury ... so I guess it was "girl's night")

Transparencies ...

2009-02-23T10:25:00.003-05:00

OMG ... three posts on the same day!! Has the earth shifted on its axis? Has Jupiter aligned with Mars? ... guess I'm holding true to my life-long pattern of feast or famine.

All kidding aside ... a stray thought just tickled at the edges of my grey matter and I thought I'd give it a look-see ....

I've got a full life ... lots of people and happenings and drama and sadness and joy ... and yet, I often find myself with nothing to say (or so I tell myself). I wander the blog-web world and read about the ups and downs of others whose lives are not as populated as mine ... and find that they never seem to find themselves with a lack of things to say ... or comments to make. So what is it with me?

A natural reticence? Shyness that transcends physical space and follows me here? ... something sillier or more dark and mysterious?

Do I really believe that "an unexamined life is not worth living" (Socrates ... for those who want to know) ... or do I just mouth the words because they make me seem smart and deep?

Am I hiding something from myself? Auto-censoring so that I remain calm and collected ... never appearing overly happy, sad, upset, mad, frustrated, excited ... keeping myself in check, a controlled calm regardless of what may be boiling beneath?

And if so ... what purpose does it serve ... or perhaps I should be asking ... what purpose have I convinced myself that it serves ... living behind this calm mask of words ... well chosen to only give as much information as I think I should give ... superficial transparencies that amount to window dressing?

Fly away home ...

2009-02-23T08:18:00.003-05:00

... so Kyla decided "out of the blue" to return to her mom's home. No big deal ... though it's starting to feel like a game of musical homes.

And I guess I'm lying when I say "no big deal" ... because we're all slightly bent out of shape and she's been gone a week.

It's not the fact that she went back to her mother's ... I think we all knew that was inevitable ... it's the way she went about the whole thing that rankles. One day she was making plans with Stef and Nic and I ... the next day, she was announcing her departure.

And now all we're left with is a pile of discarded clothes ... a few messages on Facebook ... and the stench of lies and half-truths.

I can't help but wonder if the so-called pregnancy scare earlier in the month was simply an end to a means that back-fired. A plan that assumed that her father would "throw her out" upon finding this out ... it certainly seems a little coincidental that her departure was within days of this ....

I'm still trying to find out what really bothers me about all this ... am I mourning a loss? a perceived failure? rejection? all of the above? or something else?

Oh no ... I'm going to say it again ... time will tell ...

Lists

2009-02-23T08:07:00.003-05:00

I have a friend who I believed to be obsessed with lists ... he tracked everything ... well, at least everything that the hours in a day would permit. I recall his bemoaning not being able to track as much he wanted and/or the lack of historical data.

I, on the other hand, kept no lists ... well, that's not exactly true ... every now and again, I would start a list ... and then as a result of procrastination or sheer laziness or being overwhelmed would stop ... and the list would wither and die somewhere unattended.

Lately, I've found myself drawn to list-making ... not the typical to-do list (I've always kept those ... there's something so inherently pleasing about crossing something off a list ... how could I resist?) ... I mean lists of movies, books and other sundry items. I'm doing not bad at all at recording ... but ...

The sheer act of recording movies watched or books read ... brings a slightly bitter taste to my mouth ... as every time I add a new book or movie ... I can't help but remember all the movies viewed and books read that have not made it to my list.

Inevitably this leads to a mini self-discussion about the "worth" of even keeping the list at this time ... a debate as to whether I should add a section of past movies viewed or books read ... or should that be another list ...

I mean ... who would have thought that something as seemingly simple as keeping a list could have so many complicated layers?

I still haven't decided what to do about the past ... but I certainly do have a better appreciation for the friend mentioned above ... and his years of tracking and list making. As for me, I'll keep tracking into the future ... and as for the past ...

time will tell ...

Rain, rain ... go away ...

2009-02-18T13:40:00.002-05:00

It's cold and rainy ... ugh! Trying to find a smile despite the cold and wet ... where's the fog when I need it?

Another busy weekend ... Beach Bash (raised $2,500 for charity) ... Valentine's Day ... and then Monday was "Family Day" ... Ontario's newest stat holiday. The only problem with "Family Day" is that almost everything was closed ... so we dropped in to see Mel, Ang and Maija ... nothing too exciting.

So what am I up? A little work (not very inspired) ... a little housework (just to say that I did) ... procrastinating in circles ...

Time to get productive again ...

Fog ...

2009-02-11T10:57:00.002-05:00

FOG
by: Carl Sandburg (1878-1967)
THE fog comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.

I remember having to memorize that poem ... a long time ago ... must have been in Grade Three or Four.

It's one of those foggy days. We don't get a lot of fog here ... it's a late winter / early spring kind of occurence ... when the thermometer finds itself close to 0 degrees or higher and the piles of snow start melting and releasing all that moisture into the air.

I realized this morning ... that I really like the fog ... it makes me think of blankets.

Fog lets you see the world a little out of focus ... edges are softened ... even sounds seem muted ... and there's a cushiony quiet to the world around you.

Messages in bottles ...

2009-02-09T12:07:00.000-05:00

Some people blog for interaction of one kind or another with others. Others lean more towards an interaction with self. I’m sure I’m not the only one who blogs for some inner, deep, not necessarily dark reason … the words written in a message in a bottle for themselves (and any other explorers inquisitive enough to read) … so that they may remember … or ponder … or state for posterity … or if nothing else, for release … the words, events, feelings, absence of feelings, reporting, ventings set free into the seas to be found again later on another shore.

I do not wish to be found (outside of those few I have pointed in my direction) … more often than not I wish to find me … for far too much of the time I am lost, often times buried, some times smothering under the burden of chores, responsibilities, schedules and duties. Don’t get me wrong … these chores, responsibilities, schedules and duties are of my own choosing … but as with everything in life … even these things that I have chosen and adore … have their flip side. Blogging helps me find myself under all the lists, tasks and responsibilities … that’s when I take the time to write. When I simply upload a picture or scribble a line or few … it’s like a reminder that I still exist – separate from everything else. And in some ways a promise to myself that I will return to myself when the weather permits …

At the moment, my balancing act could take some adjusting. But I remain confident and hopeful that the pendulum will swing the other way soon enough and I will embrace the respite and the comfort of words and feelings and me when it does.

My choice in life is and has been to be a mother … and as it is in pregnancy when a mother’s body gives life and nourishment to a growing child … my life’s purpose has been to assist in the life, nourishment and growth of my children … sometimes at the expense of my own. It is a life that I love and respect and celebrate!

Yet … I realize that I must continue growing and thriving … if for no other reason than to be able to remain on the path I have chosen … to do the “job” I have chosen as well as I possibly can. The sheer existance of this blog … and a special follower … is a daily reminder that I must be as well. Being doesn’t necessarily come easy to me.

Too often I hide in the details … let myself become over absorbed in the most recent “project” … and it takes a concerted effort to pull my head out of the sand and force myself to look around.

A special friend of mine has the inner timing to gently nudge me when my head finds it way six feet or under … leaves a comment or two somewhere on my blog that fires up my grey cells and has me righting my head … with a giggle or a few. Thank you friend!

And so … I find myself here today … scribbling far more words than I have in the last two or three months. Not really caring whether the words are fit to be read by another … not worrying whether the prose is beautiful and deep. But as a wake-up call … as a reminder to me for me … as a thank you … and as the beginning of an answer …

What do I feel through my eyes …? … now that’s a whole other story ….

Sticktuitiveness

2009-01-26T19:35:00.002-05:00

... this is a no-brainer ...

... saw this word somewhere ... some time ago ...

... wanted to remind myself that success, of any kind, is defined in large measure by the amount of sticktuitiveness applied ...

Remember? ...

2009-01-24T15:21:00.004-05:00

(written Feb 9/09)

... when weekends were something to look forward to?

A stray (somewhat unoriginal) thought that crossed my mind a few weeks back ... and then crossed my mind again yesterday as I stood in line for six hours to assist Stefani in pursuing her dream ... a 45 second karaoke / singing audition.

A few of us mothers had a few giggles at ourselves while whiling the hours away yesterday ... "are we nuts?" figured quite prominently ... as well as the glances back to our respective sons and daughters who never complained, diligently practiced their songs and waited patiently for their 45 second shot in the dark.

Sometimes I think this is all a waste of precious time ... I'd be lying if I said otherwise ... but then I ask myself - who am I to determine what is a waste of time or not? Whether she ever becomes the star she dreams of being ... watching Stefani's determination and tenacity in following her heart's desire ... sometimes actually puts my own to shame.

I don't think I ever gave it my all in that way ... I don't think I ever believed in myself in that way ... I don't think I ever worked that hard to attain a goal ...

We saw lots of kids ... lots of parents ... lots of brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles yesterday. Not all had that determined look in their eyes ... but those who did, those like Stefani ... stood out and shone like beacons. And the parents of these children were drawn together as though pulled in with a magnetic field. Instant rapport, understanding, camaraderie ... we cheered on each other's children.

Funny I would have thought we'd be the "stage moms" ... but what I saw yesterday is that the "stage moms and dads" were more often than not the parents of the children who were complaining and wanted to leave, who weren't prepared and to be honest, couldn't sing. Those of us escorting the "driven" (for lack of a better word) all shared this laid-back, no pressure attitude ... faces mildly confused ... as we weren't the ones "driving the train" ... we were simply facilitating, assisting, chaperoning, providing transportation ... the desire, the reason we were there was the sheer force of will and determination of our children!

Six hours waiting in line gives you an awful lot of time to think ... and think I did yesterday. I thought about what else I could be accomplishing in six hours ... I thought about whether this was the best use of all our time ... I thought about whether this was a good thing for Stefani - all this auditioning and practicing and chasing a very elusive dream shared by many ... I thought about my feeble attempts at chasing dreams as compared to Stefani ... I thought about what part of my parenting may have molded such a determined daughter ...

I mean what else do you now that your weekends are no longer what they used to be?

Conspiracy theories ...

2009-01-21T16:26:00.002-05:00

Okay so it has to be a dastardly conspiracy that has kept me away from here ... especially with all the resolutions and promises I'd made to myself about finding at least one hour out of every day to come here and unburden a handful of words or two ... read and comment on ethereals and reals and other words and worlds! It couldn't be me ... nah, perish that thought!

So what's been keeping me from this restful garden? ... the flu ... an ear-ache ... the lull after the storm ... cold weather which had me often choosing the comfy warmth of my bed (and a book) rather than my office ... work ...

Same old reasons ... but the excuses are wearing thin ... even to me. So hopefully as I stand here and shout "Here I am ... finally!" ... I really am here ... finally!

Time will tell, I'm sure ... tattle telling time ...

Record temperature drops ...

2009-01-14T11:41:00.003-05:00

They say it's been over a decade since Toronto has seen (or should I say "felt"?) cold weather like this ... believe me when I say this is "arctic cold" ... the kind of cold that hurts your throat and slams your nostrils shut when you take your first step out of the protected warmth of your house ... the kind of cold that makes the air still and thick as if it's about to freeze and become something brittle and tangible ... the kind of cold that makes chimney smoke waft straight into the frigid air. Bitter cold ... the kind that bites at your skin ... and burns with its icy flames.

The furnace is just barely keeping up ... and we're all wearing extra layers ... socks, sweat shirts (heck I've even got a scarf around my neck ... but to be honest, more for comfort than warmth).

I'm just slowly getting over an ear infection ... it's still tender and aches off and on ... but the antibiotics are doing the trick, I hope.

Life has slowed down to a manageable pace ... but I think we're all trying to catch our respective breaths ... and adjusting to this "slower" version of life before us.

... new beginnings ...

2009-01-03T11:54:00.002-05:00

New years are like presents just unwrapped ... unspoiled, untarnished and chock full of promise. The inner child in me revels in the presence of shiny and new ... and stands back somewhat in awe of the new beginning ... and somewhat hesitant to make a move that might mar the unmarked surface.

I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this year ... simply vowed to myself to take better care of me ... and to live each day to its fullest ... because by sheer mathematical formula ... my days are numbered.

My wish is to be happy more days than not ... to laugh more than frown ... to sigh deeply with pleasure and serenity more than to groan with displeasure ... to embrace opportunity and delight more than to justify fear.

And you?

Fairytale Wedding with a Mad Hatter Twist

2009-01-02T23:48:00.009-05:00

They say a picture paints a thousand words ... well, here's a couple of thousands worth.

Brrr ...

2008-12-20T08:48:00.003-05:00

... it's 25 below this morning! Brrr ...
We got the predicted snowfall ... almost six inches ... and the world is covered in white (and to tell you a secret ... it didn't feel like 25 below this morning when I went out to drive Jen home ... without wind winter is actually tolerable).

So as I was saying previously when I dropped in here for a sentence or two ... time has got me by the nose and is leading me around like the fool that I am. Not going completely crazy yet ... figure that if I stay on course, I'll make all the deadlines. What's that? Have I left room for the unexpected? Arggghhh ... nope ...

Let's see ... I have puulla to make (that's Finnish coffee bread) ... that's a full day ... 4 ties for the grooms-men ... Mel's dress left to sew (it's been cut and is sitting waiting for me to put it together) ... the sparkles and sequins to add to her overskirt ... the head piece to make. The bridesmaid dresses are 95% done ... they have to be fitted and the "poufs" need to be made (don't even ask ... it's Melanie's wedding - enough said) ... more guests have RSVP'ed so there's another 15 teacups to purchase ...
As for Christmas ... I have about 4 gifts that need to be "made" ... have most of my shopping done so I'm feeling confident ... though stocking stuffers still need to be dreamed up.
As for food ... I'm feeding 20 people this year ... I haven't a clue what I'm going to do (oh? you didn't know that we don't do turkey? well, yeah ... the kids decided long ago that a turkey was too traditional) ...
I've got Stefani almost ready for her big trip to CA ... only need to find her a pair of shoes ... and that reminds me she's got a workshop today ...

Got off the computer at 11:50 pm last night as I pressed "send" and just barely made the funding application deadline for Transport Canada. Now if that gets accepted ... I'd be one happy camper. Gonna try and get some work done over the holidays (dream on girl) to allow myself to breathe a little in the new year ...

Well that's it for this morning ... gonna finish my coffee, straighten the house ... and start sewing!

Time ...

2008-12-18T15:24:00.001-05:00

... keeps on slipping, slipping ... into the future ...

... it's like I'm living with a giant timepiece inside my head ...

... tick
... tock
.... tick
... tock

.... time's running faster than I can catch up ...

Interruption

2008-12-11T15:33:00.004-05:00

We interrupt this regularly scheduled silence to bring you a short message to confirm still being alive and well ...

Wow ... I can't believe (sssh ... yes I can but it sounds better to say that I can't) that it's been over a week since I've dropped in here.

Let's see what you've missed ... I fell down some stairs last week because my bum left ankle just decided to stop working. Bad sprain but I'm alive and hobbling around just fine.

Preparations for Stef's trip to LA in early January have taken up a huge chunk of my time ... clothes, bathing suit, passport ...

Have managed to complete two of the bridesmaid dresses (Maija and Stefani). Mel had purchased four dresses for the "big" girls and I was supposed to make some slight alterations. Ha! Slight my ass!! I've basically recreated the dresses ... would have been easier to start from scratch. But there's no time for complaining ... if all goes well, I should have those finished tonight!

Which means I'll get to start on Melanie's ... last night I experimented and found out that I could cover the mesh overskirt with glitter and shiny stuff by using spray on glue. Now that will be an experience!

Started X-mas shopping this week ... nowhere close to where I should be at this time but simply having a few gifts purchased takes the anxiety edge off. I also managed to make two tourtieres (meat pies) and freeze those. Tonight I'll try and get two dozen butter tarts done.

I guess slow and steady eventually wins the race.

And I'm not even describing the half of it ... there's been helping Kyla with her final psych exam (not an easy task as she has a comprehension problem) ... fighting with the government on two fronts: getting my birth certificate from the Government of Quebec who in a quest for extra money declared all birth certificates issued before 1990 as invalid ... and then fighting with the Government of Ontario for Jonathan's disability cheques ... dealing with the craziness of impending full moons ... Nicole's social butterfly schedule and rushing her to work when she cuts it too close ... making arrangements for Gary and Liza and Merick and Gramma's visit ... dealing with Dave's family ... here and in Sudbury (hey ... Tim and Carrie had their baby ... Chase Alexander two days ago) ... and naturally, there's work ... 7 hours a day ... otherwise we'd all starve ...

I'm planning on taking a few hours on Saturday to write a little ... surf my favorite ethereal places and recharge the batteries ...

Political storms

2008-12-02T17:20:00.002-05:00

Hmmm ... have Canadians grown balls while I wasn't paying attention? This quiet, peaceful nation of mine is making noise ... and scary as it may be ... I kinda' like it!

Political storms are waging ... the Governor General (our true "head of state") has flown back from Europe to address the "situation" ... the newspapers, radio and television news broadcasts are having a field day ... with the public voice swaying rather evenly between outrage and "way to go!" ...

Personally, I'm just thrilled to pieces to see Canada with a fresh, new set of balls ... and whichever way this goes isn't as important as the process. I don't think the country will grind to a halt or fall apart because something "unheard of" is happening. What I truly hope is that this is not a "tempest in a teapot" ... some media or spin doctor prank (ahhh ... a whiff of my inherent cynicism is raising its head ... having done my fair share of spin-doctoring in my time) ...

So what's the brouhaha about? Simply that a coalition government is being plotted, planned, threatened ... and I find it amusing that everyone seems to have forgotten that this ploy was already threatened once before by the very man (and party) that finds itself targeted this time.

With a multi-party system, such as Canada has ... our elected official and party often finds itself as a minority government with less than 50% ... in this case less than 40% of the popular vote. Unlike the US, we do not vote directly for our leader - our prime minister. Canadians vote for the best representative for their particular region and leader of the party most often represented by this elected officials becomes the prime minister.

Coalition governments ... work elsewhere in the world ... why not Canada? I think it's a great step in the progression of a true democracy. We need a government that can work together. By establishing a coalition - these parties and leaders have already taken the first step to prove that they can and will work together towards a common goal ... (am I being too idealistic here?)

A black American President ... a coalition government for Canada ... could this be the start of a new age?

I don't know about you ... but I'm keeping my ears and eyes open and my fingers crossed that this coalition comes to pass ... this is definitely a move in the right direction ... a government that allows participation by hereto fringe parties ... an open door for parties of all stripes and flavours to participate in the formation and process of Canadian governance ... just as it should be!

Already Sunday

2008-11-30T09:26:00.002-05:00

Another busy day ... and already the weekend is almost a thing of the past. Where does the time go (rhetorical, of course)?

Nicole's back into the flow of this household ... actually goes back to work on Tuesday (Starbucks) ... now that's a long-winded tale that involves Melanie and the fact that three baristas quit on the same day at her store and it's pre-Christmas season and they can't afford to hire three new baristas to get trained in time to deal with the season's needs and chaos ... so Nic was actually hired back by another store while she was still in France so that she could be loaned out to Melanie's store until January. Today, she's off to visit Ali (her boyfriend) at McMaster (Hamilton) where he's taking first year pre-med. (I just learnt that their friend, Kaz is going to Berkeley and will be visiting over Christmas ... always knew that boy was smart ... but Berkeley tells me that I may have actually underestimated his smarts) ...

Kyla has her company Christmas party tonight (murder mystery supper theatre) ... I'm sure we'll have a wardrobe crisis sometime around 4 PM ... lol.

Put the outside Christmas lights up yesterday on the front porch ... that's a new set-up as we let Kyla decide this year. So instead of the usual white lights along the eave's trough ... we're doing greenery and coloured lights across the front porch. Gotta get the extension cord ... and then we'll be able to comment ... ooh and aah appropriately.

I've got pork ribs defrosting for supper ... and my goal is to finish Maija's dress for the wedding today... it's a miniature version of Stef's. With that out of the way ... I'll be ready to start the adjustments on the 4 other bride's maid dresses and/or start Mel's. Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking ... into the future ...

And at some point today ... gotta get my mental time-table ready for the upcoming week. I've been doing that for years now ... Sunday overview ... to-do lists and juggling this and that to try and get the week shaped up into some semblance of uber-productivity. I still have to get Stefani's passport application taken care of ... and I've got to deal with issues at work ... there's a couple of contracts posted on CharityVillage that I should apply for (extra money is always a good thing) ... and at some point I need to start Christmas shopping (lists aren't going to get the presents into the house or created) ... and then I've got to decide what I'm making for supper Friday night when the "girls" (Suzanne and Carol) come over. Sounds like craziness now ... my idea to have the girls over for an evening of chatting, good food and good wine ... but I do know it'll be good to have a break from all these "must do's" ...

Well ... gotta get started with this day ... besides the above ... I do have laundry, grocery shopping and a quick stop over at Debbie's to pick up a few things she put aside for Mel and Maija ...

No rest for the wicked as they say ...

Stefani tidbits

2008-11-30T09:14:00.002-05:00

So we're all stuffed up battling some Canadian pre-winter germ ... and poor Stefani is suffering from a case of alternating dry / wet eye. You know that state where one moment your eyes are running as though you were crying ... and the next they're dry as a bone and achy. Anyways yesterday afternoon found Stef on the couch watching one of her favorite shows ... when she decided to announce to one and all ..." Yup ... my eyes are definitely running out of saliva." Priceless!

At her acting workshop yesterday they handed out the monologues and scripts that the kids have to prepare for the talent showcase. Stefani's monologue is a spunky one ... but the kicker is the script (dialogue) she'll be doing with Christian (the cute curly blonde haired 9 year old boy). She's Vada from "My Girl" ... "the Kiss" scene ... where Vada convinces the young boy to try out kissing ...

You can imagine the theatrics we were privvy to when she shared that information with us ... "it's the worst day of my life" ... "oh my ... I've got to ... hmmm ... kiss ... Christian!" ... Lots of emphasis on Christian mind you ...

Today we're preparing her outfits for her headshot shoot on Wednesday morning ...

Simply Saturday

2008-11-29T09:06:00.002-05:00

... but suffering from a slight case of Princess and the Pea syndrome ... you know that feeling, that slight unease of matters left untended or intuition lights flashing indistinctly in the background ...

... so as I sip on my morning coffee within the midst of my home office chaos (chaos may actually be an understatement this time around ... hurricane aftermath seems somehow more appropriate) ... I realize that some of the discomfort is stemming from the whirlwind schedule I find myself on ... and the sheer number of deadlines, timelines, projects, tasks, promises, schedules I'm juggling at the moment. The only saving grace is that by mid-January the pressure will be lifted ... but until then ...

... holidays, wedding, Stefani's Hollywood extravaganza all seem manageable (sssh ... don't burst my bubble) ... if only just barely ...

... the biggest knot in my stomach right now is work ... another unsavory situation with my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde boss. Confrontations by email or by telephone are slippery, dangerous things ... I'd much prefer face-to-face ... but that doesn't appear to be something that is about to happen soon. So I bite my tongue and bide my time ... which doesn't sit well ... and I worry and fret and repress and suppress and make notes and vent with no satisfaction ...

... did I forget to tell you that patience is not my strong suit? Actually ... I manage superficial patience rather well ... you know, that first week or two of patience, playing the game - that I've mastered quite well ... it's being patient beyond that point that I have problems with ...

... and then there are these voices inside my head that say - there's no point in being patient beyond that initial period ... and that's what the disquiet and the rumblings and "peas" are all about. Heck, yesterday I even goaded myself with the following question - "what would a man do in this situation?" ... I know - I'm laughing about it too!!

Everything will change ... love remains the same

2008-11-28T09:29:00.002-05:00

... listening to Gavin Rossdale ... and that line resonated with me: life explained in seven words.

And I sit here looking at these words ... thoughts swirling in my grey matter, words forming and dissolving ... and wondering if anything more really needs to be said ... or will it simply detract from the profound simplicity and truth of those words.

Everything will change ... it's inevitable
Love ... true love, unconditional love, honest love ... remains the same ... always and forever ... period.